A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone! Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. I'm not sure my question belongs on a relationship site, but this is seems like the most suited place I've come across so far so I'm just gonna give it a try.I'm a bisexual (or pansexual) female headed for my 30s. I've never really had a problem with my sexuality, coming out was a very organic thing for me and went very smooth - my family and friends accepted this straight away and were not bothered or surprised by me switching between sexes in my relationships. I'm in a loving relationship now, since about 5 years, with a girl. We live together and everything is going great, no hiccups, no problems (besides the usual), still in love. Have no plans or desires to change this, either. However, there is this recurring theme throughout my life where I come across women significantly older than me with whom I develop a special, deep kind of bond. For as long as I can remember I've had this happen to me, with teachers, friends' moms, coworkers... It's not like it happens every week or something, but throughout my years I've seen about 7-8 of them come and go, some of those really very intense, and then some smaller short-lived connections here and there as well. They usually end organically, as in, one of us moves away physically or mentally. Sometimes these endings have been very emotional, and the woman either sought me out repeatedly after, or vice versa, while one of us was already not in the same state of mind anymore. You could say it would feel like a breakup, however it's never been sexual, it's always just been extremely emotional. I've never been able to lay my finger on this "problem". I call it a problem because they occupy my mind, we connect on a level where it's difficult to let go, they latch onto some part of my brain and the relationship becomes very prominent in my life. It's more than just a regular friendship where you hang out and have fun, let's say, but it's definitely not the traditional kind of relationship where you spend a lot of time together and kiss and discover each other in that intense way. They are mutual, so it's not just me obsessing over some unattainable person, they too draw to me and confide in me and tell me they're confused about their feelings and have never had this happen before. Especially because the age difference is usually at least 15 years, and for most women in that age category they don't necessarily often feel the need to spend time with someone that much younger than them. It's been a long time since I had one of these situations, but I definitely have not forgotten the signs and signals that I've become very aware of - and I see a situation developing on the horizon. As it's not sexual and there is no cheating involved in that sense, I don't feel bad about it, and my girlfriend knows about the woman and that we're getting close in that sense - there's no secrets. But as I know how intense these situations can get, I do feel like it's something I want to address and learn to work through, as it occupies valuable space in my brain. I know there's such a thing as emotional cheating, but I honestly don't feel like my relationships with these women compare to my love relationships. Meaning, I don't feel like my relationship that's developing with this woman now, has anything to do with or is anything I can compare to my relationship with my girlfriend. It's just this strange type of connection that I just can't seem to fully explain or comprehend, still, after all these years of it happening.I guess what I'm looking for is any type of insight, maybe someone recognizes parts of my story, or knows where this might come from. Thanks guys!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 February 2019):
 I think the only "problem" you may have is that you keep these "not-really-friendships" a part from your relationship with your partner. While you might TELL your partner ABOUT these women, you don't introduce them and "treat" them like you would a friend. Make them part of your friendship circle.
It ALMOST sounds like emotional affairs, so to speak. While it's non sexual they sound like you GET something from these women in a romantic way. you mention how INTENSE these things are. Which makes me think there is something more than just a plain old friendship and the fact that they say " they're confused about their feelings and have never had this happen before." So there IS something going on here BEYOND a close friendship. Maybe not as much from your side (though I think you are in denial a bit about that) - which is also why they don't last.
Why this happens with "older" than you women, is hard to say. Maybe you feel they are "safer" to get to know? That you feel because of their age YOU aren't pursuing them romantically...
How is your relationship with your mother? Grandmother?
Could be that another reason you subconsciously seek out these "things" with older women is that you are in NEED of some deeper maternal bond? They FILL a role that your younger partner can not fill. Or that your mother perhaps doesn't either?
It's really hard to say.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (4 February 2019):
 It's call friendship connection. I've had that alot, more with men but also a few women. We humans are all seeking that deep connection so when you feel it, you feel it. Nothing be shamed about and its not cheating so I don't see a problem here at all
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): Aside from over-thinking or over-analyzing your feelings; I see one negative-side to your concern. You're a little too focused on their age. You don't seem to view these women as friends; which is all you've described them to be. Their age sets them apart; as if being a friend of an older-person is some kind of oddity or absurdity.
Older-people have grace, wisdom, experience, a wealth of life-knowledge; and they are interesting. They are charming and their personalities are well-defined. They make excellent mentors; and in spite of their age, they can be loyal-friends you can become very much attached to.
Learn to view those older than you as "people." Being closely connected to them isn't weird.
Now why would you characterize a strong friendship as an obsession?
Obsession is usually an infatuation or amorous connection with a person that goes beyond the norm. You claim it isn't sexual. Then what's the big deal about being very close-friends with someone much older than you?
I loved all my dad's old-buddies as a kid. I knew all my neighbors growing-up. The local shop-owners and small business-owners who have passed their businesses down to their kids. Those still around, I still keep in-touch. They know me like my own parents. Whom have passed-on, God bless their souls! Their recall of event's sometimes accurately contradict lies we've been told for years; only for them to be confirmed by the digging and research of our contemporaries. Stuff now considered news, but not if you asked somebody who was there who witnessed it. I've met two Stonewall survivors of the Stonewall Riots! Some were interviewed on television. That was some time ago, they may be dead by now! I got the tea!
You have to undo your inner-prejudices about age. If anything, that's the problem here.
I myself always felt more drawn toward mature gay-gentlemen, as a younger gay-man. I liked their wisdom, and being of an older-spirit myself; I always felt I related better to older people than people my own age.
My grandparents were very wise Native Indigenous Americans. They were of the Cherokee Nation. I used to sit for hours listening to stories, learning their life-philosophies, learning history; and learning about my heritage. Stuff the history books purposely left-out or glossed-over!
My fascination with older-people who have it together hasn't changed now that I'm mature. It just fascinates me to talk with older-people; because I learn so much, they don't play silly games, and it increases my own wisdom. My favorite professors are retired; or scattered to the four-corners of the world. They had a different style and a lot of class in comparison to the younger ones I had. They had a different devotion to their field of expertise; and wanted to be sure the knowledge they passed-on to us students was a true legacy. Their silver-hair was a tribute to their distinction and a compliment to their maturity. Now I have some!
I have many friends in their late 60's or 70's; and have elderly-neighbors I visit back in my hometown. People I've known since I was a child. They are warm and sincere. Full of stories to tell. Not pretentious and class-conscious like some of my younger acquaintances; or caught-up in age-differences. They like you for who you are.
We will all grow-old someday, if we're lucky. Aging should not be viewed like a chronic disease or an affliction.
It's just a person who has lived longer, seen more, and has a longer past. I wish general society valued our elders like my mother's tribe does. I was always taught to be respectful and appreciative of those who have lived longer and paid their dues. They paved the way for me. They are living-proof of their achievements. They know what survival is. They survived without all the technology and pills. Well, some have to take the pills now. I mean, while they were younger and in their prime.
They make the greatest of friends! Why shouldn't you feel grief or loss when you separate from someone you truly care for? Age makes no difference. Should it?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 February 2019):
 Its just a human connection. I say enjoy it unless it interferes with your life in a negative way. Deep thinkers, philosophical people and charismatic people often experience these connections. I say so, because Im an eccentric person myself, and I recognize what relationships you mean. Like Soul mates meeting, and then passing again. Yep. You dont have a personality disorder, btw? Bipolars experience this most intensely, I believe. You just have the ability to connect and feel on a more intense level.
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