A
female
age
36-40,
*osycheeks
writes:Hi,I didn't speak with my mother for about 1-2 years after a huge fall out, and she broke the silence with a text, and so I made a call to her, we met at a coffee shop, which was really hard, and then I met her again some months later and then me and my boyfriend visited her at her house, then we spent a christmas day there, more recently we took her out for mother day.Then I bought a new flat, and she wanted to be involved and helped us one weekend moving in.However, now, she has started to turn back into the unbearable person she was that made me stop talking to her for 2 years in the first place.After spending a few days with us, she went home and started sending me nasty text messages, then rang me to fight on the phone, she left it a week to call back, so i answered hoping she had time to calm down, but she just argued again.There is no reasoning with her, its her way or the high way.She will not listen in any way, or accept any fault.i really struggle with putting down the phone on people. but its what i will have to do if i answer the phone and she's looking for a fight.She has a severe personality disorder, I'm not being mean when i use the word psychopath. Its hard because although there is no real diagnosis by anyone, doctor etc, theres no one I can call for help to calm her down, the last time i went through this with her, hence cutting her off for 2 years, it got to her administering me ultimatums, and threatening violence, being highly verbally abusive, i.e. voicemails wishing me dead. i was close to reporting her to the police to raise an injunction for her not to come near my house or me.Luckily it didn't get to that.I just don't know what support there is, apart from me trying to deal with this behaviour and setting boundaries, and knowing when she might turn. She weedles her way in nicely, and finds info out and then uses it against you. I find it hard knowing if she has changed or is waiting for her strongest time to strike again.I will now be enforcing distance for a second time. As thats the only way I know how. But me and my partner now live in a house together we jointly own, I'm scared she will starting causing embarrassing scenes. He's aware of our 'difficult' relationship, but until recently i think he just thought i was 'hard' on her. rather than a means of best handling such a person.I just feel helpless sometimes, or I'm in this alone. my father is always on the other end of the phone supporting me, as he knows exactly what she is like. my family too know what she is like, but theyre not interested in supporting , they just separate themselves from her, and subsequently me.I just wish she could take treatment and work on herself.It's almost like a violent alcoholic but without the alcohol. Her father was a violent alcoholic for some years when she was growing up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): Your father failed miserably here. He should never have left you in her custody. He knew how disturbed she was and he could easily have taken full custody of you and saved you from her abuse. I would get some help for yourself, maybe a good therapist can help you decide what course of action to take here and how to manage the situation. I still think getting her committed and on medication is the only thing to do here as well as to cut her out of your life until this happens and until some sign of improvement is shown that there is a chance to have some sort of a normal relationship- if that will ever be possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): [EDIT]: "The guild must be unbearable."
[{CORRECTION]: "The guilT must be unbearable."
Sorry!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): Setting boundaries is a very difficult thing to do. You have to establish between you and your mother, where she begins and where she ends; at the same time, you have to make her aware of where you begin and she stops. That's a difficult thing to do; when the person you are building a boundary against is your mother on the other side.
Not being able to articulate in words to her what she's doing and unable to make a standing truce places you in the position to protect yourself from abuse and the emotional trauma that results. That damage is there, although it may not be apparent to you. It's the reason you wrote to vent your feelings. The guild must be unbearable.
No matter what we suggest you do, it is up to you to protect yourself. People who are not cognizant or don't care about your feelings, will tear down your boundaries, cross the distance it takes to get to you, and they'll become even more relentless to persecute you. That is because they are resentful that you've finally taken a stance. So don't expect it to be easy. She feels you have no right to place boundaries on her. Oh, but you do. You're an adult now, and you can make choices you couldn't as a child. You also know things you didn't know before now.
What choice do you have when you've tried to get along, and failed every time? She has a disease in her mind that has cutoff her ability to show you kindness, love, respect, and affection. You bring out the worst in her.
You are not dealing with your mother, you are dealing with the sickness that separates you. So your safety-barrier is not between you and her per say; but between you and the illness and caustic-behavior that makes it impossible to deal with her. So you shouldn't feel guilty for escaping the torment. The torment she inflicts, offers you absolutely nothing to work with. It is unyielding, and there is no room for compromise with her.
Some people have to lose something valuable to realize change is the only way, and nothing short of it. Our strongest connection we'll every have in our lives will be with our parents. Particularly our mothers.
Sometimes in the most unfortunate situations, some people have to grasp the reality that some mothers aren't emotionally-sound. They don't have the mentality to show motherly-love; and are incapable of being nurturing, and expressing their affection to their own children. Some women have become mothers; but don't have the mental-mechanisms that tempers or gauges their negative-behavior towards their children. They are almost purely apathetic to your feelings.
Your poor mother deals with too many demons to restrain herself. Therefore; you are forced to disconnect from her altogether, in the name of self-preservation. Arguably, she made that choice for you. You wanted things to be different. The reality is, they cannot be.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 June 2015):
 I agree with Code Warrior.
CUT her off. I know she is your mom and for most of us MOM means a great deal, for most of us though MOM means a GREAT and POSITIVE influence, not one that tears you down.
Your family MIGHT judge you. THAT is on them. YOU can not control what they think, feel or do. LET them judge. They are not in your shoes.
Your mom knows her illness is why people want nothing to do with her, but she doesn't CARE. She knows that is why your Dad left (can't say I blame him) and she knows that is why you cut her off for 2 years.
SHE is who she is. YOU didn't MAKE her that way. YOU can't FIX her. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Accept that. ACCEPTANCE doesn't mean you HAVE to keep her in your life.
A think a counselor/therapist can help you feel better about the choice to cut her off, but also help you ACCEPT that this is NOT on you. NOT your fault.
YOU have to live YOUR life. Make it a good one. Don't her HER and HER illness ruin YOUR life.
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female
reader, rosycheeks +, writes (4 June 2015):
rosycheeks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much :-)
Reading your email from the lady with the sister troubles. It makes my eyes instantly water.
I think I needed to hear that its the right thing, and although exactly like you say, it does tug on you in future, and will always be a battle in my heart. I just have to make sure I remember what its like when I let her in (lions den) and not forget how long and hard it is/was letting those wounds close and making peace with yourself.
Like today, I'm already thinking, ' what if I tried harder at adapting my personality, and be more laid back?' What if ' i try handling her in better calmer ways' Did i truly try my hardest, the bit of me that desperately wants to resolve it, battles with the bit that knows I've already tried everything over the last 20 years, the bit that regretfully says i'm done.
My boyfriend says, even if I managed to master Zen like patience and resilience, she would find other buttons to push.
It stings when I think of a wedding day/ first child etc. But I guess one step at a time, cross those bridges when it comes to it.
Hoping that family understand why I've taken such measures, some of them can be judgemental, and some may think, what makes 'you ' so perfect to judge my own mother like I did.
But those people do also know and have had experience first hand, i guess ill just have to ask them to speak to her weekly, and deal with her every whim, instead of not picking up the phone to her for 6 months at a time, and then come back to me and say the same thing. Maybe they'll be more supportive than I think!
But thanks for the input all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): I'm the poster that mentioned my psychopathic sister.Just wanted to say it sounds like you are taking some positive steps in the right direction. Great that you're talking it over and crying about it to your boyfriend.. that is so healthy for you :)The trapping thing about this situation is that she's your mother and THAT fact alone will always tug at your heartstrings and you'll struggle with the guilt of cutting this woman, who gave birth to you, out of your life. You'll struggle with wanting to allow her back INTO your life, which, if she continues to refuse any help, will inevitably result in more stress for you, your boyfriend and your mother because, with her illness, she's completely incapable of maintaining successful relationships with anyone in her life.When you have weak moments, which of course you will, where you'll want to let her back in and let down your boundaries, remember that you need to look after YOU. Your mother, with her distorted thinking patterns, does not have your best interests at heart. By engaging with her again, you're really putting yourself into a lion's den, opening up old wounds that can only heal with time.. time to yourself and time with healthy people who care about you and your wellbeing.I hope this helps. My thoughts are with you. I know all too well how difficult this is. I rode the waves of my sister's highs and lows and witnessed her psychotic outbursts of rage for so many years. The healthiest option for you to heal from all this is to keep your mother as far away as possible. There is no easy option here but you have to take care of YOU.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): First off tell yourself it is not your fault.It is o.k. to cut toxic people out of your life forever.I know people who have done that yes even with their mother.Just because she gave birth to you is no reason to keep someone in your life that emotionally abuses you.This is abuse.Everyone I know who cut thease people out of their lives were also much happier in the long run.
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reader, rosycheeks +, writes (3 June 2015):
rosycheeks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,Thanks so much for your responses, it really means a lot and extremely helpful. The womans aid, I wish I'd known a lot sooner about when I was actually living/dealing with her intimidating ways. I learned to shut off when it got bad. And turned into a jogging freak as a means to de-stress get away from the house when I lived there.So just to add, father and mother divorced when I was 10yo. 20 years ago. he was a beaten man at the time and got out while he could. Mother brainwashed me into hating him for many years. Into my 20's through sheer persistence on his part we rebuilt a relationship. He used to intervene for me when things got bad, to tell her stop this. She and him kept a dialogue, he did so for my sake. But she started verbally abusing him over the phone so badly, at the same time I cut her off, he said he finally properly let rip on her once and for all, and told her he shall never speak with her again until she gets professional help and that he does not deserve a relationship with their daughter (me). I do worry about the any adverse affects on me, ever since I opened my eyes to it 5 years ago, realising that this wasn't the 'norm' and I finally learnt that I would 'never be able to please her no matter how hard I was trying'A huge weight was lifted, and my arguing levels dropped ! I had new zest for life. Over 25-30yo, I moved out, started gaining some control, and eventually led to a 2 year cut off. I felt a sadness, but i kept reminding myself this sadness is better than feeling drained and worn out.I gave her another chance, over the past year, but she's gone right back to being unbearable again, and I guess this time I'm having to accept, i'll never have real mother.I think I have struggled with enforcing boundaries in my personal relationships/friendship/worklife. So i've worked so hard on re-understanding myself, read book after book, talked to people. Learning to become more assertive with my needs, and setting healthy boundaries.But I do worry if I have picked up bad habits from her, and really cultivate hard on myself to check I'm not.I've never seeked out professional guidance myself, but I do wonder if it would be useful to.My boyfriend sat with me last night and let me have a good cry. and I think he is finally understanding what the situation is.Knowing something is the right thing to do, doesn't always mean its easy to follow through. I guess that part can be emotional. Writing a letter to her, explaining and asking her to seek professional help i think is a great idea. It'll be my way of making peace, and then I can cut her off. She will extremely dislike my letter for that reason, and will have to warn my partner that if needed, we will need to report to the police if she begins to harass us at our home. From the last time I cut her off, i saved all of the abusive voicemails, for evidence of mental health/police action. She certainly shows all of her sides in all 15-20 of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): Your father must be an extremely passive man to not seriously intervene between you and your mother, to keep the peace. It's his job.
I was astonished when you mentioned you even had a living father; after your narrative about how psychotic your mother is! How could he live with a woman like that for so many years, if she was as you've described her?!! She wouldn't just single you out; she'd be that way with everyone.
She has a caustic-personality due to a harsh life growing up. There is more to her pain than you may know.
She harbors jealousy that your life has turned out differently from hers, and doesn't know how to express her joy for your happiness. She resents it. Your life is the life she never had, and she hates you for it.
Your father is either a coward, or a very beaten man.
He allows the two women in his life to battle, and he has never taken steps to break it up; or see that she gets help. He has allowed her to be cruel and abusive to you; because it gets her out of his hair. He's probably got a big-fat life insurance policy on her, and just waiting patiently for her to blow a gasket and kick the bucket.
Cut her off once more. If she is bipolar, or has untreated mental-illness; you will never make peace with her. She's a sick woman without treatment; so she can only put on a temporary facade of sanity. For the sake of your own sanity, write her a letter. Explain that you've tried, and will no longer be able to share life with her. If she wants to ever spend time with her daughter again, get professional-help. Any action on her part to cause any further commotion will be met with a restraining order.
Don't make idle-threats; carry through. If she creates a scene or threatens violence, call the police and file a report. Proof she is a danger to herself or others; gives you and your father the right to have her committed to a mental hospital for treatment. All you describe is a lot of nasty language towards you. You don't even mention abuse as a child. "Psychopath" might be your personal-observation, not necessarily the problem.
That is, if you're not exaggerating. If you can't prove she has mental-incompetency; you're just a caustic-mixture. A mother and daughter who essentially hate each other, and can't get along. Embellishment of the situation is most unfair; because she isn't able to defend herself.
You must seek counseling for yourself. You have been emotionally-traumatized; and just might need a professional to explain to you how to deal with all this. You don't need to go through a long-term expensive treatment program; just make sure she hasn't left any damage that needs some attention.
You're still child-bearing age, and you may decide to have a child someday. You need to be in your best state of mental-health; so you will not carry-on your mother's brand of mothering.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): She needs professional help and medication. Have you talked with your father about doing something to have her committed if necessary? She must be abusive to him also.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): I'm so sorry to hear what you've suffering through. I can totally relate. My sister is an undiagnosed psychopath who has never had treatment. I also don't use that word as an insult - it's just who she is.Your mum is identical to my sister. Violent threats, constant aggression, mood swings etc. All I can tell you is to get the hell away. Get as far away as you can.When you're in the unfortunate situation where an immediate family member is so severely mentally ill, you'll hear all kinds of advice - mostly people will tell you to work it out, she's your mother etc. I know all too well how hard it is to love someone with such severe mental illness who refuses help. I can't love my sister. It feels like you're hitting your head against concrete repeatedly.Your mum, like my sister, is more intent on blaming the world for her problems instead of sorting herself out. You can't help someone in this mindset. You'll never please them, you'll never stay in their good books for long. Psychopaths pick you up to put you down. They gain your trust, manipulate you, then use those things against you to their benefit. Try to separate from the fact this woman is your mum and move on with your life without her. Don't take her calls, don't engage in these petty squabbles. She will feed off all this negativity as she has all this pent-up aggression to vent. Cut ties completely, enjoy your life with your partner. There's no other way to be happy. If this affects your relationship with the rest of your family, then they'll need to understand it from your perspective. Stand your ground. You can't go on taking abuse like this and you don't deserve it.I'm sure this was the case for the last 2 years.. you will be happier without your mother in your life. She will not help herself therefore doesn't deserve you in her life. You have to be tough and take care of you and your partner.All the best, please update us
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): If your mother becomes a danger to you, your partner or anyone else due to mental illness she can be sectioned under the Mental Health Act. From what you describe this would be a good idea so that she can get the treatment she needs. The police can carry that out. If you are receiving threats or abuse from anyone then you could contact a helpline - it is a form of domestic violence - for example Women's Aid may have some advice or support they could give you by email.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2015): I've had some really bad conversations with my Mother. She also cannot 'cope' when my life is bad and finds fault and then a way to be nasty to me. She then ignores me or I get the silent treatment for weeks on end. I have learnt a great deal by reading a book called Will I ever Be Good enough by Karyl McBride. It really helped me realise a few things and be stronger and more controlled in how I handled any conversations with my mother. Sometimes going 'no contact' is best or creating 'low contact' like you are - and clearly other family members too. If she is toxic don't let her feed on you as she needs an outlet.
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