A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:First of all, I have to give some background information on myself. I am 44 years old and have had mental problems all my life. My father was an extremely abusive person and I grew up either being beaten, or watching him beat my mother. I developed nervous tics, had trouble with being violent toward my schoolmates and the school property itself, etc...I grew up to be just like him. Not nearly as bad physically, but the verbal and mental abuse was probably worse. I've been married 3 times.The first lasted 15 years and produced two children whom I love dearly. The second was a woman I met online and married after one month. Not surprisingly, it didn't work out. In fact, she had been in one abusive relationship after another and ours was no different. I found myself in jail (charges were dropped) and ultimately tried to kill myself. I do not want sympathy, nor do I make excuses for my actions. I did what I did, and I accept it. However, it's a very hard thing being what you hate. At some point, I made the decision never to harm anyone else ever again. Whenever my anger got the best of me, I resorted to self harm and it worked. After the second marriage ended, I decided what I'm sure many of you reading this are thinking: I should never be in another relationship. I was ok with that. I really through myself into therapy and gradually learned alternate ways of resolving anger that didn't include violence. I did it for me, not for anyone else. I still knew that I would be alone the rest of my life, but I was happy knowing that I was finally battling my personal demons.Enter wife #3. First of all, she's someone I've known a long time. I saw her online one day and messaged her just to say hello. She called me and asked if I wanted to go riding around the lake later on that evening. I went, but explained to her I couldn't be in another relationship, and the reasons why. I was brutally honest, which I've learned is the only way to be.She didn't care about my past. She said she would try to drag me out of my shell and back into real life. After a couple of years, we got married. We've been married almost 5 years now and I'm happy to say we handle things the proper way, without all the yelling and especially NO VIOLENCE WHATSOEVER.Now, for the problem.I take a lot of meds. It's part of what has gotten me to where I am today. I worked hard to get this far, and I'll be damned if I will go back now. Unfortunately, the meds have the side effect of totally killing my libido to the point that we only have sex every 2 or 3 months. I also have problems knowing the proper thing to say or do in certain situations. Things that are obvious to most of you are lost to me. I do love her, and she loves me, but it's often hard for her to see my love, because I have trouble knowing how to show it. Sad to say, but my meds have left me a bit zombified. In a recent conversation, she said she often feels like we're room mates instead of husband and wife. This has really bothered me. Of course, it breaks my heart to think I'm losing her, I love her with all my heart. On the other hand, I want her to be happy, even if it means letting her go. I've talked with her about this, and she gets exasperated and says I'm missing the point. I probably am, but I really can't help it. I have no friends in real life, and haven't had any for about 10 years or so. I have no one to discuss this with, so I found this site and thought I'd give it a try. Comments, criticisms, advice...all are welcome.Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry it turned into a Tolstoy, but there's a lot of variables here, so I felt the need to reveal who, and why, I am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you C. Grant. I agree, communication is the key. It's also been the key to overcoming anger. I say what's bothering me instead of letting it build up. I've been on meds for the better part of 20 years and I always give permission for my wife to talk to my doctor if she wants to.
eyeswideopen, I've discussed this with my doctor several times. We've tried varying dosages and adding some meds that help, but the changes have been minimal. I've been doing what my therapist told me long ago "fake it till you make it". Not fake it as in faking my love for her, that's genuine. Faking it as in doing things that I know I need to do even if I don't understand. I have a hard time being in crowds, but after I posted this morning, I made myself go shopping for a valentine's gift for her. It's not that I'm cheap, or heartless, I just don't get things like that. Anyway, I finally picked out something for her and took it to her. She seemed very happy and almost had tears in her eyes because I'm not known for gift giving at special occasions. To me it makes more sense jut to buy what you want when you can, instead of waiting for a special occasion. Sometimes I suspect I might have a touch of Asperger's, since I've always been a little "off" socially.
A
female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (14 February 2011):
Granted, I think the medication has a little to do with it but honestly, meds or no meds, every relationship can hit that point. I just had a friend split with her spouse and it was the same reasoning. They grew apart over the years and they were friends but not in love anymore.You need to talk to your wife and she needs to tell you what she needs from you and you need to do what she asks. Marriage is hard no matter which way you look at it and it does become stale after awhile. As far as the meds go, is it just loss of interest in sex or the inability to perform? Ask your doctor about similar meds that you are taking that might not have such an impact on your libido.Good luck and I commend you for working so hard to be the person you want to be!
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 I applaud you for all the work you've done to change things in your life and behaviour. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to get to where you are today. The gal you're married to sounds like she has a heart of gold.
The big plus you have going on here is that you're communicating. That is crucial.
I don't know how long you've been on your current medication regimen or how regularly you and your doctor review it. You should share your concerns with him, and see if you can identify the particular meds that are likely the problem and experiment with either alternatives or reduced dosages. Keep your wife in the loop about what's going on so that she can understand if your behaviour changes; give your doctor permission to discuss your case with your wife so that she can report to him if the changes aren't working well.
You may find that you've learned enough behaviour modification through the process you've followed that you could now thrive with less medication.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Hi thereFirst of all, props to you for being so honest about your problems. It's only when we stop making excuses and see where we have responsibility that we can move forwards. I think you and your partner can solve this problem (though it may take a while) because you have self-knowledge and the ability to analyze your reactions. A couple of ideas:First of all, recognize that your problems with your libido do not prevent your wife from having needs. But here's the good news - they don't prevent you from fulfilling those needs either. There are many kinds of sex and many kinds of sexual pleasure. In the immediate future, try using the situation to your advantage to focus on her pleasure alone. Explore new kinds of sex, using oral and manual techniques and toys. It doesn't have to be kinky if your wifedoesn't like that kind of thing - it can be every bit as romantic. Learn how to send her completely over the edge without penetration. Trust me, you won't regret it when the time comes for you to receive!Secondly, consider a long term strategy that sees you reducing your medication safely so that your libido improves. This may mean commiting to a course of cognitive behavioural therapy, during which you will learn to manage your anger and anxiety, and learn new ways of coping. It will not be quick, and it will not be easy - because it involves relearning your most deep-seated responses to situations. But isn't your wife, and your romantic future, worth that effort, time, and money? Wouldn't it be better to try to change this situation instead of merely accepting it? I know it might sound impossible, but with commitment, dedication, and a good therapist, you might find you need far less medication than you are currently using. I think your wife wants to see you fight for her, and I think a little bit of willing and effort on your part might give her tremendous amounts of hope. Don't think for a second that I'm belittling the task that's in front of you. It's not a small deal! But with support and effort, you CAN do this. You have already beaten the violence, the yelling, and the emotional abuse - that tells me everything I need to know about how strong and amazing you are as a person. You just need some self-belief and a cheer squad and to keep putting one foot in front of the other on that road to recovery. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Have you discussed your meds and the effects on your sex drive with your doctor? Did he says that there is nothing to be done?
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