A
female
age
30-35,
*urioalpaca1
writes:TLDR; My MIL (f, 60s) is an alcoholic who drives drunk. Her family has not taken her keys. I think this is insane. My husband is struggling with this all from hundreds of miles away and does not agree with my forcefulness on the seriousness of this. How do I best support him?My(f, 28) MIL (f, 60s) lives a few towns away. She went out drinking with friends a lot pre-pandemic. She nearly always will drive after drinking. She works with children and lives blocks from a school. About a year ago, she nearly died after falling down drunk in public, she'd come out of a shop very drunk and screaming anti-mask related things. My husband (m, 29) went home for a month (he had no choice but to work during the worst of the pandemic; his job could not be done remotely) and I insisted he physically drive her car back to us so she would not even have the option of driving. About a month later, his dad (m,60s) insisted all was good and he should bring the car back. Reader: it was not all good.I cannot live with knowing that she is drinking and driving. I’ve asked multiple times for him to insist his dad take the keys. That hasn’t happened. My husband is at a loss and feels he “can’t force them to do anything” from this far away. He told me last night that he does not feel supported by me when I want to talk about live in rehab and the driving. I am very focused on how much worse things can get and that preventative action must be taken. I want to support him, but feel that his family is too afraid of confrontation for this to ever improve. If this was my mom, I’d have already called the cops to pull her over leaving work and I’d be demanding she be in live in rehab by Friday.I’m terrified my MIL is going to die or worse — she’ll kill someone else. How can I be a good partner to a husband who's mom is having major issues while this is all unfolding?
View related questions:
alcoholic, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2022): Look, I can imagine how you feel, but you can't control the world.
Even if you could get someone to get her keys off her and force her into rehab, there will still be lots of people behind a wheel under the influence of drink or drugs, driving with no insurance, perhaps never having driven before, speeding down the highway.
If your husband's family don't want to step in then they don't. You can't make them. You need to accept that the world doesn't necessarily dance to your tune. Yes, I'm sure your way of looking at this matter is the sensible one, but that doesn't make it doable.
If someone is forced into rehab, it rarely works. People have to WANT to change, otherwise they won't. I suggest that you stop trying to tell everyone what to do and accept this situation.
If you must interfere, then ask your husband about what you CAN do from your distance, that he would be happy to do.
There is some dynamic going on in this family that you've not experienced. My father died when I was in my late forties, but I would never have challenged him over ANYTHING. It is a precedent set in young years and it rarely changes. It's too uncomfortable. Your husband feels this discomfort when you try to get him to behave in a way towards his mother that he never has before.
How do you support your husband in this matter? By talking to him about it if he wants to talk, but don't try to press him to do things he doesn't want to. Ask him how he would feel if you informed the police in your MIL's state and see if they would pick her up after work and breathalyse her.
You can't force someone into rehab however, certainly not when you're the only one willing to raise an intervention.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2022): Your MIL is NOT your responsability.
I know you mean well, but you must understand that you are also being pushy.
Dealing with addicts is hard to impossible, especially when people close to them are enabling them. You did all you could do - you called all of the out.
You should always have your own opinion, share it when it is appropriate but you should not be pushy.
I guess that by now everyone knows your oppinion - you want your MIL to stop driving. There. You said it multiple times. Now stop being emotional.
Yes, she might die.
Yes, she might kill someone.
But that was ALWAYS a possibility.
You should always tell your husband how much you love him and how much you care about his family.
I also feel that what triggers you is your husband's need to vent. He talks and complains and then does nothing. And you explode! You know what should be done, but nobody does it. It is easier for you. It is not your mom. He grew up with her. Read up on kids of alcoholics, maybe you'll find something useful when it comes to understanding your husband.
If you're tired of your husband's venting, tell him so in a loving way. Tell him you know how hard this all is, but that he knows where you stand. Ask him how he would like to be supported? Don't be surprized if he can't easily define it. Maybe he too will be surprized to learn how unreasonable he's being when it comes to his mother's alcoholism, when he realizes that he asks of you to shut up and just go along liek everybody else.
The perfect solution would be if she were to be pulled over and arrested for DUI. Then not only she but her family as well would have to face the problem.
Don't forget that sixties are the new forties. You all have a long road ahead of you with dealing with this.
...............................
|
