A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This question is about my mother in law. I know that lots of peoples mothers in law are a pain in the ass, but mine is something else! She has a lot of mental health issues, including bulimia and alcoholism. She gets away with preposterous comments about my weight, makes fun of the way I speak and makes insult after insult. Trouble is, she gets away with everything she says because shes mentally ill. Last visit, she made a few insults about very personal issues in my life, and as soon as we were on the train home I fought back tears the whole way back. My husband and his family refuse to speak to her, saying she cant help it, shes just drunk. I really feel that my husband should defend me. He says there isnt any point, because last time he phoned to confront her about something, she threw her phone across the room in bad temper and refused to listen, calling me and my husband all the names under the sun. She has twisted the knife in yet again, and because no one will challenge her about it she gets away with it. I feel she needs curtailed. Every visit I am in tears over some remark shes made and I camt even stand up to her in case she "starts", and then il be the worst in the world. Its like they all tread on eggshells round her. Ive had enough. Should I tell my husband how I feel, that I either never visit again unless we lay down the law with her? What do you guys on here think?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 I honestly think that you should remove yourself from the situation. Do not go to see her under any circumstance. If she is abusive towards you, then don't give her the opportunity.
Think of it this way -- I'm sure her mental and alcohol problems are in fact a lot of what's gotten her out of control, but like the Doctor who wears the protective suit and face guard, doesn't mean you have to let her spew verbal diarrhea at you at will.
You do not owe her or your husband to sit there and take abuse. If your husband wants to see her, then let him. Refuse point blank. Tell him that he can walk on eggshells, but you will not be in the line of the verbal sputum fire.
A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (15 January 2015):
 If I were your husband and I tried to confront her and got screamed at and cursed out and hung up on, I don't think I would see purpose in confronting her again either. It doesn't even seem safe. Remember that as much stress as it causes you, she is his MOM. It must be emotionally very difficult on him that he can't trust, talk to, or be loved by his mother. He may not let that pain surface, but it has to hurt him. My advice is to try not to focus on yourself in this ugly family situation. Be empathetic for them both: for your husband and her other family; and for her. She is obviously a miserable MISERABLE person. Being drunk and needing to be drunk is devastating and never feels good. Her body is sick and at this point, she is probably dying from the poison and her mind is sick and until she is fully healed, she is not going to respect herself or others. You can't change her. You shouldn't take personally the actions of an alcoholic, and you especially can't value the things that she does while addicted. Her mind and brain are forever altered. She doesn't know reason, judgment, or even reality. If you can't value her opinion, you can't take her personally.Try not to dwell. Help her if you can, but no fuel in that fire please. ~Sy
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 Like the others, I see no point in visiting the woman if doing so takes away from the quality of your life.
Don't get into an argument with him about it though, as that would allow the woman far more control in your affairs than she should have. Be matter of fact and simply tell your husband you won't be seeing her anymore. I don't think you need to go into too much depth about how you feel. It's obvious and understandable, I daresay.
He's right that there isn't any point in getting into an argument with her. She's not getting away with it, OP. She's paying a high price for her behaviour. no one likes her or wants to be around her. If she wants companionship, she knows what to do.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (15 January 2015):
 You should do exactly as you've suggested, and not visit her again until your husband has laid down the law to her beforehand.
If she won't listen to him (which is very likely), don't visit her again. Don't stop your husband visiting her, but don't visit her yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2015):
 Dear anon,
YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID.
Let that be your mantra, when dealing with your MIL.
I get that you want your husband to defend you. I would want that too, after all it IS his mom. YOUR husband and his siblings grew up with her and her vitriol, they have probably learned to tune what she says out. To roll their eyes inward and think OH here we go again.... Which is why your husband says that talking to her does nothing.
You on the other hand are "newer" to her behavior and take to heart what she says, even IF there is no sense or truth to whatever vile she spills.
There IS no challenging her. It would be pointless. Why? Remember the mantra? YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID. You can try and "lay down the law" but it's NOT going to work. People SUCH as her likes to wallow in misery and YIPPEE if they can drag others down to wallow with her.
SHE knows what she is saying is hurtful. She knows it's RUDE. BUT she doesn't CARE, nor will she EVER care. She sees it as her "god-given" RIGHT to be a total cow to others.
If I were you, I would tell my husband how it makes you feel and that you no longer wants to visit her. You don't WANT to be around such a negative and abusive person. If your husband still wants to visit, because she is after all HIS mother, let him. Stay behind and ENJOY the peace and quiet.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 January 2015):
 That's what I would do in your situation...just stay home.
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