A
female
age
51-59,
*anta
writes:Dear Readers, Hello again and thank-you for your past advice. It has been a while, but I find that I am back here again despite my daughter seeing a Child Psychologist, myself seeing one and also going to Family Therapy all to no avail.If anything I have learnt to be more assertive and my Mum and my Sister do not abuse me as much as before. They know that I won't put up with it.The current problem is still my daughter who is now 12 years of age.She refuses to see the Child Psychologist again and I have been told by the Psychologist that there is not point in forcing her to go as is she is not willing to discuss what is upsetting her then it is a waste of time. I continue to walk on egg-shells with her despite everything I try to do to including wearing the adult hat. I do not smack her, I never have and I believe that this would only exacerbate her current behaviour towards me.She continues to disrespect me despite the fact that my Mother and Sister behaviour towards my has improved somewhat. Her behaviour has still not improved. My daughter has agreed that she wouldn't speak to my Sister or my Mother as she does to me and says she is sorry and she won't do it again and it lasts for a day or so and then she is back to abusing me again.For example: And please tell me readers whether you believe that I should have to put up with this after I have tried so hard to do the very best for her.She tells me to shut-up and when I try to speak to her she says that she is sick to death of my questions and hearing my voice. I am merely trying to make conversation with her. I then don't say anything and when she tries to ask me something when she gets an answer she quickly afterwards says okay be quiet don't talk to me. She rubbishes the meals I make her and says this is disgusting. Don't you know how to cook. Tells me to go to my room if I sing or dance to a tune on the radio and tells me that my sister's boyfriend doesn't like me and neither does she.She says she is like this as her Dad was nasty to her on the weekend, however she is like this towards me regardless and her Dad says she doesn't respect me when all he has done over the last 8 years is put me down to her and rubbished me. I have decided that her Father is not healthy for her to be around and up until last week she did not agree with me until yesterday. I don't like to say this but she is very similiar in her temperament as her Father and can be very verbally cruel.I don't want to put up with any more abuse from anyone in my life anymore.My mother has even said to me as of late that she doesn't like the way my daughter speaks to me and that I only have one life. I am 41 years of age and have struggled so much to survive and have had to get Violence Restraining Orders against two ex's so far due to them not respecting the fact that I have changed and no longer wish to associate with them. For three years I have focused on my daughter and not had one man in my life and tried to build some bridges. This has not made things better and I am wondering for how much longer do I have to try to be the good mother and keep trying to be there for my daughter despite the fact that my mental health is steadily declining. My sister recommended that I take her over to her place to stay when she is abusive towards me. My daughter doesn't want to go though. I suffer with Major Depression, Anxiety, Post traumatic stress from my abusive childhood and am currently trying to rid myself of all abusive people from my past and have been trying to make some kind of life for myself and my daughter, but still get abused no matter what I do. I am studying at Uni Part time and find that it is increasingly difficult to remain on board and feel like I'm going to have to defer and that I am on the verge of a breakdown as there doesn't seem to be a way out.Please help. What should or can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Dear Lady,I am very sorry for the situation that you are facing. But i feel with the kind of experiments you did to your life, this is what was expected to happen. Now you are about to loose your daughter also and for most part you have lost. restricting DAD to her daughter will be only be last nail. It will not help. Negativity does not solve the negativity. Revenge does not solve the problems. If you stop caring completely to your daughter, only thing that will happen that she will go to her DAD and you loose her.And you can no longer be a mother again it is nearly certain and you know also.New men will be hard to find any way who are truly committed to you. So i feel you need an introspection on why you can maintain a relationship with any one.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 April 2010):
 I don't know what your financial situation is but your daughter is dependent on you somehow. She would be someone I want to send to a behavioral modifying bootcamp. She has to earn her privileges to have access to food, clothing, and free time. She wants to be independent. Don't give it to her until she respects you. If she acts like a child, treat her like a child with rewards and punishments. She doesn't like the food you cook, she gets nothing to eat or she has to learn how to cook herself. She is too young to understand concepts such as pain, suffering and being responsible in society and she is still your child. You have a lot going on in your life but you have to make room because she is part of you. "I suffer with Major Depression, Anxiety, Post traumatic stress from my abusive childhood"You are the one who has to stand up for yourself. Don't blame it on the cycle, or fate. If you are noticing you seem to repeat patterns over and over again and you are on the verge of break down, your psyche is telling you now is the time to stop this cycle by taking charge. Give no tolerance to abuse. Abusive people are ones who act like 3 year olds who never grow up. They think they could manipulate people to do things for them by yelling, screaming, throwing tantrums. Help your 12 year old grow up, or else she would be stuck on that level and treat her boyfriends the same way, abuse her kids, etc. We don't need more abusive people in society.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (6 April 2010):
Well you seem to be trying to please everyone else and neglexting yourself. Your daughter is also going through the highest emtional development period of her life and her behaviour does not sound so starnge to me. Many of them are like that from 12-????? years wheneever?
You seem to be trying far to hard. Remenber there is your time as well, if she continues like this then tell her to go and live with her father as you will not put up with this anymore. The bad news is they can still be first class shits at 24 ours is!
You should stand back and realise whta you want from life and sod the rest of them. Take stock of where you are you are doing just fine thses tantrums will pass - trust me!!
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