A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Please forgive me if this is long winded, but i'll try to cut it down as much as I can. (not used their real names, but its easier to understand)My friend Nikki (not anymore) told me last week, that she wanted to be with Dave, who i was seeing, She had actually introduced us. Nikki's ex is Ian, who is best friends with Dave, and Daves ex Sue is best friends with Nikki.He (Dave) and I really hit it off, he works away during the week, and on weekends he comes home, Nikki told me one day, that if Dave comes home, he has to stay at hers, as she is not prepared to lie to Sue if she is questioned, I said fair enough, I dont want Sue to feel hurt, as altho its been 3 months that they've been apart, I understood, and Dave dont want to upset Sue, if it can be avoided, as although it was a mutual split, she was finding it difficult. So I was ok with it.Anyway, long story short, I was round at Nikki's last sunday, and Dave had just been down, and he was saying some strange stuff, like, "I made some mistakes in my last relationship and I dont really dont want to make the same again", and "I dont want to hurt you, because i'm not ready to committ yet, I dont want much time, but can you give me time?", I said, "yeah, of course I can", he said "thankyou", gave me a kiss and said, "it wont take me long, I just need to get my head straight, before you know it, i'll be around so much demanding my dinner you'll get sick of me".That was the friday,...... Now back to Nikki's on Sunday. We were cooking dinner, and she said, "I want Dave, I've asked my daughter and she wants Dave here too, you know he asked me down that alley way 6 months ago", I interrupted, "he was joking"! she said, "He is only with you, because he doesn't know i'm available, he wants to be with me". Because they are friends and I know they speak during the week, i wasn't sure whether this was the reasoning behind Daves request about space on the Friday, but I just asked her, how long she had felt this way, and that if she had told me that she liked him, I would never have started a relationship, as friends don't shit on mates like that!!!! (hoping she'd get the message) she said, "well, I dint want upset Sue, and now you, but that is my problem, i sacrifice my wants for the sake of others"(!!!!!!!) By this time my chin is on the floor, she continues to tell me bout the way shes liked him for last 7 months or so, how he makes her feel when she's around him, I just raised my voice, asking, "why did you introduce us, incouraging us to get together if you wanted him, I dont understand whats gong through your mind"....... shrugging, and admittedly quite sheepishly responded......."I didn't want to be rebound girl".....At this point I told her I was leaving, I was in so much shock, I couldn't think what to do, let alone say.As i put my shoes on, and hugged her daughter, she said she was gonna call him later to discuss their feelings for each other, I said, no i'll call him first, coz I think I have the right to know whats happening, she said ok, let me know if he wants me, and I swear her body language was all excited like a 15 year old!!I called him, told him I was sorry, that I know he wanted time to get his head straight, but it was either me telling him all the above, or her calling to declare her intentions, he thanked me, said he appreciated the heads up, but after 9 years of friendship with her, he needed to speak to her, which he did, he told her it was never gonna happen, the implications etc and that at this moment, he dont want anyone......she asked about the future, he said no Nikki, it aint gonna happen, (this is what he told me when he called me after he spoken to her)He told me that he had been with me cause he wanted to be, and not because he didn't know she was wanting him, and that all this has shocked and pissed him off quite honestly, that he didn't need friends falling out over him, I explained that I wasn't falling out with her over him, that he is innocent, and she has shown colours that i dont like, and I couldn't trust her, and that is what has done it. He told me she was upset that he would no longer be staying at hers when he came home, and he said how can i, she said she knows it aint gonna happen and therefore they could just be friends, but he didnt say what he planned to do in future, and i didn't ask.I told him I wasn't happy, i said, she tells you she can't lie to Sue about you staying there, but she'd happily shag ya, and why did he feel the need the cool it between us, when it weren't even simmering, he said nikki had told him that i was getting upset bout him calling her, and that i was making future plans for us and getting giddy for him. (none of them true) I told him, that thanks to her manipulation, she has instrumented this whole thing, to make sure she wasn't rebound girl, and now all the fantastic stuff between us was never gonna happen again............he raised his voice, saying woah woah woah, who said it wasn't gonna happen, I just want some time out.So on to the question i have, all this happened a week ago today, I've not heard from him since the phone call, where I was a little short with him, when told him that if he went with her, he wouldn't have to worry bout hurting me as i'd lose all the respect I for him for shaggin his best mates ex, and his ex's best mate, as he would disgust me, that they both would, he did snap back and said that he dont want her and if he did he is man enough to say so, and no ones opinion would matter to him, I said, if you stay there she'll ply you with wine, and then she'd come onto you and your testosterone would take over, he said, "yes all men can think with their cock, but I can say no, and I would", but although all that was said, we did continue with the phone conversation for another half hour, and no more was said, just that i'd talk to him soon, and to get himself sorted soon.I've had a few texts from her, which were supposedly for someone else, sent to the wrong person (dont believe that personally) and i've not rang or texted him....because he wanted time out and I want him to know I respect his decisions, he obviously does want time out, as he didn't come home on weekend... However, I'm not sure that she hasn't had contact with him............So i need to ask you guys, should i make contact with him, not call, but send a text, or am I better off just leaving him to it, I can't stop thinking that she may be using this to her advantage at getting her claws in, while i'm doing the thoughtful thing.Please help, I do like him, and also if i'm completely honest, I dont want her winning, as my friends think that the only reason she is going for Dave is because she is jealous of me.Would like advice from all please, specially guys as to what your take is on this.Thankyou.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for you answer, I did nothing, however, I went out friday night, to find, no Dave and no Nikki.
Dave hadnt come home that weekend, and I heard that Nikki had gone up to see him, through a very reliable source, (the lodger.)
I contacted Ian, who is devastated, as he has still be sleeping with her, but has said nothing as her kids had made her swear on their lives that she would stop seeing him, as they dint like the way that she behaved when he was around, I would never swear on my kids and then go against it, I know its all pants, but still, a mum just dont do it.
He is devastated and so angry,he contacted Sue, and she is in shock that her friend could do this to her, when they spent the evening together.
I tried to tell them both, that Dave was adamant that he would not sleep with her, and maybe he will push her away, the fact that neither answered the calls that I, Ian or Sue made, or replied to any texts have for all of us, pretty much confirmed our suspicions. That they are together.
I so hope this was worth them for them both, small village and long memories and all that!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): I think you should stay put, let him come to you. The ball is theoretically in his court, and if you text or ring him or anything, it will make you look desperate.
He has made it clear to you it seems that he is not going for her, so now you have to play it cool and chill out a little over the whole mess and trust him. If you can trust him then it will make you look like the better and more mature woman in this whole thing, you are not losing your head. Don't act defensive, make it clear you are not letting her get in the way of your relationship, that he just has to do the same and ignore her. It doesn't matter if she has contacted him, as he sounds like he will either ignore her or not let her get very near.
If you come after him too, then he may become overwhelmed by both women at his case, but if he sees ur acting calm then he will realise all these probs are just Nikki. Stay put a bit longer, if he is worth it then he will come back to you and you will laugh at this in the future. If he doesn't, then try see it as it was just not meant to be, and then move on.
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