A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year. We are both young-he is 23 and I am 21. He cheated on me in December last year 2-3 months into our relationship. I found out exactly three weeks ago. I was completely shocked and heartbroken when I found out. We just came back from Cuba and I thought we were very much in love. He didn't intend for me to find out but his computer told the story. I cried nonstop until I had no more energy in me. It felt like I had everything sucked out of me. I felt so stupid, hurt and unbelievably sad. I was dealing with my parents' divorce a couple months back and I shifted my emotional balance to him. Suddenly I felt so betrayed and helpless and hurt by everyone I trusted. I couldn't stop crying and trembling. I couldn't stop myself from hitting his face and arms so I just ran out. He was shocked and was begging but I could care less about his begging. Later during that day, we met again and I just cried and got super upset in the end. It was so particularly difficult at that time because we were at his parents who were really close with me. The whole thing fell onto me in the city that wasn't home but I was working and studying in. Shamed and shocked, I didn't know who to turn to and where to hide. I was about to move to another metropolitan city to continue school in 2 days. We thought it'd be easy given the nature of the school will allow us to meet often and for months every year. Also more because we thought we were in love. I didn't know how to act at all. He kissed his doctor in Peru last December on a trip. He knew her for 3/4 days and kissed her twice. I made him show me all of their contacts. He kept in touch with her after he came back. I was away from the country for another week when he came back from the trip. That was when they had the most contacts through MSN and phone and emails. As I came back to him, it faded away and their conversations just faded. For what I know, he was always the one who initiated the conversation and he was emotionally involved. He kept on denying it and said it was a mistake and a confused moment of professional admiration. But I know that there is no absolute truth but different ways that we prefer to see it.I gave him a hard time and made him explain everything to me in detail. Then there was drama and I left the city and he followed to spend a few more days with me.The past three weeks were spent with him visiting frequently and me going back to see him once. I kept on trying to forgive him and thinking about it as something that was in the past and in the beginning of the relationship. And he cried and was sad and was really sorry. But moments always came back when I could not forget what he did and all those things that he said and did with her haunt me and they make me rethink our relationship over and over in detail. Everything he did sometimes just lost meaning. It felt like empty words. And I was so trusting. To be honest to myself, the relationship didn't start as me liking him a lot. I thought I had the upper hand and maybe that also was also projected from my close friends who didn't think we were a good match. I thought that out of anything, faithfulness was the last thing I had to worry because, from the beginning to the end, he was very clingy and looked down to earth. He is not as social and I never had doubts that he would cross his boundaries.It all turned out that what I thought was the biggest lie to myself. I have held myself overly responsible for his affections and thought to much of what he felt for me. Now in a new city, I am torn between being happy and forgiving, because my working environment is prestigious and my colleagues are amazing, dynamic and friendly people, and being upset and determined to just end it. Could anyone give me any advice? I don't know what to do. We grew too close in the past 8-9 months that I don't know how to look at it. My moodswings are killing me and I don't know how to deal with him. I am caught between wanting to distance myself and finding something else that may be the real true love and being the same baby to him that I always was. Can someone give me some input and help, please? How should I handle it? What do you think this all means?As a side note, I have been in the place of a third person in a relationship although I have never met the gf and I knew how it was to fall for someone that you shouldn't have. But I never thought that I'd be punished in this way and I swear that I will never be that person again in my life. So if anybody reading this has relevant experience, know that it's hurtful. And know that life always teaches us a lesson in the end.
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