A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok well my mam split up from my actual dad when i was very young because he was and still is an alcoholic. as i was young i never minded much because i didn't know what was going on. i still seen him every 2 weeks for a few hours. everything was fine until i started in a new school in 1st class where i got bullied. nothing major just stupid remarks over my height (im really small) then there was one girl who would, every so often, mention the fact that my dad wasn't around and laugh about it. back then i hated the fact that i barely seen my dad but then when i was about 8 my mam started seeing this other guy. after about a year or so he moved in and basically became my step dad. i loved him to bits because he always took us out and the main thing was he was there for us.my step dad and mam then went on to have 4 kids together and it was great because it felt as if we were a proper family. by then i knew my father is an alcoholic and i started to lose respect for him after mam told me what it was like living with him so my step dad became in my eyes my real dad. about 2 months ago though my mam and step dad started fighting. i didn't notice as im going to a school away from home and i currently live near the school. then i came home at the weekend about 3 weeks ago and mam told me how she split up with my step dad after being together over 10 years. she started giving out about him to me and now every weekend when i go home she has a new story about what he said or did. i hate listening to it because i think of him as my real dad and i dont want this to be happening.i have exams in 2 weeks and im under a lot of stress and this whole situation isn't helping. i feel as if my heart is being ripped apart. i hate going home now and seeing the fact he isn't around. he now stays next door with his parent and it is just really awkward when i see him. my mam doesn't see why i would be upset over it all because he isn't my real dad but he has been there for me for most of my life. i end up constantly crying myself to sleep and i get really depressed when i go home.i dont know what to do any more. i cant talk to my mam because she doesn't listen. i just want the pain to go away. this whole situation has changed my views on life. i now never want to get married because i dont think i could handle the thought of another guy leaving and i dont want kids because i dont want to take the chance of having them grow up with a situation like this.If anyone has any help of how i can get through this please let me know.
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female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Hi
Such pain your dealing with right now is awful, and right near your exams. Your mother is not being fair on you right now, I know she must be feeling hurt too, but she must understand that this man HAS been your dad for many years,and you have a great bond with him. There is nothing stopping you from keeping that up.I know you will feel like you have to pick sides, but if your mother cant understand she shouldn't put you in this situation, then she needs to see a councilor, because this is having a great impact on your life. Tell your mum you love her dearly, but you love your step dad too, and still want to be a part of his life, even if she doesn't want to be. You have brothers and sister now who share the same dad, you have the right to see him when ever you like. You wont be able to stop them from staying apart. And dont ever let this stop you from being married or having children, this is your mothers life, your life will be different, your life will be what YOU make it.xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): i'm so sorry this has happened to you. i've been with my partner for two years and feel extremely attached to her son. i feel as though i'm his parent, despite biology. as you know, biology doesn't make someone your parent. how they treat you does. and this man has been much, much more of a father than your biological father.i think it's terrible for your mother to claim that she doesn't understand why you'd be so upset, as he's not your actual father. seems to me she must just be saying that as a way to lessen her guilt for the break up of your family. it probably makes her feel better to be in denial of the hurt this is causing everyone.i'm certain this man is crushed about the break up of your family and wants desperately to maintain a relationship with you, as he's been your father for ten years. you say he lives next door. can you make a point to spend time with him, as you did your biological father? i know this isn't ideal, but ultimately i'm sure you would rather have him in your life than not at all.if i were you, i'd try to talk to your mom again. genuinely let her know your real, true feelings on the matter. and do NOT let her downplay your feelings. if she tries to downplay it again, stand firm. don't allow her to make you feel as though you don't have the right to feel how you feel. your mother should be there for you to talk to. also, try to talk to your step-dad about your feelings. he may be more receptive to hear your feelings than she is. keep your head up. this will be hard, but eventually you will work through it. this may be the end of the relationship between him and your mom, but doesn't mean the end of your relationship with him.
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