A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I lost my virginity a long time ago to someone I had only met that day. I have always blamed myself and been quite embarrassed about it but in no way felt victimised or assaulted. But recently it has been bothering me because I consented to a point and then things were happening before I had time to fully register what I wanted. I didn't mind exploring my sexuality and what felt nice but I didn't know his pants were off and I thought he would stop for a condom if things were going that way. He was entering me as I realised and then had a moment to decide but it felt too late - that it was already happening. It hurt and I do remember saying is it (like was it all in) and he said "about half way" and me cracking a nervous joke of "oh so that means I am half a virgin". He carried on and he was slow moving about, and when he asked if he could cum ... I hesitated for too long and he just got off. I remember thinking "oh that is sex?!" and quickly putting my pants back on when he was in the bathroom. We chatted for a few hours and when he fell a sleep, I cried. There was no cuddles or what felt like tenderness. When I went home I cried more. I did sleep with him once more two weeks later because I couldn't lose my virginity to a one night stand and honestly think I was trying to get to know him better to sort of validate my mistake and shame. To take control and change the narrative. I was already going to hell for having sex so a sort of let's see if I can get a better experience out of this and what it all means. He didn't use a condom the 2nd time either. So no surprise I got pregnant and two weeks after that - he cut all contact with me.Please be gentle but reading all that, do you think I have a right to feel confused and upset and like things were blurred? I'm not a victim and I can see why he thought he has the green light but for me things progressed a bit fast.I've never talked about it like this with anyone.
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condom, lost my virginity, one night stand Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2022): You have to realize that life makes no promises that our first-time will be exactly as we imagine. We can fantasize and create the ideal situation; but we also have to face what reality may bring. Many people lie, and make up a lovely story for the benefit of others.
Things sometimes just happen unlike what we've hoped or dreamed they would; and we don't always have the power to alter the outcome. Once something occurs, it becomes a fact. A reality to be faced, good or bad. We learn to deal with our mistakes, and those unplanned things that simply happen beyond our control. They become a lesson learned; an unexpected mishap to be corrected or avoided in the future. Otherwise, we'll unnecessarily blame ourselves for not being able to predict the future; and waste precious years of our lives wallowing in self-pity, anger, or disappointment. This is DC, we've been told of situations that were many many times worse!
The good thing is, you survived, learned something, and lived-on. Look forward, not backward; that's where we get stuck, and create unnecessary suffering or anxiety.
I would, try not to dwell on the past; because you're unable to change it. You've lived a lot of life since then; so dwell on your blessings, and be grateful. You didn't say whether you kept the child; but if you did, I hope motherhood was rewarding, even if it was a struggle for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2022): He's not a good guy. He took advantage of you. You were inexperienced and had no idea what you were doing. So this is not what bothers me.
What bothers me is the fact that you felt obliged to go along with HIS desires, your inability to say NO and state clearly what you want, your need to change the narrative.
I am not judging you. Most women have exact same problems. We are raised that way to please other people (men). I hope that you had time to learn how to set boundaries, fight for yourself and say what you mean.
He NEVER asked you if you wanted to have sex (go all the way) as far s I understood. Things were "just happening". Well, that's NOT how things should happen. A person has a right to agree to certain things (kissing, caressing, etc.) and say no to others (penetration, oral, anal sex...). Just because you wanted to explore doesn't mean that you agreed to everything. And yes it is possible not to notice when a man takes his pants off and penetrate very fast.
My roommate and best friend was raped when she hitchhiked. It was raining, she entered his car. The guy was good-looking and charming and she reacted nicely to his compliments. To this day (it happened 25 years ago!) she cannot remember how on Earth did they go from chatting casually, to him saying he found her attractive, kissing her and then in a split second after, lifting her dress, moving her panties and penetrating her. (this wasn't his first time doing this that's for sure) She agreed on kissing. But not on anything else. What she couldn't forgive herself (apart from hitchhiking, obviously) was the fact that she wore a short dress, which made it easier for him. Had she worn pants, maybe just maybe that would have given her time to SCREAM no in his face. But honestly, the guy thought that it was fun and had even given her his number. She lost the paper before she came home, shaking and crying. And bleeding. The guy really thought it was consensual. He never said what he wanted to do. He never asked what she wanted to do. How the hell could he have thought that?
Any kind of sex that is not fully consensual and that puts someone in danger (like NOT wearing a condom) is rape in my book. He should have waited to hear a clear yes from you before going all the way. The fact that you tried to change the narrative just shows how well you knew that what he did to you was wrong. It's high time you learned that it wasn't your fault!
In order for a person to consent they must know what they're consenting to! Manipulators like to use the gray areas to get what they want.
After my husband to be and I had been on a date, he took me home and ASKED me if he could kiss me. That's what I'm talking about. The fact that he asked meant the world to me. But honestly he was also doing it for himself not just as a sign of respect towards me.
Again. You were inexperienced. You don't say how old you were. You don't say what happened with the pregnancy. I just hope that you will wake up tomorrow and love your self more!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 January 2022):
 I have to agree with FA,
That was not a fun first time. For several reasons.
You two didn't really know each other, so there was no emotional bond. Which was probably also why he could "discard" you so fast after.
OP, many many people regret their first time. Often because they confuse being horny with being ready. You weren't ready, he really didn't know WHAT he was doing either. Or he was a really really bad uncaring sexual partner - I can't call him a lover because nothing he did was loving.
And yes you have a "right" to feel confused and upset. But I think it is also time for you to FORGIVE yourself for your part in that event. And him too. Holding on to this OLD guilt and regret does nothing FOR you. Other than occasional misery.
You made a bad choice. You felt used and rejected. So no wonder this was NOT a good experience.
We have ALL made bad choices, most of us have done things we regret or feel guilty about - one way or another. At some point though, you have to see it as a lesson in life, ACCEPT reality of what happened and let it go. Dragging around this anchor of confusion, hurt, and regret doesn't help you. Unfortunately, Shitty things happen to good people too.
He sounds like he was an immature insensitive idiot.
Chin up, OP. This doesn't make you a bad person.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 January 2022):
 That sounds awful. I'm sorry you went through that.
I agree things were blurred. A better person would have discussed birth control and your virginity before he took his pants off. Even if you were willing. But perhaps he was as inexperienced as you? It seems he wasn't into your pleasure, he wasn't a good lover.
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