A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for 23 years. For the last 5 years my wife and I have not been getting along very well. She seems to avoid spending time with me and when she does, there is something missing between us. She has no problems getting out with her friends, some that I have never even met. She's going to spend a weekend at a resort with a group of them and I was not invited to go along. Things like that were never a problem in the past but now it looks like there could be something going on, like cheating. I have no proof of anything and I'm not about to start spying on her. She did cheat once in the past that I know of, so I'm a bit frustrated about the possibilities that its about to happen all over again. Our communication is getting worse everyday and its not only me backing away, she has been for a while now. The more she wants to do her thing without me, the more of a toll its taking on me and our kids. She is a very lazy bitter woman and seems to have to have serious drama going on all the time. If its not her job, its me. If its not me its 1 of our kids. Now she has problems dealing with our youngest daughter. They both say mean and hurtful things to eachother. My daughter who is 16 has been asking me to move out with her for a year now. I have reached the end of my limits with the drama, her issues with our daughter and the lack of time and communication she has with me. I am becoming more depressed by the day over how I'm being treated. Its not like I neglect her, or fight with her. I have worked very hard at keeping my family together but it seems like its becoming not worth the effort anymore. Can I please get a few unbiased opinions please?
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (6 December 2008):
 It takes two to work hard at keeping a marriage healthy and successful. When just one of the two stops working at it, the marriage starts to deteriorate.
Each of you has a choice to make: Do your part in the marriage or don't. If either or both of you don't, then take a break and spend some time apart.
If you want communication to improve, create the circumstances that allow communication to happen without the noise. As a start, arrange regular date nights where you and your wife go out together without the kids. It's important to make this kind of time if both of you want the marriage to work. I want to be emphatic about the need for the two of you to MAKE THE TIME.
You claim your wife is "lazy and bitter". Complaining to us about the faults you perceive in your wife is unproductive in the extreme, and shows that you have chosen to avoid taking the steps necessary to bring your concerns directly to your wife.
To recap, the first step for you and your wife to take is to decide on working at the marriage. If both of you choose to work on it then make time for regular communication. If both of you are willing to work but have difficulty in the communication area, only then would you want to call in a counselor.
I hope this helps. Good luck and take care.
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (5 December 2008):
 These are issues you might consider dealing with sooner rather than later. You seem to have conderns, some new ones and others from the past. It sounds like they still haunt you.
You say it seems like something is going on. How do you know this? The fact she is going away without you is not necessarily a bad thing. There is nothing wrong with time apart. But, if you couple her time away with a weak marriage it can be troubling. We are often at our weakest point when there is trouble at home. It's at those moments that some people stray.
It sounds like you need to deal with these things as a couple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Have you seen the movie Fireproof yet? It's a marriage booster :) your marriage sounds like mine too. We haven't 'cleared the air' in a long time, but I know we need to. Busy-ness of life keeps my mind off our problems, but I know marriage doesn't have to be this way. If you want to save the marriage, there's always hope if you both can have a heart-to-heart talk. (maturely without personal attacks) Since men and woman think different, you may be surprised to know what's really going on in her mind, and the same for her with you. The only way to know is to make that 1st step. How about asking her on a date Friday night? If she's skeptical, just be persistent ;) take care
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A
female
reader, viethuni228 +, writes (5 December 2008):
Well it seems like the love is just not there anymore. Alot of people stay together without love for their children but in the end the children and the parents all get hurt. I think personally you should have a talk with her and see what's going on and if you feel that she is wrong and you guys just don't have love anymore then let it go. Don't try to make anything work for family theres usually never a happy ending.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Hi, there. I am on another side of your problem. I am the wife. Let me tell you what I am going through in my marriage. When I read your story it sounds painfully familiar to me, where I play the role of a wife.
My husband also thinks that I think too much about everything and create drama where it shouldn't be any drama. We have a grown up child that already lives by herself, and when she visits us we also have fights sometimes.
I also like to go out with my friends, and sometimes my husband never meet them. I take italian language class, and sometimes I go out with girls from that class. Sometimes I just want to be alone and go the beach by myself.
I understand your worries about your wife cheating, because it's already happened in a past, but you have no proof.
Few years ago, when I was only in my late 30's my daughter moved out and left across the country for college. That was a huge change for me. I really had nothing to do with my day, then little by little I aquired hobbies and new friends. Mu hysband stoped being a center of universe for me. I started feeling traped in an empty house with him being at work all day. Little by little I started doing more more by myself. I went to GYM, started a bunch of hobbies, reading at least a book a week. My husband was saying the same thing, that I would rather spend time with my friends then with him. I was avoiding talking to him about it because it's inpleasant topic.
But eventually we sat down and talked, and I told him that I am having more fun with my friends, because they like the same things as me and willing to spend time with me. My husband is very busy, I understand, but what other choice do I have, stay home and wait for him all the time?
We women are much more dramatic than men, we feel more, we think more, we exagarate. Some women are more dramatic than others.
From what you are saying, I can see that it's becoming too much for you. The only way to correct the situation is talk about it, and may be you need a third person for that like therapist. Don't give up, we all know life is not easy in general, it doesn't mean your marriage is over. Good luck
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