A
female
age
30-35,
*ujza21
writes:I am 21. Used to have a cool relationship with my mum (54) but unfortunately I realized nothing is the same now. I guess its went wrong 4-5 years back, when I started 'having' boyfriends. Problem is, that she always criticizes me, whenever I tell her what or who hurts me, she says "It's all your fault!" ... Just to tell you an example: today happened that my boyfriend traveled abroad for a week. As soon as he arrived there, he sent me hundreds of SMSes. He told me he didn't want to be there, he misses me, wanna be with me! I asked my mum what to do... Her answer was: "It's your fault why don't you let that guy enjoy his holiday?"Oh no! Even this is my fault right? That the guy misses me. Ahh, whenever I have some trouble. She is the first One who pushes me even downer. Sometimes my younger sister stands by my side and tells my mum that "Don't you recognize that even now you are hurting her the most? This doesn't help her at all!"I have 2 siblings (a boy who is everybody's fav. And my sister who always get supports and help. When I need them I just get hard words that it's all my fault and I am the bad one. Help me please, what to do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Well I am in my 30's and my mom still puts me down and criticizes me for every thing. She started doing it when I was around your age and gets worse as the years go by.I have had to cut off most contact with her. I try to see or talk to her as little as possible because being around her has just become so unpleasant that I see no reason to. I suggest you do the same. If your mom complains and criticizes why you never want to see her anymore then take that as your opportunity to tell her why: because she is such an unpleasant person to you that you hats being around her. Then she can choose if she wants to keep you in her life by changing her behavior or if she wants to stick to her need to criticize you then she wont get the opportunity because you're going to stay away.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): You're a woman now. You are mature enough now not to allow your mother, or any other woman, to bring you down.
The fact that you realize the words have no positive message behind them, justifies your right to stand up in defense of your feelings.
Yes, she deserves respect as your mother. You also deserve respect from her as a person, and her daughter. Abusive and degrading words are not acceptable from anyone.
You're not a little girl anymore, and your sister is going to earn more respect from your mother; because she has the courage to stand up to her. What's your problem?
Don't envy your brother. Jealousy manifests itself into horrible acts. Don't resent him for the poor message your parents are sending. He is the recipient, they are the givers. Show him your own love. He's your brother.
When your mother accuses you of being at fault, simply tell her that she knows that isn't true; and ask her to explain to you in detail how it is your fault. Please give you a much better understanding; because she's is being illogical.
Don't be afraid to use the word "illogical." It will get a pause, and she'll fly into a rage. It means you hit a nerve.
No one likes being considered illogical. Especially, when they are. A pause means she has to stop and think.
One thing that puts people on notice about abusive language, is when they have to explain what they mean. They are waiting for your reaction. To throw you off balance. They need to feed on the pain they've inflicted. When they see the words don't penetrate, they tend to back off.
You always cower to her intimidation, which makes you an easy target. You don't show any strength. So she takes all her frustrations out on the easiest person in the house. You.
She is being the same woman her mother was. She is having midlife flashbacks from her life with her own mother. She envies your youth. You have so much life ahead of you. She also sees herself in you, and yelling at you is actually screaming at her own reflection. She doesn't like what she sees. Weakness.
Sit her down. Show her the woman that you are. Respectfully request her to end the badgering. It isn't helping and you're tired of it.
Tell her you love her, but not the abuse. Call it "abuse" to get the word in the air. Call it bullying; because that's what it is. You don't need it, and it isn't anyway to gain your love. Ask her if she knows how much it hurts you to have it coming from your own mother? She does. I'd bet you a gold brick.
Go out and purchase a book about abusive mothers. It's one thing to show tough love, but when you're sending a message that creates pain; then it is "abuse." She needs to see it with her own eyes, and have it spelled out for her by professionals. Read that book for yourself. It will give you strength and ammunition.
Don't expect miracles, or her to change overnight. Expect her to respect your feelings a little more; because you'll surprise her by showing her you're no longer a foolish and frightened little girl. Nor will you take abuse from the most important person in your life, your own mother.
She may have made mistakes with men in her life. She may see you going in the same direction, and panic is making her crazy. She is using the wrong method to get her point across. Degrading you and crushing your self-esteem. She is abusing her authority. It's the old-school tactic.
You also have to have a thicker skin, and ignore menopausal rantings. She is in mid-life, and that can make some women irrational and down right evil. She will mellow with age,
but you have to show strength as a woman. You have to also show you can deal with men without any unsolicited advice.
Let her know you'll come to her, when you feel you need it.
Be tougher, and you'll get results.
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