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age
41-50,
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writes: I have had a crush on this guy since I was 8 years old (I just turned 36) A couple of years ago we reconnected and started conversating early on I admitted to him the crush I still have on him. We started chatting for hours a day sharing everything about eachother and our relationships all the good and the bad. It even got to the point of cybersex, well he's in Australia and I am in Canada but we are both from the same part of Canada originally. We talked about what we would do if he was closer like back in our hometown. His wife found out about our chats she went on his email and facebook account and saw all the conversations. She lost it and he had to cut off all ties with me. I was devastated I went a year not talking to him and missing him like crazy, thinking about him all the time yet was/is still with my fiance'. We moved closer to my hometown and I decided to look him up on Twitter and left my email addy. He got back to me the next day and we have been since chatting again but we picked up where we left off. And the feelings have gotten stronger during our time not conversating, to the point we have said I love you to eachother. He was back in our hometown at that time for a visit over the holidays, but had to go back to Australia with his wife. But before he left he asked me what chance does he have with me if he were to leave his wife. I told him he would have me if he were single and that I would leave my fiance for him too. Since then he has moved into the guest room, has filed for divorce and is gonna be coming back here to Canada alone once everything is in order and the divorce is finalized. I am shocked to say the least, at first it was harmless flirting and now we are at this level and I am just so beside myself with what to do. I do still love my fiance but we have had issues for a couple of years now and although I do love him I just don't feel the love is there when it comes to his feelings to me. I have children, one is my fiance's and my other is from marriage previously. I went through an awful time with custody when hubby and I seperated I don't wanna go through that again or put my oldest through that again either but I am so miserable I am depressed. Thinking of being with my crush is such a happy thought for me but I am nervous too. I don't know if I should just break it off with my fiance now or wait to see how things go with the crush and then decide then?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): It sounds like you should leave both men. Your fiance isn't a good lifelong partner as you've found out. Having a kid with him doesn't change that fact just makes it even worse. So you should end this relationship the sooner the better so you can all move on. The kids will be fine, kids are resilient if you give them the proper support and role modeling.The crush guy in Australia sounds shady to say the least. He is married and cheating on his wife. He isn't trustworthy. You also don't know him that well so its foolish to put any importance on him.Just because you have two crappy options on the table right now doesn't mean you have to choose one of them. How about make a third option for yourself which is to be single until you find a better prospect in the future than either of these two.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): Break up with your fiance first. THEN wait and see what happens. It really is that simple.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 Personally I wouldn't bother with the crush...he's married and despite what he says, people tell lies all the time to gain attention and he could just be stringing you along for the fun of it...also he's in another country so how realistic is it???
If your current relationship is over then maybe work on a plan to gain your independance, sort out finances and child access then give yourself some time to get your head together. Jumping from one relationship to another rarely works out for the best and doing it with a married man is almost always fatal.
In this day and age women can work and support themselves very well and raise their kids in a peaceful loving environment not one filled with arguments, bad atmospheres, worry,uncertainty and upset.
A lot of people view being alone as tragic and difficult so they trade it off for shitty half relationships with people who just make eachother miserable...what a choice. At least if you spend time alone, you can have time to think, get the kids raised and let the dust settle.
This crush might be saying all the things you want to hear but talk is cheap...sit back, sort your own life and when he is banging down your door as a single guy...that's the time to consider a relationship with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not scared of being alone and my current relationship is basically over and yes fiance knows it too, we both do. I am gonna be on my own regardless of if I have the crush to fall back on or not, it could be a year before I would even know what is going on with that will I wait around I would but I am not saying I am basing my life around him I was just torn on what I should do once I am single, pursue this relationship with the crush or just move on. My relationship with fiance did not end because of the crush, we have had problems for a few years and just got to the point of being too much for us both now. But we do have a child together and my oldest calls him dad, so we are both torn between what to do I know he only wants to stay around for the sake of the kids and feels he has to put up with me to do so he will. But I can't live like that, I need to feel wanted and accepted and not just here because it's too hard for him to let us go. He is not innocent in all of this either, you're only getting my side and even if I said things he did it would be taken as me justifying my own actions. I am torn by this but I do appreciate the critism, kind of put me in my place yes, lol but also gave me some perspective. I am not sure where things will go from here, I have tried hard to keep my current relationship and not let the crush effect it in any way but right now I am feeling vulnerable and perhaps the crush see's that and is using that to his advantage. But regardless of how it all ends up it will be how it's meant to be for me.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 March 2013):
Will you take your children to Australia? If you do, how will they see their fathers?
So you want to be with someone else husband, I don't expect that your children or your fiance or the woman who's being cheated on get a say in this?...as long as you get what you want, I guess all others are expendable.
I really hope you do get to be with him because it seems you are both well suited and the sooner your 'ex's' can move on to other partners...all the better, sadly your kids have no choice.
Best of luck!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): it sounds like you don't care about your fiance at all, so you should break up with him. if you're even considering leaving him for another man, then in my opinion the relationship is already over. Then why continue on, except for your own benefit only, so you dont' have to be partner-less if your other man isn't available or turns out not to be that great. You are not weighing a new job offer against your current job. you are in a relationship (or pretending to be at least) where trust, loyalty, and transparency are supposed to be the defining factors and where your fiance is under the impression it is. Yet you're treating him (and the other guy) as if they are just interchangeable commodities that exist for your benefit. And I'm sorry, but nothing you did with the other guy can be considered "harmless flirting" by any stretch of the imagination. Carrying on a secret romance is not harmless flirting, it is cheating. Obviously to you, the words "I love you" don't mean anything if you dismiss it as 'harmless flirting'. Why would you think to tell someone you love them if you don't mean it and are "only flirting"? my goodness, you are doing a lot of damage to lots of people here. Maybe you need to be single for awhile and not get involved with anyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): You have it backwards. You want to know if it's going to work out with your crush, before you decide if you should leave your fiance or not. You need to break up with your fiance immediately REGARDLESS of what happens with your crush. Whether things work out with your crush or not, it does not change the fact that the relationship with your fiance is over already. the fact that you cheated on him and actively sought out your affair partner when he broke up with you, already says your relationship with the fiance is over.Does it mean the relationship with your crush is going to be the right one? Who knows. It may be, it may not. The ONLY way to know is to "do" the relationship for real and see what happens. But that means you need to FIRST break up with your fiance, so that you can then be in a real relationship with the other guy and thereby get your answer as to whether he's the right one or not.Is this a risk? Of course it is. Things may not work out between you and your crush in the long run. But that's how it's done. If you're not willing to take any risks and just want to play it safe, then you should stay with your fiance and re-commit fully to him and do the years-long work to repair this broken relationship and get this new guy out of your mind and out of the picture permanently."But before he left he asked me what chance does he have with me if he were to leave his wife"Your crush also has it backwards. He was already cheating on his wife (thus showing what he thinks of her and how little he values his marriage). yet he didnt' want to leave her unless he could be guaranteed of a new relationship. At first I was thinking that's pretty cowardly. But then since you didn't give him any promises and yet he took the plunge and divorced his poor wife, I actually applaud him for doing that. He finally did the right thing which is to set his poor wife free from him after the horrible way he treated her, and take the RISK of not knowing if you will be there for him or not. So now it's up to you. Are you going to try and hedge your bets and play it safe and dishonestly carry on both relationships with two men to "see" which one is more to your liking before you decide? Or will you do the right thing and leave your fiance already, you've already tarnished that relationship forever by your cheating.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 March 2013):
 If you are not in love with your fiancé enough not to cheat on him (when's the wedding?) then let him go. At the very least you will be rid of the guy you can't fully commit to, at the very best, you'll be ready when the new boyfriend arrives to continue the romance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): I would say, think of your kids first. How attached is your older child to your fiance'? You would be taking the younger child from his/her father! I don't mean the kids make this decision for you. They are an important factor on how this will all pan out! You may be in for a custody battle from your fiance'!You are going from one man to the next, and not showing any regard for their (kids and fiance') feelings. You must provide your children with a stable family life. I know you love them too. Let your motherly instincts take hold!Okay...you love the man you're with; but love the man you used know. He has left his wife; so now you just dump your fiance', change your life, and reclaim an old flame. Really??? You have an issue with fidelity as it seems. Harsh, but true in this case.It isn't going to be a clean break, I assure you. Your fiance' will not make it an easy choice, and the other guy will feel insecure about how you make choices. Stop and think.Give this all time before you leap! It may only bea fantasy and not exactly what you want in reality. Is number two ready to leave a former marriage, and take on you and two kids from previous relationships? He doesn't even know these children. He really has to get to know you as well. You've been separated by time and space. Do you recall? How confusing this would be for those children!Take some time and weigh the pros and cons. Place your children first. I know you want love, and you deserve it. You all deserve a happy and secure family situation. You have the power in your hands. It's all on you.If you don't love your fiance' enough to stay with him, then end it. Not to jump into another man's arms. To resort your feelings and get a grip! I will not judge you harshly, but call you out honestly. You re-established an imaginary relationship with an old lover. Perhaps out of boredom, or loss of magic in your present relationship. This all seems like a novel, and that isn't what life is all about. This isn't a fairytale!You have two children who need to see that their mother loves the man who has asked to be the father of her children, and your husband. You may have problems in the current relationship; but it doesn't justify, nor excuse your cyber-cheating. Cyber-sex is still cheating with the mind. If you weren't continents apart, it's highly probable that you would have "physically" cheated on your man, and your kids. Yes, your children as well. They think you are a loyal mom and you're going to marry the man you have. Your older child had to adjust to the present man in your life.Don't you think he needs time to settle a few things in his old marriage, before you kick your fiance' to the curb and turn your whole life upside down? If you don't love number one, let him go. Be sure you're not pining for HIM once he's out of your life. One fact remains. He will still have one attachment left in your life. His child! I think you know in your heart what is right. Don't be selfish.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Regardless if the cheating two timing husband is going to leave his wife or not, you are not treating your fiance right. If you have no intention of remaining faithful to him you should end it now.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 March 2013):
Be an adult and break up with your fiance. You obviously don't take your relationship seriously, so no matter what happens with you and the other guy you should end things.
I mean think about it. If you would break things off with the man you intend on MARRYING for a CRUSH then your relationship is over.
Grow as a person and stop being codependent.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): You said nothing about how you feel about your fiancée. To say the truth it sounds like you kind of live in a fantasy world. Here you have your man, kids and now this crash of yours across the world, doing who knows what , telling you that he is leaving his wife. Do you know for sure. For years ubdidnt even touched each other. What is it only words that ou exchanged and little sex games that you played. I don't know.
No one can tell you about your future, may be it will work out, may be not. But it is a rulet.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 March 2013):
 You write: "I don't know if I should just break it off with my fiance now or wait to see how things go with the crush and then decide then?"
I think dilemmas like this are so interesting, because what you are really saying is: "I THINK I want to change partners... but I really don't want to do so until/unless I can assure myself of a "soft landing" regardless of whatever I do..." That (sentiment) doesn't come from a position of STRENGTH..... but, instead, comes from a position of fear.... and the fear is that one (or, both) of the guys you are playing might find out about the playing and either, or both, could leave you high and dry.
How about cooling it with Mr Married for a while... a while long enough for him to decide if HE is REALLY going to leave his wife..... and YOU, cease contact with him long enough to decide if - short of your torrid cyber-affair (and your bubbly, teen-age girl crush) - you and he can see fit to re-connect and re-make a partnership.
Meanwhile, think long and hard about your intended, and decide if your hesitation and indecision is really fair to him... (Or, do you care if you're fair to him?)....
That could take a year or more... but, if you and he really are "meant to be together".... then that year will seem like a "New York minute."
Good luck.....
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male
reader, Bill Maher +, writes (1 March 2013):
This just sounds all bad. Sincerely, sorry. But it is. Clean up the mess in a responsible manner and find a NEW guy. It's not the end of the world and heart break fades.
good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): Since when is sexting, telling another person you love them, and saying you will leave your significant other for them 'harmless flirting?!'Instead of thinking what you are doing is harmless, it is time for you to take a good look at your children and see the harm you will do if you upend their lives to be with a man you have had a crush on since you were 8 years old. Are you going to have a child with this man too? What are you going to do when the fantasy you've built up over 28 years isn't the same as reality with your crush? Are you going to seek out another fantasy with another man and decide to leave him for the next guy that seems like a good idea because you haven't the slightest clue how to make reality work for you because you leave before you give working on your problems with a man a real try?If you'd stopped being emotionally intimate with your crush, maybe your relationship with your fiance would work out. But you are too busy having an online emotional affair.You are 36. You are a parent. It is time to put your children first.
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