A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is kinda a long story, although I will try to keep this as short as possible. So here's the deal, my ex and I are trying to get back together but my mother absolutely HATES him and won't let me be with him although I am 18. I have previously dated this guy for a little over a year, despite my mother's opposing attitude. Things got so bad with my mother that we split up. We made the decision to try things again, but take them slow, in other words try to get my mom to approve before we put things out in the open. Not only does my mom despise him for several reasons unknown, she also said that as long as i live under her roof i cannot see him, or be with him. Although I am 18 and she should have no say in who i want to be with, she holds this over my head. She has never given me any valid or legit reason why she hates him so, and she freaks out at the mention of his name. Our plan was to somehow ease into making her like him or at least be ok with us being together. I have no clue where to begin or what to say. She hates him soooo bad it just seems impossible. We don't want to have to sneak around like little kids, we are trying to go about this the right way, but it is very complicated. I would get my own place or move out in a hearbeat, but I am unable to do so just yet. Is there anyway possible to get my mom to ''approve'' of him, how to convince her and get over this whole threatening to kick me out if i see him deal? Please and Thanks!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2012): I'd like to point out that a parent, once their child turns 18, only has a real say in what happens IN THEIR HOUSE. If the newly christened adult chooses to live in the house but keep the relationship out of it, then I don't see how the parents can really do a damned thing about it.
Sorry, but the mother is completely in the wrong and yet, somewhat paradoxically, well within her rights to not allow someone into her home.
So my advice would be to continue to date the guy if you so wish, but keep it out of your mother's house, that way you are respecting her rules as she has laid them down but sending a firm message that your life is your own, not hers, not anymore, and whilst you'd like her support, you don't actually need it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2012):
 if she's not giving you a reason then that's unfair of her.
if she gave you valid reasons would you listen to her?
what would be a valid reason.
truth is if you live in her home and she pays your bills... she till owns your butt... her house her rules.
if you want to be treated like an adult you need to act like one... that means you either comply with her rules or you move out.
But I'm betting she has a good reason and is afraid to tell you for
a. fear of hurting you
b. ruining your relationship with her (as you will shoot the messenger)
c. knowing you will not believe her...
I'm going to tell you right now that I am betting you are looking the OTHER WAY about SOMETHING that is a problem...
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (3 September 2012):
 Yepp you should sit with her and ask her why. There has got to be reasons and have her tell them to you. Other than that you need to save to get out on your own. I was surprised how many people said it is her house, her rules. That's how my house was, my dad controlled everything until we left. But I thought most homes were lenient when one turned 18. I digress. It's her house so until you can leave you need to accept what she says. I'd start saving up regardless of her reasons as I do not like to be controlled and told who I can and can't see.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): Her house; her rules and that's the way it is OP. Without knowing her reasons I really can't say whether she has point or not, nor whether she's being unreasonable and no offence OP but I wouldn't trust you to judge as love is blind and I've seen plenty of people just not see how horrible their relationship or partner really is.
You're 18 now, it's time to sit down with her like the adult that you are get her to tell you her reasons.
Then come back to us and let us know what they are. She must have reasons OP and I'm surprized you never bothered to find out what they are by now.
If you've come here for us to tell you that your mother is being unfair then no one in their right mind will tell you that without knowing her reasons first. My mother is very protective of my sisters and would make the same rules to them if she thought their boyfriends were bad news, that's what mothers do, they protect their kids.
Without knowing why we just can't judge whether it's fair or not but we can definitely say she's perfectly within her rights and justified in setting any rules she likes in her house and you know how to fix that.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 September 2012):
 Given your mum's vitriolic reaction to him my guess is she knows something about your boyfriend she isn't telling you. Maybe she thinks it's better for you to be angry with her than hurt by whatever it is she knows about him.
Being 18 doesn't mean you suddenly get all the perks of an adult without any of the burdens. It means you take on the burdens and THEN you get the perks. Perks that include deciding for yourself whom you can date.
You have two choices. Either continue letting your mother support you and learn to live with her rules or move out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): ". . . she also said that as long as i live under her roof i cannot see him, or be with him. Although I am 18 and she should have no say in who i want to be with, she holds this over my head."No matter your age, as long as you live under your mother's roof, she holds all the cards. "I would get my own place or move out in a hearbeat, but I am unable to do so just yet." No matter your age, as long as you live under your mother's roof, she holds all the cards. "Is there anyway possible to get my mom to ''approve'' of him, how to convince her and get over this whole threatening to kick me out if i see him deal?"No. Given you don't mention any specifics about your boyfriend, I'm assuming your mother has good reasons to dislike him; and given you don't mention your father, I'm assuming bio-dad is long out of the picture and I suspect your mother is trying to prevent you from repeating her mistakes, and she probably thinks she's too young to be a grandmother. Personally I think she's being unreasonable by refusing to voice her objections, but to repeat an old cliche: No matter your age, as long as you live under your mother's roof, she holds all the cards.
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