A
female
age
26-29,
*isGirl0516
writes:My mom has always had toxic relationships. First my dad, she had me and my 3 sisters, he did drugs and sexually abused me as a child. When she left him about a year went by and Then she got with my other sisters dad. Which was very toxic as well, he is a very controlling man, narcissistic, mentally abusive towards her. Well she left him 4 years ago. And men in between that have never worked out. She met a new man, and I am just on the fence about it. I literally get upset and can’t control my anger when she’s leaving with him or talking to him. I feel like she still has my 7 year old sister to raise and she always gets distracted when a man is in the picture. I do everything for my 7 year old sister since her dad does not help financially and my mom can not work. She is a good mom to my sister and us, she cleans, cooks, helps all of us as much as she can. But I feel really on the fence about any guy that comes into her life. I have expressed my feelings to her but she takes it too personal. I don’t know what to do. She thinks I don’t want her to be happy. I just don’t want to deal with anymore of her mistakes. I have paid for her mistakes since I was 8 and I can’t keep picking up her slack. If I try to tell her anything though she acts a victim and turns it all around. Help :(
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female
reader, HisGirl0516 +, writes (2 March 2022):
HisGirl0516 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, so to answer a couple questions, no she’s not on drugs and doesn’t drink. Thank God, I don’t think I could deal with that. My mother can’t work due to being undocumented. She does nails but honestly does not apply herself to make a little side hustle out of it.As to the question is there family that can step up and help, I have a 23 year old sister, 20 year old but honestly she steps all over them. If she tells them jump, they jump. I am the only one that calls her out on her mistakes and things I don’t agree with. She left the day before yesterday on a school night, two hours away from where we live to stay with the man she’s seeing. I feel like my sister still needs her undivided attention; she’s already missing a dad she doesn’t need to be missing a mom too.She does have him on child support, but he has not paid for the last year, and since courts are closed due to Covid they aren’t even looking into it. They moved in with us about 2 years ago because my daughter got diagnosed with leukemia. This may it’s over, and I feel the closer it gets the crazier she’s getting because deep down I feel she wants to move out. Which is perfectly fine, but I worry about my sister. I know she’s not my responsibility but I suffered so much due to my mom.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2022): Your mother makes do with low lives because she cannot see a life as a single person as being normal. Rather than being single until someone decent and nice and suitable comes along she grabs onto any pieces of driftwood floating by and clings onto it as if she would drown without it. Staying with a man who abused a daughter says it all, she should have been getting rid for her sake yours and the sake of any woman she knows but no she still sees him as driftwood and clings on.
No thought to how he is poison. You cannot do a thing about this, your mother needs years of therapy with an expert, I've helped a lot of people in similar situations but they have to come willingly, it has to be their idea, not their daughter's and with the best will in the world you are not knowledgeable, experienced and skilled enough in these things to be of any help to her other than to listen and console when things go wrong.
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A
female
reader, HisGirl0516 +, writes (20 January 2022):
HisGirl0516 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, so to answer a couple questions, no she’s not on drugs and doesn’t drink. Thank God, I don’t think I could deal with that.
My mother can’t work due to being undocumented. She does nails but honestly does not apply herself to make a little side hustle out of it.
As to the question is there family that can step up and help, I have a 23 year old sister, 20 year old but honestly she steps all over them. If she tells them jump, they jump. I am the only one that calls her out on her mistakes and things I don’t agree with. She left the day before yesterday on a school night, two hours away from where we live to stay with the man she’s seeing. I feel like my sister still needs her undivided attention; she’s already missing a dad she doesn’t need to be missing a mom too.
She does have him on child support, but he has not paid for the last year, and since courts are closed due to Covid they aren’t even looking into it.
They moved in with us about 2 years ago because my daughter got diagnosed with leukemia. This may it’s over, and I feel the closer it gets the crazier she’s getting because deep down I feel she wants to move out. Which is perfectly fine, but I worry about my sister. I know she’s not my responsibility but I suffered so much due to my mom.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2022): Lookout for your little sister as best you can; but you have to let your mother deal with her own issues. She's a grown woman, and could face losing her kid if she does something stupid.
Having a low self-esteem, many women seek losers for lovers; because they feel he'll accept her imperfections. She doesn't have to account for her flaws and weaknesses. Many like a certain "type;" and are fixated on certain male-stereotypes they mistake for masculine attributes. For the lack of positive male role-models; this sometimes happens when you've been abused, or molested as a child. When you come from a dysfunctional-family; or if you just like a life full of drama. Some ladies prefer taking a walk on the wild-side; they like bad-boys who drag them through hell, and mistreat them. It's actually a sadistic turn-on for some women. Some ladies you would never know they had a bad childhood; unless you've asked them. They do just fine, and leave it all behind them. You can't ignore this; because you have a younger sister. She's innocent and helpless. You didn't mention if your mother has a problem with drugs or alcohol.
Your sister may need someone older to keep an eye on her; if you feel your mother is presently in bad-company. You're too young to have to be the mother in all this; but if you worry about your sister, you'll keep peace of mind by giving her someone to confide in. Always be easily accessible! Keep her trust; so there will be nothing she won't share about her feelings. Your mother is probably a good-person; but she has flaws that even traumatized you as a child. Sometimes you/we have to look-out for your/our younger siblings; if nobody else seems to be there for them.
You can't change your mother, or fix her. You can make sure your little sister is okay; and do your best not to let the past affect you as a woman. You know right from wrong, up from down; and you do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt.
If push comes to shove, remind your mother that if anything happens to your little sister, because of one of those men; you will do whatever you need to to protect your little sister. Let her know you mean it, and it will be done without hesitation. Let her go through her little performances, in an attempt to try to lay a guilt-trip you; but imagine how you'd feel, if you didn't say anything to plant a seed in her head that reminds her of what consequences await her should anything happen to the youngest-child. She's a mother before anything else. The child's welfare and safety rises above her, any man, and anybody else in this picture.
Your mother is no victim. She makes her own choices. If those bad-choices affected you, they will also badly affect your little sister. If you have to sacrifice a little of your time for her sake; I'd say it would be well worth it. Wouldn't you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2022):
 I understand why you stick around and help out with your sister, you went through something as a child NO child should ever have to deal with. You want to protect your little sister.
And I also TOTALLY understand your frustration with your mom and her "questionable" choice in men.
Instead of telling her to "stay single" perhaps have a discussion about NOT bringing ANY date around your little sister until there is a longer and healthier relationship established?
It's harder for her to argue with common sense like that.
You not liking her dates is, well YOUr personal fear and preferences and your knowledge that she in the past chose poorly, something SHE probably isn't happy about being reminded off.
At some point though, YOU have to live your life FOR you. She has parentified you to be the stand-in mother and adult for her other children. THAT isn't your job.
As for the bio dad not helping out, SHE (your mom) needs to go through Child Support Services. Whether he WANTS to or not he is financially responsible for his child(children).
Your little sister is 7, so does your mom expect you to stick around and take care of the sister financially for another 11 years? While you watch life go by?
What DO you want to do?
Is there family who can step up and help out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2022): It's hardly surprising that you feel anger towards your mother's new boyfriend when your own father sexually abused you.
This is traumatic and from that time I could imagine you would view any man in your mother's life as potentially toxic.
As your mother had four children for this man I expect she was trying to make the relationship work.
I would imagine that your mother never knew about the sexual abuse unless you told her and I think your own anxiety that another man could hurt your innocent sister must fuel your distrust of her current partner.
Again, I assume your mother is trying to fit the norm regarding relationships and she wants the company of another human on her journey through life.
I doubt if it is the desire for another dick that is motivating her in continuing to have a relationship.
I think perhaps that she had more traditional views on life and doesn't wish to be a single person forever.
She may even be hoping to get married.
I suggest you agree to spend time with your youngest sister so that you can know first hand how she is doing and warn her that some men try to take advantage of children by touching them inappropriately.
Many schools now have ways of discussing this topic without damaging children and you might ask her if she knows what to do if anyone tried to draw her into a game that wasn't a game at all.
I'm sure that your mother didn't set out to attract narcissistic and damaging men.
These kind of men frequently go for someone they can put into a victim role so it's not surprising that your mother feels victimised.
That doesn't detract from the trauma you've been through and you have no way of knowing if her new guy is going to try to take advantage of her and her family.
It's really sad because your mother probably never had an adequate role model to love.
So many people don't and they just muddle along in what they assume love to be.
All I can suggest is that you offer to be on hand for your younger sister as much as possible and if the new man turns out to be devious or trouble then you must call the police if necessary.
Also watch out for yourself.
You are young enough to attract any hot-blooded male or otherwise and you must be careful who you add into your life.
Ideally you would be looking for someone who respects woman!
Did you ever make sure that your dad got arrested for the crimes he committed against you?
If not then you should report it as a case of historic sex abuse.
You can do this through the police or preferably through a solicitor who could contact the police for you and help to see the case through.
It would help to empower you.
Please be cautious who you reveal your life story to as there are plenty of unscrupulous people out to take advantage.
I should hate for that to happen to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2022): Please PLEASE take care of yourself. You sister IS NOT your responsibility, let alone your mother.Your mother sounds like someone who's pretty self-centered. She's more interested in finding a guy than taking care of her kids. She may suffer from borderline personality disorder (google it, see if it fits and take a look at advice for handling and protecting yourself from such people). Even though it's a disorder make no mistake people who suffer from it KNOW what is right and what is wrong, but always put their fears and anxieties first. They are terrified of being alone. This fear can be the source of all sorts of mistakes. They put in harm's way themselves AND people around them. Their kids always suffer and have many issues to deal with. YOU CAN'T HELP HER. You are her enabler. That is what she wants you to be. So...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. What are you doing with your life? Are you financially independent? Do you have a degree? Work towards your independence. When you take care of yourself you will be able to help your sister out. Why can't you mom work? I understand that some people are really ill and can't work full-time. What bugs me is the fact that she goes out with men and can't work. Find a support group. I know that therapy is expensive. What you went through is hard. You need to heal and move on.
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A
male
reader, Chip +, writes (19 January 2022):
 I fully understand how you might feel about your mother. My mom was quite a rounder with men and went with many in her early years. I have a brother and sister that were born out of wedlock and to this day, my sister and I do not know who our father is. Our younger brother eventually found out who his dad was, but he was dead, so he never got to see him. The sad part about it all is that my mom was 3 months pregnant with him when she married our stepdad. Oh, some of them really seem to lose their minds when all they can think about is getting another man.
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