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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm 18 and I've been dating a 23 yo guy for 5 mths (1st bf). He's wonderful, trustworthy, caring, loving, committed, willing to do anything for me and wants to marry me after we graduate.I dated him because after 6 wks of knowing him, it got to the point where we couldn't be friends anymore. I thought he was everything I wanted in a guy and part of me thought that if I was older, I would have married him straight away. But I don't think I understand myself enough to know if he's really what I want and I feel it is unfair to him for continuing the relationship and building his hopes up. I love him a lot and he's always on my mind but I just don't know... half of me wants to be with him / half of me doesn't. What to do? Reply to this Question
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (10 October 2005):
 Try to relax. Tell him that you are not ready to get married yet. Unless he wanted to marry after college, then there is no way either of you are ready. It takes much longer than 6 months for sure and it really takes dating more than one person so that you get an idea of what you do and don't want in a partner.
Even though he is loving (a bf should be and in my experience most if not all are,) that is not enough to go on for forever. Love feelings come and go. If you did not feel anything for him, would you want to stay with him and never ever date or kiss etc. another guy because he has proven that over time he is worth working at it for? Don't marry anyone till you can answer that easily.
How do you both deal in difficult situations? If saying you don't feel ready for marriage is enough to set him on edge, how will he react when a family member dies or you lose important documents, or a child is crying non stop and puking everywhere. This is real life and what real marriage is about. Trust me, you can't be ready yet.
You probably know that marriage is a legal partnership contract and not all about love.. It is not love itself personified. You can have that with out marriage. The one thing that you do look for with marriage is what I would call exit barriers. That is that you, by choice, decide that you will make it very difficult to ever break up. This is good when you are ready and when you have actually made an informed choice. You move in together maybe get a dog that neither wants to give away.... You know that it is such a huge hassle to move on, that when the loving feelings are not so there, the constraints keep you willing to keep on trying.
Finally, more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. (*some people get divorced a lot more than just once and throw the stat off probably more linked to when and who than each couple only has a 50/50 chance. In fact, those who are older, dated 2 to 4 years, are religious etc have a much lower rate...)So, those that began their marriage just out of HS and before age 25 for women and 27 for men, tend to dissolve at much higher rates.
Dating someone who is super excited to be with you is okay so long as they can respect your need to wait or go slow; if he can't, then move on. You don't build his hopes he does and if he is fully informed of your direction, he would be doing so recklessly. If he acts as if you are to blame, do not take it. That is a game used to manipulate to force your will onto others. If he does this, you need to move on. Never will two people feel the exact same thing about each other. There is no reason to feel guilty.
Due to your last line there, I would tell him that if you were meant to be, he would be okay at letting you experience the world before marriage. Ask for a little time out to get your thoughts together. 90 days apart should tell you what you really want. If he asks why, tell him you feel pressured and need to think about what your goals are and how you want to go about attaining them.
Well that’s my 2 cents and what I wish I had thought of when I was your age. Take it or leave it but, a little more time focused on you and your needs and boundaries will not harm you even if you are meant to be.
Keep to your guns and stay smart. You know what is best and you seem to have good instincts. Now all you need is the guts to follow them! Good luck.
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reader, pops +, writes (9 October 2005):
Your brain is telling you that you are too young, and you are not ready for a lifetime commitment. Give yourself some time to meet other men, date them, and learn more about yourself. As your ability to understand your self grows, your judgment about others will also improve. Dating a guy because yo didn't know what else to do after knowing him for 6 weeks hardly sounds like a ringing endorsement. Go back to being friends, and date other men. Life is not over at 19 !
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