A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to get rid of all these negative thoughts about my parents. I keep haveing emotional outbursts and getting angry.My sister and my dad fell out three years ago and made up at the start of the year. He could not be their for me enough when my sister his favrite sibling wasn't in his life. I feel like not long after they made up he stoped bothering with me as much. I tried to phone him to see if he was ok and his phone was off so I left a message and heard nothing back in october.It was my daughters second birthday at the end of november and my dad didn't get in touch with me to wish her a happy birthday. I keep getting upset about this and the fact I feel like he's dropped me completly. I feel like he doesn't really care about me despite the good things he's done. I rembered the time he told me he wouldn't care if I was dead when I was 16. He use to call me names like thick and stupid and laugth at me as a child.My mom prides herself on fairniess but on a subconsiuse level I don't feel thats all the case. Only slightly. Me and my sister have both been in bad relationships but my sisters boyfriend is more aggresive and up front with it and is pysical were as my ex was manipulative and not really pysical but still caused me a'lot of upset. My mom didn't seem to worry for me and showed a great deal more concern for my sis even though she thinks mental abuse is worse than pysical. She just saw my relationship as an argumentative one even though it took me 6 years to break free. On my daughters first birthday I did her a first birthday party and not one of my friends turned up and some didn't text to say they couldn't make it even though originaly they said would. I'd gone to a'lot of effort, spending a'lot of money on food for everyone. It broke my heart to realise to see it for what it was. My moms responce was, your probably getting bad karma back for being unreliable in the past. I was so hurt and didn't feel any support from my mom but I know for fact if the same thing happended to my sister my would feel really bad and say oh isn't that a shame, your sister has gone to all that trouble and nobody has turned up.I feel really upset and don't know how to deal with these emotions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2011): You need to stop seeking approval and validation from your parents. Learn to love yourself and surround yourself with positive people who care about you. whether it be friends, other family members, and so on. you've lived your entire life filled with shame, as is natural for people who grew up in an environment where they were shamed by the people they looked up to and at one time trusted. This is called a "toxic shame" and there are books written about it. It's toxic because you deep down believe that yohu're fundamentally flawed or defective so it's a kind of self-hatred. And you carry it with you into adulthood and possibly all your entire life if you dont' get it addressed properly so you can heal from it. Healing from this kind of deep seated shame about yourself, is not intuitive and it's very hard if not impossible to do by yourself without any professional guidance. So please talk to a counselor or therapist. The path to healing your shame - and with it your rage at the ones who caused it - begins with learning to love yourself and accept yourself. But you can't do that if you keep getting stuck in trying to get validation from the ones who caused your pain in the first place.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): PLEASE seek counselling. It is apparent that you come from a not so loving, supportive home. Which unfortunately seems to be widespread in the world these days. I feel for you. *hugs*
Okay. Definitely I see neglect from both Mom & Dad but not so much from Mom. It would be hard to be married to Dad because Mom is doing her best to be fair yet I suspect Dad doesn't like his 'authority' challenged. Dad didn't have the greatest of homes either because nows hes passing down the abuse/neglect to you.
Either way, take charge and get some emotional support from a good source which would be counselling because Mom AND Dad are not it.
With this, get angry over injustice of neglect.Hells yah. But don't stay there for long. You want to OVERCOME it and get strong, healthy, wise, and go into KICK BUTT Mode.
I suspect you will emotionally outgrow your Parents, and thats fine. Some people are like a cancer and need to be cut out. You can still love them and want them to be happy but you don't have to enable their abuse, poor behaviour.
BOUNDARIES.
As you heal, recover, you will gain insight and strength and be able to take charge of your life, your friendships, and see you may in fact need new, loving, reliable friends.
Its a part of growing. So the future is definitely bright.
You will see change and be change and in this case its about time change.
Your life, your rules.
And really, you be the best Mother you can be to your Daughter and Daughter will grow up happier, stronger, wiser, healthier and stop the cycle of abuse.
Imagine you, her, grandkids and how loving and involved they are in your life because YOU made a decision NOW to change and stop all the abuse.
See, you are VERY KICK ASS! ;)
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