A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I desperately need some advice, please please help me.My sister is mentally ill. Has been for over a decade. Her mental illness, which my parents have, till this day, chosen not to acknowledge, has destroyed my family. For the past decade, I've never had a proper relationship with my parents. I don't have that support, I can't enjoy things with them, spend time with them or confide in them. Everyday I feel hurt that my sister has stolen that from me.My sister is an undiagnosed bipolar. No, she'd never bother to seek help for herself and actually HEAR a diagnosis but I know that's what's wrong. Violent rages, excessive mood swings, for no reason, ranging from hypomania to suicidal depression and despair. Oh, and for a decade she's also struggled with an eating disorder, just in case having one mental illness was too easy, there's 2 thrown in. She's been perscribed anti-depressants by her GP many times but refuses to take them in case she gains weight. She'll book a holiday away, realise she's gained a kilogram so my parents book and pay for an early flight home. They've done this around 10 times in the past decade. They've supported her through nasty breakups where she's of course pursued men that aren't far from the gutter, she's stolen my parents' money, destroyed their belongings. She has crashed their cars, she's never contributed a dollar to living costs, all the while, she controls and manipulates everything that happens in that house.After being the outlet for her frustrations for many years and my parents actually going along with it, blaming me for the fact I must've "provoked" her outburst by looking at her.. I left and moved on with my life and I did well for 3 months. I always felt guilty though that I'd cut my family out of my life and so I tried to make an effort to put the past behind us and attempt to have some kind of relationship. They never made any effort to contact me, even after it all, I went back to them and made peace. Even writing it I feel like an idiot.Anyway, it's been a couple of years now. Unfortunately, even though I no longer live there, I can't help but become emotionally involved. My dad's a chain smoker in his mid 60's. Odds are he only has a few years left and at this rate, he'll be spending them living in the equivelant of a prison, run by his daughter, the warden.I bought Breaking Bad around. Wanted to watch it with my dad. My parents had never seen it and I wanted to watch them enjoy something, since they have so little pleasure in life. When I walked in the door with the DVD, my sister, who I talk civally to, gave me the look of death, as in, how DARE I come into HER home and do what I want?!She spent the entire night running me down in her own subtle, spiteful way. She told my parents to turn the volume down so low, we struggled to hear anything. She blamed her daily insomnia on the TV being too loud (in actual fact, it's a symptom of her mental illness). My parents did everything she said, they turned it down to a near-mute and even that wasn't enough. She then made them turn off the TV altogether and I was walked to the door.It's a minor thing in comparison to the PHYSICAL and years of mental abuse I've suffered from her but to have put everything in the past as I have and attempted to have some kind of a relationship and spend time with my parents, it's just really upset me this time.My parents are completely beaten into submission. They'll do whatever she asks for. They tell me the alternative (violent rages, where they've had to physically hold her down) is too much to handle and it's easier to comply. I've even written up a tenancy contract to try and help them get her moved out or at least agree to some conditions of living there. I've been to see psychologists for advice when I lived there. I've done so much research online. They won't listen to me. When I go there to see them I have to whisper because she's in bed by 8pm (really listening through the door). When I call them, they have to talk in code language because she's listening through the wall. When I write them emails, they delete them because she reads them and their texts.What can I do? As long as my parents are in my life AT ALL, I want to try and help them have some quality of life and I can't help but be stuck in this role as a helper. But in reality, I'm helpless, powerless against her. Should I just wipe my family completely? It it just hurting me too much to see the control she has over my parents, the money she's taken from them, leaving them nearly broke. I just can't do it anymore. I don't think I can have them a part of my life at all. It just hurts too much. And no matter what, they will protect her. During an outburst, they'll protect her and turn on me to calm her down.What do I do?My life is better and healthier without my family in it but do I let my sister WIN? Do I let her take any relationship I could've had away from me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): OP here,
Thank you last poster. I appreciate your kind words. Your advice has been very helpful & I think you're right about leaving them behind for good this time. Five days since I said what I wanted to say to them, that I wasn't taking it anymore. I never heard from them again. If I never contact them again, I don't think I ever will. I always end up going back because they're my parents but I have noticed the pattern this time. Always me going back, always me making the effort. They sit there & do nothing. Thank you for taking the time to write :) It helps to know that my feelings are justified here.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): Hi OP,I really just wanted to express my anger and frustration at reading of the unfairness of your situation.In a family situation the child is born innocent and needs to be cared for and protected. How dare they use you as a scapegoat! They were meant to be caring for you as their daughter and providing you with all of the love and support that you needed and deserved. It is an immense credit to you that you have grown into such a mature, considered and level-headed woman.If you cut ties with your parents at this point it will be their loss and not yours’. You have given them every chance and more. They have not acted as parents or role models to you, and frankly- not even to your sister. She needed help and medication where they simply enabled her and used blaming you as a pacifier for her. Their behaviour is beyond cruel towards you as their own daughter. You deserve your own chance at a life and to enjoy safety and security and happiness. There is no guilt to be had in walking away from such targeted and remorseless hurt. You have endured decades of emotional suffering at their hands. You more than deserve the chance to be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2014): To the last poster, If you were unable to discuss a huge issue that had damaged your entire family, for 10 years, wouldn't you be resentful? And because I'm opening up about it on here, does that make me obsessed with her? I'm just trying to work through my feelings and the advice people have given me has been wonderfully helpful. I thought that's what this site was for.I said "WIN", which was probably a poor choice of words but I was more thinking from her perspective. That's how she sees it. She wants me to stay away. My being there diverts attention from her. It's a possessive and controlling trait that I guess she exhibits because of the illness.It's not a competition. Never was. She's always needed more care, love and support because of her issues and I'd never argue that. I'm not upset because I don't get attention but that's how you've taken my post I suppose and I think probably how my parents would perceive it as too. I do think that I deserve a relationship with them and quality time with them. Even just a little bit. I think any daughter/son deserves that much..?You bet I'm resentful. Remember I've spent many years worrying and caring about my sister. If I saw, even a glimmer, of a nice person underneath the illness, maybe I'd feel differently, but for years it's just been one selfish act after another and with all the reading I've done, trying to understand her suffering, she has put not even a minute's time into trying to help herself. She takes from everyone who cares about her and uses her illness as a crutch - THAT makes me resentful. We're all responsible for battling through our issues and helping ourselves in life. It's not fair to constantly use and take from people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): Should sister's really be talking about WINNING? for me, this has changed your post and only tells me how angry and bitter you are about your sister. Even if you have good reason,you still hold so much resentment. It sounds like the whole family is dysfunctional, your sister, parents,and you. You could probably do well seeking therapy for yourself and stay away from the dysfunctional environment. Why not invite only your parents to your place.
You sound like you also have issues because of your obsession about your sister.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): OP here,
So grateful, but also saddened, to read of what you've also suffered through.
I have made an effort to have some kind of relationship with my parents since I brought them back into my life 3 years ago because I told myself it was wrong to stay resentful, that it'd only damage my own health. But I've always felt, without ANY discussion or ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of what happened, that it was all swept under the carpet & maybe they felt JUSTIFIED in what they did. My NEW relationship with them has been wierd, strained & phony. It's never felt real to me because we NEVER talk about what happened in the past.
I'm angry too because most of what we talk about these days is my sister. They moan to me ALL the time, complain that they're helpless & they want her to move out but they're afraid if they kick her out, she'll kill herself. So I step in & try & help them, providing advice, which gets thrown back in my face & my efforts are wasted. Fortunately, at times, hearing about how she's still terrorising them DOES reaffirm that I am & never WAS the problem, as they always made out. But it also cost me a fortune in therapy to hear that repeatedly, which I still never fully believed.
Two nights ago was the first time I had a frank discussion with them, bought about by the fact that my sister's possessive nature, as always, ruined the time I was trying to spend with them enjoying something.
They laid a 1.5 hour guilt trip on me after I said what I'd wanted to say. Asked me if my HEALTH was ok?! Now, if that's encouraging me to turn it all in on myself, I don't know what is! I sat there thinking maybe I'd lost the plot. They straight out DENIED or had "no recollection" of some of the worst, most spiteful things they said to me, which broke my heart at the time.. things I sure wish I could shake from MY memory. At least my partner was present during a lot of what happened, so he can remind me, yes, those things were said, he was there!
When they kicked me out of home, for no reason, just because my presence seemed to anger my sister, I left & only came back to grab more things. They were all there when I came back. I thought if they loved me they'd come to my room & ask me to stay, say sorry. All I heard was my sister.. "Is SHE BACK?" Everyone ignored me. Two nights ago though, my dad said it was MY fault because I could've gone to them & told them, "I learned my lessons, can I come back home?" What lessons??
I guess now I regret making an effort these past few years when beneath the smalltalk, they hold no regrets over anything that happened, making me the scapegoat & the outlet. I spoke up two nights ago & they just played the sympathy card, "Do you know how hard all this has been on us? What we have to suffer through?" They have never even googled mental disorders. They never wanted to acknowledge it far less fix it & as a result, I grew up with a lock on my door for my own safety, recurring nightmares of my sister killing me & spending most days collapsing into tears. I talk about things for one night & they made me feel like I'd killed someone.
I think you're right Chigirl. I think it's better to cut some people out of your life completely & as an adult, you have the choice to do that. You're not stuck suffering under anyone anymore. That's good advice.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 November 2014):
 I think someone jumped the gun there and read a lot more into what I was writing than what actually stood there. Being mentally well IS a blessing, it's not something I say to judge. Nor did I say one is not allowed to feel anger or be upset by mentally ill relatives. I don't think being mentally ill gives people any excuse to behave the way they do and ruin peoples lives. For those who dont know me and my background, my father is bipolar and possibly autistic (got no clear diagnosis on the autism part). My brother suffered depression for years and was suicidal. He can still find it in him to say extremely hurtful things. I wont explain any more about my dad, because it appears most on this thread know full well how a bipolar person is.
Growing up I was also placed with all the responsibility. And when I got fed up with my brother for things he said, my mom sided with him just because he was ill, so I should suck it up and not be angry at him or even be allowed to complain about it. I know that's not healthy, of course you're allowed to feel anger and resentment.
Reading your follow-up, I think the best thing for yourself, and everyone else right now, would be to be OPEN about the situation. Your parents aren't quite well to think you should suffer through it with them, but to me that just speaks of how much they are suffering... So much they can't see straight. Maybe they are jealous of you, who were able to get away. Just like I was angry with my mom, and still am on some levels, that she left my dad, but me and my little brother were left behind to struggle in the SAME BATTLES that she chose to leave. She removed herself from the situation, but we, the children, were not removed from that situation, and yes, I do resent her for that. Right or wrong, it was a selfish thing of her to do. As adults, however, we get to decide who we want to have in our lives. As children we are forced to stay.
Your parents are not forced to stay. You are not forced to stay. But mental illness is such a taboo, that they probably feel trapped with your sister because they are unable to talk about it, and unable to acknowledge her illness.
For me, with my dad, it came to a point where it was either keeping his secrets and ruin myself, or tell the world what was going on and keep my sanity. He would not like it if he knew about me telling everyone the truth about him, but I do. I don't want to fake it, or lie, or make pretense. I am honest about his illness with everyone. His illness affects me and the rest of the family to such a degree, that he does not get to keep it a secret. He does not get to drag us down with him. So I am open. I talk about it. I share. TALKING HELPS.
Talk to the rest of your family, whether your parents want you to or not. Be open. Share what is going on. NO MORE SECRETS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): Hi. I know how you feel . My boyfriend has Bipolar Disorder. I have been with him for three years now. It has been a rollercoaster, and is very draining sometimes. I have heard that medication and counselling helps. My boyfriend doesn't have medication or counselling at the moment, so there have been a lot of ups and downs. It hurts because I really want to move in with him, but I'm scared to, because I don't know if it would work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): I experienced the same in my family, Bipolar dad, anger issues and depression in my sister and a depressed mum, I was the only one who was 'mentally healthy' and it almost destroyed me. I was the one keeping everyone together, and I was told as much at 11, so much pressure so young. My dad wasn't diagnosed until I was in my twenties. It's only 5 years ago I was able to find someone to talk to professionally who didn't treat me like I was lucky, or like I was a broken child. I'm an adult, I suffered through it, and I came out of it, it's still difficult but I can cope and I hated the almost condescension I'd sometimes get.Maybe it's time to write your parents a letter explaining you can't do it any more, that you love them but if they loved you they wouldn't ask you to "suffer with them".Sometimes it's best to leave your family behind, sometimes it's all you can do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): OP here..
Wow! Thank you UK Poster. I am so grateful you took the time to post that. You are right, through your own research you soon realise there's limited resources. I have spent a fortune on therapy over the years to try & deal with the rollercoaster of emotions you suffer through as a sibling of a mentally ill person. It costs me a fortune, just to hear that there was nothing wrong with me (often, I questioned there may have been because I was always the outlet), that I needed to get out of the house & that a sibling has higher expectations set on them & they're expected to be the perfect, fault-free daughter/son to compensate for the other.
And it's horrible not being able to talk to people about it. For years it's been a sick family secret & as part of the family, I've forever taken responsibility for it by trying to be the 'helper'. My parents have refused my help & research all the way. Still, I can never dettach & watch all the damage happen & not try to do something. I used to tell my therapist I felt like moving out was jumping off a sinking, burning ship & my family would just go down with it if I couldn't help.
I actually did have a heated discussion with my parents last night. For the first time since we made peace, I brought some things up, in an assertive, diplomatic way. I chose my words carefully. It didn't go well. They both turned on me, defended my sister's every action & gave her a free pass because of her "eating disorder" - the only illness they'll actually admit to her having since it caused physical effects everyone could see.
They were vicious, especially my mother, & spent two hours laying a guilt trip on me for ever opening my mouth about the hurt I went through & how I should feel sorry for my sister & her struggles. They made me feel like the most heartless, horrible person on earth & by the time I'd left I'd already apologised for everything I said - so back to square one - the outlet once again. It did no good, even though I knew I was right. I apologised because I wanted to calm the situation. I no longer feel empathy for my sister. That might sound selfish, but after a decade, I only feel sympathy now for my parents - even THAT is wasted on them.
My dad said to me, "If you loved us enough, you would suffer along with us." That has been circling my head all day. What kind of a twisted mentality is that? That's how they honestly feel.
Anyway, I'm so sorry to hear you have been through this with TWO siblings. I'm amazed you've come through it! Double the stress, double the pressure? And you would've turned it all in on yourself many times, I'm sure.
The truth is, a mentally ill person living in a family makes it a sick, toxic family dynamic. There's little help for family members out there. We all have to live with that person's illness, ride the rollercoaster of extreme emotions & defend ourselves against the violent rages. All the while, we're expected to be trying to help that person, understand that person, calm that person, when no one is supporting us?! And when we take the time to deal with our own emotions, we're accused of being selfish.
It's really such a truly complex situation & when a family's been through it, I think it changes everyone forever. My parents are shadows of who they once were.
Thank you for your wonderful advice. It was just a comfort to know someone else has experienced something like this & can truly understand it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): Sorry, but I don't agree with Chigirl, whose answers I usually respect very much.I know what it's like to grow up with and live with not just one but two sisters - older and younger - like this and I know exactly how manipulative mentally ill people can become.The central problem here is your parents' inability to set and maintain boundaries with your sister. She has effectively become the 'parent' in the household and they are the children. This kind of role reversal is not at all uncommon with ill people (not mentally ill, just ill) who become very controlling, and it is also common amongst mentally ill people too.The next key problem is that your sisters' complex set of mental illnesses have not been sufficiently diagnosed to allow her, you or your parents to know how to best cope with her condition(s), even if boundaries were set properly this would still be the remaining problem. Mental illness in women is, I think, very complex and I have spent a great many years figuring this out relative to my own sister, but I am not a professional and do not know your own family's situation. What I do know is that professional help for mental illness - unless privately funded - is pretty appalling overall, and there is even more taboo surrounding it when a woman is involved. The final key problem is that there is pretty much NIL support for family's of mentally ill people - in the UK social services and mental health care providers give pretty much NO consideration to how mental illness can affects siblings who have to grow up with them. The complexity of emotions that you can go through with a mentally ill, violent and unpredictable sister or sister(s) is something that no-one can understand until they've spent years of their life going through it. No one has the right to judge you for feeling pissed off with your sister or to say that you've "won" life and she's lost her chance - this is far too simple a judgement to pass and a massive guilt trip to lay on someone. Mentally ill people can be massively needy and draining where violence and unpredictability is thrown in - and the drain is there because the right kind of governmental support is just not in place to help any of us to really understand how mental illness works. To grow up with this is extremely confusing - I spent and have spent a huge, absolutely hue amount of my life experiencing enormous guilt, self doubt, lack of confidence, low self worth, loneliness and social anxiety, because I grew up both bright and ostracised due to my sisters' mental illness. I grew up feeling like I was nothing and must give EVERYTHING to other people, because of the huge guilt I felt inside that somehow I was NOT mentally ill and my sisters were. It got so bad that when I was 18 I was suicidal and now that I'm 46 and have never, not once, had a stable and loving sister to turn to for help, and only the torture of trying to stop feeling guilty enough to live my own life, I know for sure that I would not wish that on anyone. So ChiGirl, on this particular issue the OP has not won anything at all.OP I really think the best thing you can do in this situation is create more distance from your family and get counselling to help you to understand more about your own feelings on this one. There simply is not enough structural support worldwide about mental illness for you to be able to ever resolve this alone. The best thing you can do is to find ways to come to terms with your family's limitations and adjust your own expectations - this takes time and professional input from a counsellor. I do think that a lot of the feelings you have are like normal sibling rivalry , but are being complexified because your parents aren't responding in ways that would help - they are making allowances due to your sisters' illness and this is complicating your self esteem issues. But they won't change - the best you can do is get counselling and learn to find more effective ways of coming to terms with your feelings and moving on - only you can do this in your own way.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 October 2014):
 Being kind of familiar with bipolar folks, i can tell you with certainty that your sister can be helped with medication. However, she will NEVER admit to being ill because she can't(it's part of the illness) Plus, it is not a win/loose thing going on in her mind. it's just that her brain doesn't see things in a calm logical manner like yous does. Things come into her brain as confusion and chaos. No processing can occur in the chaos of images and words that make little or no sense. You need to be patient and understanding as opposed to resentful for what she is stealig from you. Her life is chaotic, yours is peaceful by comparison. Be happy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 October 2014):
Sorry that this will be a short reply, unfortunately I do not have time to write more. But I wanted to say that you sister has not won. You have. You have the chance and opportunity to make something of yourself, connect with another person and build a stable and secure home with children of your own. You sister can not do that, and will never have that. Your sister will always live life as she does now, and when your parents die, then she will be all alone, without anyone at all.
You may not be able to "win" your parents, but you have "won" the rest of the world, and you have "won" a life. Your sister "won" a mental illness. You know which one of the two of you are the real winner here. Life is unfair, and your sister is suffering with an illness she did not choose for herself. Yes, it could have been handled differently, but it's not. It is what it is. You tried. You did what you could do. When people will not allow you to help them, then you can not help them. But you CAN help yourself.
Remember, in the "lottery" of life, you won.
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