| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: [Mod note: flag should be USA]Some background information on me and my situation.. I want to know what others would do, or feel if they were in my position. I had my first daughter when I was 16. I then got married as a minor and we had a son shortly after. Then when I was 17 me and the dad split up after he got a domestic violence charge against our then one year old daughter. He wasn't a crazy guy in general and what he did was out of character, but nonetheless he was out of the picture over it. Dealing with all the things the come with being 17, and a single mom of two I ended up signing my kids over to my mom. She's never been much for helping me, really taking the kids is the only favor she's ever done me, though at the time it was better for the kids. She kicked me out because we couldn't get along and I wondered off to stay with friends. For about a year or so after that I partied a lot and had a wild streak with depression etc. But then around age 19 I snapped out of it, got a job, started paying bills, finished school, got a car etc. I'm 29 now. Since then, I've been consistently in my feet with no real help from family or men. Held a job, had another daughter, and have been doing the family thing. I even received a bachelor degree in child development. When the two kids turned about three and four I was keeping the two kids pretty much every day caring for them etc but Mom never simply just gave them back. When she got mad at me she would keep them from me for months on end when they were younger and as they got older she really couldn't do that anymore, my oldest begged to live with me so mom signed her over. My son, however wasn't ready yet and was glad to get to be the only kid in the house etc. I figured having my oldest girl for a while would show my mom that she can trust me and that I could work towards getting him back the easiest way possible without fighting my mom over him but it's just never happened. She has acknowledged that I'm her high achiever and that I'm doing a great job raising the girls and for awhile I did my best to co parent with her, even helped her with bills she couldn't pay on top of child support payments but him coming home never happened. I tried talking to her about it and she immediately avoids the subject and gets upset and refuses. Recently we had a falling out. My son expressed that he'd be happy in either home but since our falling out he decided he'd rather stay put. She's said it's been too long and wouldn't be good for him to move with me and just all kinds of very pretty excuses. Kids go through custody changes between parents all the time. There's an empty chair in my house and she can't seem to understand why it bothers me so much. I understand that I screwed up when I was a teen but I'm a completely different person today. I've been on my feet for the last ten years and I'm all about the kids. She was never much of a mom growing up, she had drug problems worse then the drinking I used to do and we were poor etc. She's never much there for her own four kids, but she treats my son really really well. In fact, she has other grand kids who have been homeless and neglected etc to extremes but she turns them away while spoiling him. I can't be mad at him, he's just a kid but it's like he wants the double holiday gifts etc and just won't agree to come home where he was meant to be. When me and Mom had our falling out it started with her starting to refer to him as her son, despite how much I was involved. I got upset and said something but she shrugged it off and said she didn't mean it that way. She keeps him too busy, like I can't even plan things for the holidays with him or birthdays because she gets those and it kills me. She waters his roots and doesn't do anything to transition him back, never has. Everyone seems to think I should just accept it because she's so attached to him but it's not like she wouldn't be in his life still. It's just ridiculous she don't place value on me having my family back together. I want to raise my son! I understand it's been a long time but I've been waiting and it's like I waited just to be told the time is up now that he's eleven. He knows my home, I've been around etc. It's just the dumbest reasons anymore. Should I pay for the rest of my life? I don't know what to say or do anymore. I've tried everything except for fighting in court which probably wouldn't work. I just wish she could see my point of view. I want to know other people's perspective on this. I'll reply as the OP if anyone has questions. I cry all the time over this
View related questions:
split up, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2017): Life can be strange but dont let that deter you fromm being who you need to be.
As a qualified adult you should be able to have the respect you require from both your mother and your son.
If needs be you could arrange to move them both into your house!
Perhaps you could start inviting them both together as it would be very difficult for to justify continually turning you down and excluding you from playing a valuable part in your sons life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2017): I am the OP. I'm from Ohio, usa. I guess I can see the point where she's grown very attached to him it's just she had every chance to give him back young. I waited this long because I felt she deserved the proof but it seems like I was the only one still expecting it to happen someday. That's what hurts the most. A lot of family I've talked to about it ages that she's seemingly treating him like a second chance at raising a child the right way. It's just she's doing it at my expenses now. I could understand if I was taking him away where she wouldn't see him anymore but despite me and her not talking, my daughter's and her have a relationship and they can see each other all they like. She's getting a second chance at raising a son, but where's my second chance at with my son? She's had twenty four years of being a mom to get to where I've been since 19. I just feel like I had him here so often and he's familiar with our home here, and kids go through custody changes sometimes. If she really cared about me she would work with me to go about it in an educated manner, like slowly but progressive or still picking him up a few days a week etc. I wouldn't have expected her to just drop him off one day and him fully adjust like that, though she did that to me with my dad twice despite his otherwise little to do with me relationship. He was here almost everyday over the last five six years before my falling out with her. I should have sought custody then but was just happy to have him around. It's her slipping up calling him her son at family gatherings and not giving me some holidays with him etc. I'm mom, not sister. She's Grandma, not mom. I just don't get why she'll deny her other grandkids a bowl of instant noodles so that he can have money for the movies etc. The attachment she gives to him should be divided up amongst her nine grandkids and my siblings have brought this up as well. I don't see how she can place any value on me as her daughter if she can't understand why it's important to me to have my son back. And I can't picture not wanting all of my kids to grow up not experiencing the joys of having their own well rounded families. I feel like if she cares about me she should want that for me. Is it not selfish at all of her? I want that bond with my kid! Taking her to court without her agreeing isn't really an option because I don't want to cause a lot of family drama with him in the center of it. I just wish she could see my view point and care about how it affects this family. How am I suppose to accept such a thing as perminent after all this hard work and not be bitter towards her? How am I suppose to have a relationship with my own mom when she's throwing it in my face that she raises him? How's it going to affect him when he gets older and reflects on being raised separate from his sisters? These are the questions I can't find answers for. Is it what's best for him or is it about her and her redemption? I just don't see how I'm selfish for wanting my son, these kids are my whole world, they're my kids! It just breaks my heart and I don't think I can even look at the lady anymore. It's costed me a son and a mom. One little jacked up year if my life costed me that and the one person who could forgive me and give me a second chance is supposed to be my mom.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 August 2017):
 Have you even talked to a lawyer?
This really isn't JUST between you and your mom - and maybe your mom is being unfair in thinking you can't redeem yourself, but why have you waited 10 years? And maybe she truly wants to do what SHE thinks is best for the kids. (doesn't mean she is right)
Has she legally adopted them? Or is she the legal guardian?
It all comes down to the AGREEMENT that was made. So you NEED to talk to a family lawyer and/or social services.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2017): I am the OP. I'm from Ohio, usa. I guess I can see the point where she's grown very attached to him it's just she had every chance to give him back young. I waited this long because I felt she deserved the proof but it seems like I was the only one still expecting it to happen someday. That's what hurts the most. A lot of family I've talked to about it ages that she's seemingly treating him like a second chance at raising a child the right way. It's just she's doing it at my expenses now. I could understand if I was taking him away where she wouldn't see him anymore but despite me and her not talking, my daughter's and her have a relationship and they can see each other all they like. She's getting a second chance at raising a son, but where's my second chance at with my son? She's had twenty four years of being a mom to get to where I've been since 19. I just feel like I had him here so often and he's familiar with our home here, and kids go through custody changes sometimes. If she really cared about me she would work with me to go about it in an educated manner, like slowly but progressive or still picking him up a few days a week etc. I wouldn't have expected her to just drop him off one day and him fully adjust like that, though she did that to me with my dad twice despite his otherwise little to do with me relationship. He was here almost everyday over the last five six years before my falling out with her. I should have sought custody then but was just happy to have him around. It's her slipping up calling him her son at family gatherings and not giving me some holidays with him etc. I'm mom, not sister. She's Grandma, not mom. I just don't get why she'll deny her other grandkids a bowl of instant noodles so that he can have money for the movies etc. The attachment she gives to him should be divided up amongst her nine grandkids and my siblings have brought this up as well. I don't see how she can place any value on me as her daughter if she can't understand why it's important to me to have my son back. And I can't picture not wanting all of my kids to grow up not experiencing the joys of having their own well rounded families. I feel like if she cares about me she should want that for me. Is it not selfish at all of her? I want that bond with my kid! Taking her to court without her agreeing isn't really an option because I don't want to cause a lot of family drama with him in the center of it. I just wish she could see my view point and care about how it affects this family. How am I suppose to accept such a thing as perminent after all this hard work and not be bitter towards her? How am I suppose to have a relationship with my own mom when she's throwing it in my face that she raises him? How's it going to affect him when he gets older and reflects on being raised separate from his sisters? These are the questions I can't find answers for. Is it what's best for him or is it about her and her redemption? I just don't see how I'm selfish for wanting my son, these kids are my whole world, they're my kids! It just breaks my heart and I don't think I can even look at the lady anymore. It's costed me a son and a mom. One little jacked up year if my life costed me that and the one person who could forgive me and give me a second chance is supposed to be my mom.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 August 2017):
Like Ruby said, it is a little hard to give advice when you haven't posted what country you are in.
I would say you probably would have to go through the courts (if you are in the US) to get them back.
You might even have to go through social services or whoever assisted in writing the parental rights situation.
10 years is a long time for someone to be raised by someone else and I would definitely have a psychiatrist or counselor involved in finding what is BEST for the kids.
IF it's decided you CAN'T (or CAN) have them back I would presume you are grown up enough to find a visitation schedule with your mom FOR the kids' sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 August 2017):
 First of all, a big WELL DONE for turning your life around, despite being let down by your mother (and your father we assume, as you don't mention him). I hope you give yourself credit for your achievements, both professional and personal. You are a strong woman. Never forget that.
I don't think your mother's refusal to return your son is any reflection on you or your ability to raise him. Rather, it seems your mother has become so attached to him that she cannot bear the thought of not having him there with her. Perhaps she is also proving to herself that she CAN be a good parent, as she obviously let you down when you were his age. This is her "second chance" at parenthood, her chance to put right the wrongs she did in raising you.
I can fully understand you wanting your whole family together. However, you need to bear in mind that your son is 11 years old and has only known life with your mother. To him that is where he belongs, even though she is not his biological mother. She has raised him and his loyalty will lie with her. Don't underestimate how much it may hurt him to tear him away from everything that is familiar to him.
Not knowing where in the world you are, I have no idea how this might turn out if you were to go to court. However, there is more to consider here than the legalities.
YOUR SON is old enough to know what he wants. Although he is old enough to understand you are his biological mother, he probably feels attachment and loyalty towards your mother for raising him to this point in his life, and that has to be commended.
YOUR MOTHER, having had custody of this child for so long, now sees him as "hers" and loves him as if he were her own. She obviously dreads the thought of "losing" him. Your post makes it sound like you think she is keeping him from you as some sort of punishment for you going off the rails as a teen but I really don't think that is the case. She KNOWS you are a good mother, that you have turned your life around and that you are capable of caring for all your children. It is not about YOU. It is about HER and her fear of letting him go.
YOUR OTHER CHILDREN - how do they feel about him coming to live with you? They are as much involved as you are. Have you talked to them?
I wonder if you would all (i.e. you, your mother and your son) settle for shared custody, where he spends half his time with you and half with your mother?
I think the bottom line is that you need to acknowledge that your mother is very close to your son and loves him dearly. She was there for him when you were not able to be and now does not want him to be torn away from her. She is not keeping him from you as some sort of punishment. Acknowledge (and be grateful for) her contribution towards his upbringing and try to empathize with her. You may then find she is more willing to be more flexible.
Stay strong and don't forget to be grateful for your other children.
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (6 August 2017):
Unfortunately you haven't posted your country of residence so it might be hard for the aunties here to give you good advice as options available to you will vary from country to country.
I suggest you make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Beaureau and ask them if there is any support for legal costs.
If you've tried everything except taking them to court, then it's time to try just that.
...............................
|
