A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been getting into a lot of disagreements/fights lately - mainly about petty things (money, household chores etc) but most have just built up over time.His mother has started to insert herself into this - and even when everything is going well, she will bring up things which causes another argument. I've tried to distance myself from her but she will come over to our house without warning. We have been together for almost 8 years and she hasn't done this before. She says she is just concerned for us - but just recently she visited my parents, unannounced to discuss us because of her concerns! This feels like she has crossed the line and interfered even more! I am in my late 20's and he (her son) is in his 30's. I'm not really sure what to do about it. Any advice would be great. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 February 2019):
 The answer is as plain as day. All marriages have their share of petty disagreements, and sometimes arguments. However, the worst thing any couple can do is for one or both spouses to go and vent those petty grievances and arguments with THEIR parents, effectively prolonging the disagreement and tainting the prejudice of their parents against the spouse long after the initial petty argument is long past.
How the hell would his mom ever KNOW that you two were arguing, and what the reason is if he weren't running his mouth to her when the two of you argue?? If the argument happened and was RESOLVED between the two of you, and neither of you used your respective parents to sound off with, then there's no reason they would bring it up later, thus they wouldn't cause friction.
That is a golden rule! You don't involve parents or in-laws in petty arguments. That was the ORIGINAL boundary that was crossed - when your husband started griping to his mother about what goes on behind the closed doors of your home. That's the only way to fix this mess as well. He needs to tell his mother that he's no longer going to discuss petty arguments with her, and you will do the same with your parents or relatives.
Now, I'm not talking about MAJOR issues like cheating or hitting or abuse like that. In THOSE cases, you should be reaching out to loved ones for help. But the petty disagreements and arguments about chores and money and that sort of thing?? That's BETWEEN YOU TWO and no one else! You do not HAVE to go off and vent to relatives. If anything, venting to friends maybe, but it better be someone who isn't TOO CLOSE inside the family unit. You want your parents to keep a good opinion of your spouse long after the argument passes, and oftentimes, parents will hold grudges against spouses long after the drama is over, which damages both the in-law relationships as well as re-opens the marital scars.
The answer is for your husband to have a talk with his mother and tell her that he's no longer involving her in sharing marital spats with, and that you two will stop talking to your parents or close relatives about what is talked about in the privacy of your own home.
People like US (DearCupid) are an EXCELLENT place to vent and get advice from. Trusted people like a pastor are good to get involved to help counsel you in disgreements, as well as marital counseling in helping to improve communication and organization within the marriage to help with money management and division of labor.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): You and your husband are inviting "friction and disorder" into your marriage; because you're fighting. You're not communicating or compromising. You're seeing problems from your own individual-perspectives; not as problems you both must address and fix as a team. You're passing blame back an forth. You don't mention children; but I'll include them for the sake of argument.
A house divided cannot stand.
Your problem isn't your mother-in-law, it's your marriage.
You have the typical couple's problems; but you resort to fighting, instead of sitting down and coming up with a plan and a solution. You're both immature. So a grown-up has to intervene.
The thing about disharmony on the domestic-front is that it starts to leak into your work-life, your social-life; and it affects your children. It's only a matter of time before it alerts your in-laws, your parents, and your siblings. It ripples through-out the whole family. Disorder can't remain contained. Somehow even your busybody neighbors seem to know there is unrest on the home-front.
Mom may not be fully to blame for nosing in your business. Your husband may have vented to his parents; or mother-in-law noticed the tension going-on between you and your spouse. You can't hide it. Mother knows.
Mothers are different from fathers; they will insert their two-cents in a skinny-minute, if she thinks her baby isn't happy. If you don't seek their counsel and advice, they will intervene; because that's a parent's duty.
You should appreciate their concern; but you can also politely remind them to mind their own business. Be careful about that! You obviously can't resolve issues without a fight! Listen to their wisdom, but not their accusations; or any attempt to place all the blame on you. She takes it personally; because faulting her son is like faulting how she raised him. She's naturally-protective. You'll understand someday.
If they (your in-laws) don't show neutrality and give benefit of the doubt; if they interfere with bias. Show them the door. They don't have a right to show-up at your door unannounced. Unless it is an emergency! Otherwise, it's bad-manners; and showing you disrespect for your privacy. Your home is your private-domain; and if she comes to the door without invitation, she shouldn't be surprised at the cold-reception received. You just might be too busy for a visit, or indisposed. You don't have to lie, just say so.
Be respectful, but don't put-up with someone coming into your house to admonish you. You're not her kid, you're her son's wife. You decide which way that door swings, in or out. In your house, you determine whom is or isn't considered a welcomed-guest. Don't reject good advice, that's foolish. Don't act-up and expect no one to tell you about yourself either. She is family too. Ask her to please call first. You must insist. Not fair, if only your parents are allowed unannounced-visits. House-rules apply to everyone. She wants to catch you off-guard; so you can't run! It's also tactful intimidation. Not my son, lady!
They are on the outside looking in. So her concern is about her son. When you become a mother and a mother-in-law, you'll understand. You might even be worse!
Kids will also tell other adults they trust that they feel uncomfortable at home; because their parents are always going at it. That tension disturbs them, and it will make them restless. They will have bad dreams, and they are afraid you're going to get a divorce. A child of only five knows when their parents aren't behaving right; and they will tell grandma, grandpa, or a teacher. Or, just act-out and act-up to let you know you're freaking them out!
Yes, parents will meddle. They know what unrest on the home-front means. It means the wife might take the children away, she will dictate when and how their son gets to see his children. They will have less access. You could financially destroy him. They will have to watch you and your spouse go for each others throats with lawyers on either-side. So here comes mama! Not my baby! Not my grand-babies!
Learn how to work through your issues like two civilized adults; and you'll draw less attention and concern from nosy mother-in-law. Your husband has to let his parents know that you both stand together as one; and he should let his parents know he doesn't sanction them fighting his battles for him. He's not a child, and his marriage is his to contend with.
If he doesn't back you up on this; your marriage is in trouble. He's throwing you to the wolves; and purposely using his mother or parents as backup. You don't gang-up on your spouse; that isn't fair, nor loving. It's baby-manish!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2019):
 United Front.
THAT is what you and your husband need to have.
While I understand she is concerned and she WANTS to help, her meddling isn't helping.
If you both agree on that statement, your HUSBAND (her son) need to be the one to have a chat with her about it. He needs to explain to HER that she can't FIX your marriage, that is on the two of you. But she CAN stay out of it as that will probably help more.
And you and your husband should perhaps consider a marriage retreat or couples counseling? so maybe finding a neutral (not family) 3rd party to help you two might not be a bad idea.
Money issues is one of the MAJOR reasons for divorces and marital discourse. So don't trivialize what you are fighting over. You two REALLY need to figure out HOW to work through those issue. Like make a budget and stick to it. Having a "chore plan" and stick to it. Etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): She has definatley crossed the line by going to your parents to discuss her concerns about your marriage. This woman does not respect boundaries.I would have it out with her and warn her that if she does not keep her nose out of your marriage and keep coming by unannounced, you will stop allowing her to visit all together.What a busy body.Tell her she needs to call and arrange a suitable time to visit for both of you. Tell your parents not to allow this woman to call to their home and air your business to them.
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