A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have two kids from different fathers, i was married to the first child dad and we divorced in 2004, i divorced him because i didnt love him anymore for no reason. i met my long high school lover and we got back together and we got engaged in 2006, we have a child together. he starting cheating in 2009 and i broke up with him the same year. i met my recent married boyfriend at work in 2010 Jan, he has been treating me so nice more than my two ex hubby's, he is caring, loving towards me and my kids. He takes care of my and my kids, pays them school fees, buy us food and everything i need. The problem is, his wife has my number and everytime he is not at home she calls me and ask me where is her hubby etc, and she will tell her husband that i called her with a private no threatening her etc. i never did that, i think she is just trying to make us fight. am tired of her calls and i want to call it quiets, but his husband loves me to bits and told me he will kill himself if i ever broke up with him! what must i do because i also love him so much. and i have accepted that we will never get married because he is married.
View related questions:
at work, broke up, divorce, engaged, got back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, df30  +, writes (3 February 2011):
Ok, so your annpoyed because this mans wife has been calling you? Well it is her husband, she probably has the right to come visit you and kick your ass, but why would you stay with this guy? Money? I guess you've been cheated on before, so being the bigger person you are, you knowingly assist in cheating as well? And his wife calling you is an inconvenience? You've got problems.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 February 2011):
 you first change your phone number.
That at least will give you a little bit of peace, until his wife goes through his phone contacts to discover your new number.
Problems with his wife are not going to go away. And she is aggrieved at losing his 100% support. She is fighting for her husband.
And her husband is proving he will cheat on her. Which means he could cheat on any woman he is with.
This means that your position is very difficult.
And his wife is angry, seriously angry. And she's not averse to stirring up lots of trouble, being manipulative, and causing you major unhappiness. She also knows about you.
Maybe in the past, when he has cheated, maybe she has used the same tactics to scare off her rivals.
She and her husband have a troubled relationship. Which is why he may have been attracted to a calmer woman who does not behave like his wife. But he is still cheating.
If you pressure this guy too much he may just go back to his wife.
If you stay with him while he is married his wife will just get meaner and meaner.
If he genuinely loves you he will leave his wife, divorce his wife, and make you his sole partner. Or marry you. The last option is possibly a role you would cherish.
But what guarantee do you have that he will not cheat on you?
It may seem a remote possibility to you, but how would you feel if he married you, and then cheated on you?
Cheating men get away with only because so many women are also willing to accede to the demands of cheating men.
It is a culture thing.
Cheating men, and to a lesser extent the female equivalent, have always existed in society. It is more prevalent where the woman feels she has less economic and less political power to achieve happiness any other way. Or the woman may lack the confidence to ask for what she really wants, because she fears losing him, if she does ask for what she wants. And especially if she feels her bargaining position is vulnerable.
Women in a more powerful economic position or where they disapprove of cheating may be more able to resist cheating.
Cheating could stop tomorrow if every woman in a relationship where the man was 'taken' just refused to see him. Forcing him to make a choice. You and I know that is not going to happen. Especially if the woman knew her financial and social status would deteriorate overnight without the support of her married lover.
It has been this way for thousands of year, in all cultures, and under all religions.
So men can continue to easily cheat, because women allow it, and men pressure for it to happen.
And where the woman is under extreme financial pressure, and the father/s of her child/children also refuse to face their financial responsibilities to their own children, (as they should be properly supporting the children they fathered) it makes the woman much more vulnerable. She wants to give her children the best support she can.
You may not want to put this guy on the spot, and ask him hard questions. But if you never ask then you will never know. And if you love him, but his intentions are less long term than your hopes/expectations, then you will be deluding yourself.
And you may not want to ask these hard questions because you think it may drive him away. But if a few hard questions drive a man away, then was he really yours to drive away in the first place? If he was not really committed to you in the first place?
All I can sggest is that you sit this guy, ask to discuss some difficult options, and set out the issues, as you see it. And those issues could include:
1. You would never do the bad things his wife is suggesting you are doing.
2. That his wife is seriously scarring you and seriously upsetting you
3. Ask him to control the situation better. His wife is upset. She wants him to stop cheating. He should talk to his wife.
4. If he loves his wife he could go back to his wife and heal his marriage.
5. If he does not love his wife then what is keeeping him in that marriage?
6. If he loves you would he consider a permanent exclusive relationship with you?
7. Ask him what are his long term plans to be with you? (if yes, he has plans for you - then later you can ask: Do his plans include marriage to you? Don't be fobbed off with a maybe. Either he really loves you, or he does not.)
8. If he has no long term plans to be with you, then that may have to be another question.
But this will not fix your major problem. Economically I can see that your married lover is making a major contribution to smooth your life, and the lives of your children. Providing a stability that you would not have otherwise.
That stability, and the kindness he is showing you now, is something you need in your life.
But that stability may only be temporary. At any time the pressure from his wife might mean that he might return 100% to his marriage, as a result of the huge pressure from his wife.
You need to prepare yourself emotionally for the fact that his support and affection may only be temporary. Most married men go back to their wives. Or find a new woman to cheat with.
If you can apply your skills to find a genuine, faithful, kind, caring man, who works in a job and consistently earns an income, is not in a relationship, is not married and who loves you, and you love him, then that might be the best long term solution for you.
I do understand that your life is very difficult, and the pressures on you are very very difficult.
If it ever becomes possible then an even better solution would be for you to also gain some better job skills, and keep aiming for a better job. This would allow you to better support you, and your family. And if you did marry a man you loved, then his income and your improved income would also make things better all round.
Let's hope you can enjoy a good outcome, for you and your family.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Helloooooooo
If you want his wife to stop calling you, break it off with him and start supporting your own kids.
As for his threats of suicide, I feel like shrugging and saying "so what" but that isnt very helpful so I will say this next time his wife calls tell her you are scared he is going to commit suicide because he constantly threatens it and if she wants to have him committed for psychiatric assessment she call call on you as a witness. And mean it.
BINGO ... he will leave you alone, and then so will the wife. Two problems solved at once.
...............................
|
