| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I feel really sad, because I broke up with my ex last Monday. We'd been struggling with his trust issues for a long 6 years. He had problems with my past, because I had been with a guy he knows (but I didn't sleep with him, I had a crush on him, we kissed and the most I did was give him oral sex - but even then he didn't finish, it was only once, etc.). I had not told him about this, then when he asked I got nervous and lied, and this caused the whole trust issues mess. He would always be suspicious, and he'd react really badly to "the truth" so being honest was really hard. He always promised he'd change.The problem is, of course, he never did. Long story short, at one point, we traveled together and when I was in the shower he went through my phone, and got really upset because of my call log. I was pretty angry but forgave him. Then, when we traveled again, he did the same thing! I was upset, but he apologized and I let it go, however I asked him never to do it again, and he promised he wouldn't. Then last Monday I stayed at his place, and I carelessly left my phone on the bed. I forgot about his "habit". Well, he did it again, found a missed call from a friend at around 4 am and absolutely flipped! Accused me of cheating and all. I admit it's discouraging to find a missed call at 4 am from a member of the opposite sex - but I explained how it was a misunderstanding, how I would never cheat, that I absolutely had nothing with my friend (and made the mistake of telling my ex that my friend has a girlfriend... guess what? he messaged her on Facebook telling her I had an affair with her boyfriend). He didn't believe me and gave the classic excuse "I'm glad I snooped, because you're a liar and a cheater, and if you didn't lie so much I wouldn't have to do this!".He didn't even apologize for invading my privacy, he really feels what he did was right. I feel so hurt because 1) he obviously thinks I'm a slut if he thinks I would cheat on him, considering I never give him real reasons to suspect 2) he broke a promise 3) he just had no respect whatsoever for my privacy and 4) it's sad to see that the person you love so much has such big insecurity issues that you can't help. Now I feel really sad, because if it weren't because of his insecurity and trust issues we could be so happy. I spent 6 years with him, I miss him, but I also feel betrayed in a way. I don't even know how to go about moving on... also because throughout the relationship he was quite critical of me - so my self esteem is a bit low, too. I don't know how to move on, how to start feeling better and getting over him. I think of him all day.
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affair, broke up, crush, facebook, has a girlfriend, liar, move on, my ex, oral sex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 September 2012):
 I'm sorry honey but I do think breaking up with him was for the best.
The only thing you can really do with this is look back at your OWN actions and not repeat them. As in don't start off a relationship with lying. It really can break trust for good, specially if you are with a guy who obviously has issues. And your guy had it in spades.
And in the future don't enable a control freak. You kept letting him get away with stuff, and he kept doing it. You are not helping yourself by forgiving someone's bad behavior over and over and over. Like Einstein said... Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I suggest you block, delete and go NO contact with this guy. Take your time to mourn what could have been and what was and then let it go.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 September 2012):
 I know you're mourning the demise of your relationship right now, but trust me OP, very soon you will be celebrating with joy, at having giving a second chance to lead a happy life. Because with this guy, it was anything but it. You might think you were happy and you will definitely think he was a part of you and your life but in reality it was none of it. This guy was abusive, a control freak and suffered from the worst possible case of retroactive jealousy. You are not a slut but in his mind you were the biggest one who ever walked this earth. He could never "forgive" you for your past, although that was really none of his business. He punished you every single day for your past, every second that he was with you, he was plotting his next plan to "trap" you and prove himself right. He was so caught up in his own insecurities, that he was blinded by anything else.
Don't allow anyone to corrode your self esteem. Don't be silly. Remember, no one can make you feel bad unless you ALLOW them to. Wake up, smell the coffee, celebrate your freedom. You are finally liberated! You are not with someone who was slowly killing you, one day at a time. Tell me, can such a relationship ever be a happy one? Stop fooling yourself, 6 years might have been long but its finally time to get your own identity and happiness back. You don't have to be apologetic about anything, you have done no wrong. Be strong, be confident and dont ever even think of going back to him and dont take him back either, no matter how much he begs. His actions are inexcusable and this is really the limit!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 September 2012):
 I know that you're mourning the relationship, and I understand that. A six year relationship especially is traumatic when it ends.
That being said, I'm going to tell you a few things you're not going to believe at this point in your grieving, but eventually, you'll realize how right I am on this:
1. This guy broke you down. This means that he wore you down to the point where you simply let his insecurities and need to control you take over your life and habits.
2. This guy, in blowing up at you and breaking up with you, did the greatest thing in the world for you. You are now detoxing from a highly toxic relationship, and this guy was a leech. He was sucking the life from you, sucking the happiness from you, and sucking the strength from you.
3. This guy didn't respect you. You gave too much ground when he kept interrogating you about your past. You know that in the future, you can tell a guy that your past is none of his business. He further didn't respect you by rifling through your private things. He wasn't married to you! He had no evidence that you cheated on him. He simply looked for disloyalty because that's what he was obsessed with finding.
Listen to me carefully: It doesn't matter if he thinks you're a slut. He *WANTED* to see you that way. He became hypersensitive and nurtured and coddled his insecurities for so long, his opinion of you was already at *slut* even before this last fight. You are best rid of him.
This guy suffered from retroactive jealousy, which in varying degrees affects many people. They go crazy obsessing over every facet of their partner's past, letting any past contact, physical or otherwise, drive them insane and cause them to feel like you're cheating every time they even thought of it. The guy was obsessive and toxic.
Best to mourn the relationship, but do NOT chase after him. He needs to change, not you. If you chase him or pine for him or run after him, you will reinforce his obsession and disrespect and jealousy and insecurity.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 September 2012):
 Hi
This is seriously horrible that he has such major TRUST issues.
I think he also as major CONTROL issues and he is way too insecure to be a good partner to anyone. While he has those issues he will continue to sabotage relationships in the future.
He is the one with the problem. His own insecurities and his own trust issues are entirely his to solve. He is useless as a boy friend while he has these unresolved issues.
You now need to get on with your life and allow his to solve his own problems as he is an adult and no one but him can fix this. He trashed all thought of trust between the two of you.
In any case time differences mean that one can often receive a message at odd times of the year. I regularly receive messages at all sorts of times. Good thing my partner is not insecure. When a guy has complete trust in you then all these issues evapourate into nothing. Because they are not an issue for a person who is secure within themselve.
And what a disgusting act of betrayal (and LIES) for him to contact the girl on FB. That is really really LOW.
Good that you discovered how completely LOW he could go as to do that.
Now is the time to rebuild you. look at your life and what you can do to ensure that you recognise a control freak earlier, before the start of a relationship. I agree that your ex hid his nasty side well from you for a long time.
But you knew the man really really well. So use that knowledge to make sure you can identify any clues/pointers/signs that any future guy might be the same and drop the guy. So that you never suffer a control freak again.
And these Articles from Great Aunts and Great Uncles on DearCupid.org may help.
here they are:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/-is-it-wise-to-excuse-staying-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/a-survival-guide-for-the-serial-dumpee.html
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