A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been having sex with both my husband and his best friend (his first cousin) for 11 years. we were to be a double date when we were 17 and Jackson's (my husbands cousin) date did not show up. so we went out as a trio and been that way ever since. we dated for 2 years and i adored them both, but developed a deeper emotional tie to my husband. he wanted to marry me but, i didn't want to give up sex with Jackson. my husband said he and Jackson had shared and shared alike since they were 5 and why change now. they do everything together: hunt together, fish together, went to Iraq together, work on cars together and bed me together. when i decided to have children, Jackson and i changed how we had sex so no bodily fluids were transfered (how'd yah like that medical talk). i had a boy when i was 23 and another when i was 25. i decided not to have anymore children, but 18 months ago we found out that Jackson (not his real name of course) was sick with advanced lymphatic cancer. The prognosis was grim and the doctors said he had anywhere from 9 months to a year. Jackson had married once, but the marriage did not produce children and his wife left him. One night in bed, my husband asked me if i ever thought about having another child. i started to say no way Jose, but something in the way he asked the question made me ask him what's up. he said Jackson was going to leave this world with no children and he knew that it was the one thing Jackson really regretted. so, of course, i volunteered.though i have never had a particularly warm or close relationship with my mother, i told her what i was planning to do. she was enraged and told me if i did that, she would cut me out of her life...her comment was "i have 2 other daughters, so one less wouldn't hurt". well, i became pregnant with Jackson's baby and i didn't tell my mother right away. i was only 5 months pregnant when Jackson passed away and since it was winter, it was not noticeable under all the winter wraps. my mother did not say anything to me at the funeral. i went to visit her several days later and she met me at the door. she looked at my slightly swollen belly and said "his?" i said yes and she shut the door in my face and turned the lock. the baby is a year old now and a pretty pretty little girl. my sisters and brother have seen her often (my dad has been dead for over 10 years) but, my mother won't see her or even answer my phone calls. she won't let my brother or sisters even mention her. why is she so spitefully mean?is there anything i can do to get her to see her granddaughter? she won't even see the two boys. she told my older sister that they most likely have strangers for dads too. Jackson was no stranger, but her only brother's son. my boys doted on their grandmother and her coldness really hurts them. she won't even talk to them on the phone.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 When one gets old , it cannot be help that they have rigid thoughts.
It is a tragedy of her own making.
There is nothing to be done about that.
She has ex communicated you and thats the end..
Only a miracle can change her mind.
There is nothing much you can do but to live your own life as you deemed fit.
Some day she may or may not come to her senses.
All you can do is to pray for her.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 April 2008):
 First of all I'm not going to admit to or seem as if I condone the tripple relationship you had going on. To each their own, and everyone has reasons to why.
As far as carying his child, so their would be a piece of him left behind, I would have to say that you are admirable in doing so. This was agreed upon by you and your husband. A decision within "your" family, and one I would think others would respect as well.
Unfortunately, in this case you're going to have to be extremely firm. I hate to say it, but if she's going to be the way she's being, your kids are better off not having a relationship with her. As a parent your number one job is to protect your children, both mentally and physically.
I'd just send a simple letter. As I said, you need to be firm, so she realizes you're not going to allow this poor behavior to affect your ability to raise the children. Realize, no one can cause these behaviors other than her own choice. It's not your burden to cary. It's grandmas. Her choice, her feelings and her ownership of both. I'd just let her know that you can't change her mind, and make choices for her. You wish this wasn't the direction she would have gone, but adult to adult you have to accept her choice. Let her know you must raise the kids to be happy without undue influence of the "chill", so she knows where to find you if she wants to talk and work out these issues.
I know this will be hard for you, but you really can't cause her to take another direction if her mind set remains as it is now. Raise your children and feel blessed you have your kids.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): My goodness me. I think where you are from you clearly have much more flexible boundaries regarding relationships. Whilst you are clearly comfortable sharing bodily fluids (not medical talk really is it) with two men unfortunately I think your child will have the most issues. Growing up knowing her mother had regular sexual contact with two men who were friends, shared herself freely (abeit with consent) and that she was a gift-daughter for a dying man who never met her anyway. I think you have controlled rather too much - like playing god. Perhaps your mother finds it a little difficult to accept - which you knew she would. Therefore you now have a daughter who has no grandmother relationship (as well as no father) and will want to know why. Good luck with the explanation.
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