A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This is a long story but i will try to keep short..I am in a relationship and have been for some years.For the last 6 years i have been seeing a married woman whom i love dearly.. For information purposes my home relationship has been over for the past 6 years and i sleep in the spare room. There is nothing at all between us. My partner whom i live with does know this but we just get on with it.The married woman i am seeing is also in a dead relationship. She has three children between 18 and 24. Two are due to go to university and one is getting married...Two years ago our relationship got deeper and i asked her about 1.5 years ago to come and live with me... Or at least i said that i couldnt continue to live like this and within 2 years i wanted us to live together giving her children or adults as i think time to get to University... Anyway she just kept coming up with excuses some rather pathetic...It came to a crunch last year and i said i needed an answer..... she still does a lot of family things and also still shares the same bed with her husband. She tells me there is no sex but i know she is afraid of him. And i have my doubts as about a 13 months ago i told her that if she did i would struggle to cope with it as i wasnt doing it at home..for a long time... I had had to put up with her having sex with him prior to this..Anyway one of the children is now geting married so its another year and a half i have to wait...then she thinks or says she will leave and come with me... I have asked her how she plans to do this? No answer?She does not intend to tell her husband she wants a divorce until then.....Over the last year i have been mentally tortured and its really getting me down.. I may see her only 6 or 7 times a year on a 1 to 1 basis.. We speak everyday on the phone and i see her in work...She says that i am the one keeping things together for her but if thats the case its all falling apart for me.. Its her wedding anniversary soon a big one and that will just cut me up inside.. knowing its all a sham and a lie..and the family will go out for a meal or a party or something like that..She has clearly stated that she will not be able to be mine until her daughter is married....We are also of different religions and she thinks that she will be cut off from her family but can cope with this as long as she does the wedding...I am really worried that as soon as the wedding is over something else will crop up...and there is a lot happening this year which again is going to torture me..as i am quite emotional....In my opinion i spend very little time with her well quality time and i am now thinking that i am being used to complete somones life...The worst thing of all is i work with her partner and i know of all the things he does and has done. Some of which she knows... Its a complete joke!!What do you think i should do as i have finished this relationship two days ago....I am gutted but fed up of being on my own all the time and not being able to be with the person i love...I have had a terrible year,,, stressed, lost wait, hair loss etc all the usual stuff when someone is depressed.. I have great loneliness in my life and simply cant understand why someone who is supposed to love me continues to hurt me without making any changes in her life...I mentally torture myself thinking all sorts and she just doesnt want to make changes until after the wedding...I understand that but why do i have to put up with all the other stuff that comes with that..I dont know i just wanted to talk to someone....
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anniversary, depressed, divorce, I work with, married woman, mistress, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I'm bisexual and married to my high school sweet heart. I'm having an affair so I'm getting the best of both world's. My mistress has started pressuring me to backup my promises to close up shop with my hubby now that all but one of our children are off to college. The one will be off to college in September. I have no intention of leaving my hubby. I'm conflicted because I want to keep my mistress all to myself although it's wrong. I'm at a cross road. I'm going to finish up with my mistress after a find one to replace her. I'm not leaving my hubby.
Your mistress is stringing you along. Nothing's going to change unless you love yourself first. Stop making her your world. She respects her hubby and has little respect for you. You're not going to see a happy ending. You already know this but it's difficult for you to stomach that you're fighting a losing battle for a woman you want but will never have.
You have to be the one that puts your foot down and stop the relationship. I will never leave my hubby for my mistress. I'm looking for another to replace her for when she finally grows a back bone and finishes with me.
Pull yourself together and leave. You're being used even though your mistress probably does care a great deal about you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): The reality is that this married woman will NEVER leave her hb. How will she explain that she is an adulterer/cheater to her family and especially to her kids. She is saving face and she will never admit to her hb that she wants out.
She stays bec she wants to. She keeps changing the goalpost bec she can.
You have only seen her 6/7 times in the past year. She claims that she is not having sex with her hb. Help me understand this: she goes without sex when not with you. Her hb sleeps next to his wifes warm body, sexy nightmare, intimate bath routines and no sex?? Both not swayed by temptation? This woman has fed you a pack of lies and you lapped it up previously.
She is going to celebrate 25(???) Years of wedded bliss. How sure are you that this is just fake? Have you seen her with her hb, observed her with him when she is not aware? Do they look estranged?
Your mistresses hb works with you. Don't you have any guilt feelings that u are breaking up a marriage and family unit? How do you face this man, every day?
I never condone affairs, no matter what the circumstances are. If you want to change your life, your character and your future then you need to kick the mistress to the curb and not look back. If you do, you just fulfill the role of a homewrecker.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I have experience of this although as the 'other woman' over 10 years hoping the married man I was seeing would leave his apparently loveless marriage and now I am free of it, apart from an inner rage sometimes about my own stupidity, I feel so free. I have also found someone who is available and to be able to have a normal relationship is like a kind of euphoria. You are the third leg in her three-legged stool that is keeping her marriage upright. If she is in the same bed as her husband then I'm sorry but there is every chance she is sleeping with him. The guy I was seeing said the same but then his wife got pregnant which said pretty much everything. I think there will always be excuses for her not to leave. If you want someone or something bad enough then you go right after it. The situation is now affecting your mental health and this is also familiar to me. I ended up with depression and I was a cheerful, vibrant and dynamic woman. I let it happen and so are you. I only managed to move on from it by changing my job (he was also a work colleague) - needed to get away from the torture. My best advice, from the heart, is end it, do whatever it takes to move on (take a long holiday, change jobs, find someone else). She will still be married to him in 10 years time (the guy I was seeing is still there and his kids have grown up...) and you will realise you were just a missing piece in her jigsaw puzzle. I am sorry to be harsh but I think you have punished yourself enough? Good luck, change your phone number and be strong. Each day it gets easier. I did it so can you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): She has a comfortable, settled life and although she likes the excitement of spending time with you, outside her life as it were, it seems she wants both worlds. It is unlikely she will leave her husband. There will always be another reason to stay. That would be alright if you are able to accept the situation but naturally you can not. So you are right to end things although it is painful for you. Waiting and waiting for something that may never happen is no way to live your life. Resolve to get yourself strong emotionally in time, it could take a while.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (10 February 2011):
I assume you're now divorced, since you wanted your lover to move in with you? If so, that's one good step that you've taken to better your situation because living in a loveless marriage is more lonely than being alone. And if you haven't actually divorced yet, then what's stopping you? She's using you because you let her. She's too afraid to divorce but she wants to keep the relationship with you going. This is unfair to you and to her husband.Her children are adults, they are certainly old enough to deal with their parents getting divorced. She's just using her daughter's wedding as an excuse to delay the discomfort of initiating a divorce. I'm pretty sure that after the daughter's wedding there will be some other excuse.tell her that your relationship with her is off until and unless she gets divorced. And then if she still doesn't leave her marriage, then you should leave her behind and move on.
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A
female
reader, mselu08 +, writes (10 February 2011):
I think you're doing the right thing by ending the relationship. You should tell her it's over until she makes a decision to leave him for good. You also need to make an honest man out of yourself and end your marriage as well. You said that your partner that you live with at home knows about your relationship? It wasn't quite clear to me if she does or not. Regardless, it's very possible that this woman still loves her husband and is using you for emotional fulfilment. I'm sure she does care about you, but she's trying to have her cake and eat it too. And that's not fair to you. Tell her that you love her but you're sorry and you can't continue this relationship until she decides to leave her husband.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 I think she's stalling because she's confused. Her husband is not quite what she wants, but sadly you may not be quite what she wants either...however the both of you together makes her life complete because what one lacks, the other has and vice versa. I don't know your situation completely but something is lacking otherwise if you were truly the "perfect" guy for her, she would've already pulled the plug on her "dead" marriage and been with you. I think she will continue to stall even after the wedding and you'd probably be wise to pull the plug and try to put your own marriage back together or divorce your wife and make a clean start on your own. From a more personal experience, I am aware that perhaps her husband may feel "comfortable and safe" to her; she has the house, the kids, and the image to live up to. You represent the forbidden, some excitement, a chance to feel risky and unpredictable, but maybe you lack the stability she needs; or the financial means to provide her with the kind of lifestyle she's used to having. Therefore there is always an excuse. It could be simply the different religious values that she fears rejection and ultimately that you two are not suited for something permanent. I wish you the best. Be strong.
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