A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi Cupid,I am 36 years of age, asian and have been unhappily married for 6 years. I married at the age of 30 out of conveniency and desperation as I had never fallen in love with anyone. I never thought I would meet my soul mate. My parents were pleased that I had finally tied the not with a sensible, loving, caring and loyal woman.It quickly dawned on me that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. We underwent a temporary separation a year after our marriage. As the months progressed my parents pressured me into making the right decision for myself. Out of love and respect for my parents and their credibility in our community I made made the mistake of agreeing to give our marriage a further chance. Having reunited it was evident I could not generate love for my wife, not the kind any wife deserves. Sex was conventional. I felt guilty as I felt I was using her to satisfy my own needs. I NEVER MADE love to her.Over the years we have become use to living separate lives devoid of genuine love from my side. We NEVER venture out as a couple, phone or txt eachother, have fun etc etc. I finally fell in love with a beautiful woman whose circumstances were identical to mine. The relationship was extremely intense and took over our lives. She left her husband and we made plan to be together. Unfortunately external influences filled our relationship with stress and tension. Just as I was about to leave my wife, my new love decided the timing was wrong and that our feelings were becoming destructive. Both of became seriously ill almost suicidle. It has taken me 2 years to detach my feelings for her. 6 months ago I befriended a lady who works for company next door to mine. Initially we became very close friends which led to no strings sex. She has been extremely hurt in her past 2 long standing relationships and is therefore over cautious with men. We have fallen in love as time has progressed and my marriage has now become an issue. She is now becoming distant and stresses this is because she doesnt want any emotional involvement with anyone, which is understandable. We really care and love eachother. Due to my circmstances I cannot spend the amount of time she deserves. We g socialise, have fantastic sex and then become highly emotional as | have to leave. She says I will never lose her but Im scared our relationship may just return to friendship. My heart tells me to separate with my wife but so many people will get hurt in the crossfire, additionally my parents have health issues and possess high credbility in the community whom we seldom meet. I have been sufferring in silence and over the last few days felt physically sick and suicidle. My parents are aware that our marriage is not working and that I have sacrificed my own happiness for them. Even as I write this email I am feeling sick. Please someone help me.
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female
reader, SoftlyCaress  +, writes (25 December 2008):
 IM Sorry for your unhappiness but I think if you are unhappy then your parents should want what is best for you..Everyone deserves happiness and if you arent happy then you need to get out of the marriage .Its only going to get worse and isnt not fair for your wife either she deserves love and happiness. If You dont want to be with her and dont love her then you need to be honest about it with her first of all then your parents , You ARENT married to them you are married to her and to stay with her to keep them happy is WRONG.So be honest with yourself and others ....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): You do have a number of problems. I suspect they have to do with the way you were raised, too. How else did you come to to think you are responsible for the parents' happiness? Did they only just conceive you to be their support in old age? Did they make you think so? You dragged yourself into this marriage forcibly, since you perceived it as a duty no wonder it brought you no satisfaction. But let's forget the fact that you probably did not even try to know each other while the marriage couldn't converge to an amiable deal since you never intended to be but strangers. To focus on the other part of your story... I see a pattern of falling for women that are unavailable like you, because such relationships are very likely to fail and lead you back to your old conclusions: that you can't love nor be loved. Your mind is so used to them you try to make them happen without realising. Your unhealthy view on relationships and very poor self image hinder you. What is this love hunt? Very few can feel it anyway; (strong) affection often suffices for a start and not only. But you don't know how to love your wife or someone else or have fun because you don't even try, and prefer to sit feeling sorry for yourself. You are much too preocupied with these negative ideas and self pity that you can only stealthily and without knowing give yourself wholly to simple pleasures and let yourself grow and your good feelings bubble up.Have you treated your wife not with love but with a sort of friendliness or familiarity? I bet not. Not because you are uncapable of it, but because you won't be distracted from your negative state in which you are stuck in, where you can't give nor receive. Do you think you can explain to your wife how you feel, would you feel safe doing so? Either your wife or another person has to assist you in your problems. It can as well be her because she is already involved in the matter and she would understand why when you were intimate with her you were so absent minded and excuse the formal you. I suspect she has problems too given that she entered a marriage for all the wrong reasons. Together you could achieve a lot for your self peace if she is the kind who can listen and not use it against you! Then, it's small pleasures that you must begin to feel and intensely and undistracted, but you are too warapped up in your issues most of which you contributed to by your actions and that by you can also be mended. However you are showing very little will and if you don't help yourself nobody can help you. Get a divorce if that is what you wish and explain your wife exactly why, you may feel a sort of release. Try to part ways amicably. A sincere talk would help this purpose. Maybe returning at home would then be less problematic and you would no longer have to hide. Small steps can lead to a great result. Allow yourself to be emotional in your story telling. We know nothing of your wife because you excluded her from your narration but if she is not the adequate person to hear you out, someone else has to, your friends (do you have any?) or a specialist. You will have to open up.
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