A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 33 years. We (my wife and I) never had intercourse before marriage. Although we did everything but, before marriage. We have never been able to make each other orgasm or cum through intercourse. Masturbation seems to be the only way we can get things done. My wife has, from about year 3 or 4, decided she know longer likes sex at all and if I never press her to do something it won't happen at all.She is willing to go out of her comfort zone to perform for me rather than have a regular sexual encounter. This is very pleasing but at the same time we no longer touch. I've gotten used to the situation it still leaves me bitter at times because even though our early sexual encounters didn't work we still touched. Any way you get what my problem is and I feel like my time is running out. My wife is also 6 years older than me if that helps.
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 simple...
Dod what aunt honesty said first.
Communicate the situation and figure it out.
Demand that she be honest with you as to why she is not interested.
"This is a marriage and in a marriage we talk. I am asking you to please tell me what is wrong? What has made you lose it? Did something happen to you? If you want this to work, we have to communicate with one another. I love you and I feel us drifting apart. It is killing me."
Say something to that effect, and give her a couple of chances over a week.
If she does not bite, then end it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): It has been 18 years since my wife and I had any kind of sex life. That was about two years into our relationship. We do have sex every once in a while (as in maybe once a year), but it is terrible. She doesn't like it and so then neither do I. We have talked the issue to death. Mostly that involves me telling her that I miss the intimacy and that she should "just do it" for the sake of our relationship. (I have read that this can be good advice as it is hard to start up again after so long, but she doesn't buy into it.) I also bought her a few books, none of which she read. (I did read them.) I have decided to change my approach as follows:Assume that if she was truly happy should would WANT to have sex with me like she did when we courted. Therefore, she must not be happy. We talked a lot and I have asked her why she won't have sex, but there's never a good answer. The question I am going to ask her now is: What can I do to make you happy with me and the relationship? If she says she is happy I know that is a lie, because happy wives have sex with their husbands. (Sometimes unhappy wives do, too, but that's another story.) She probably doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but there isn't much she can say at this point that would phase me other than admitting to an affair (which I don't think is happening).Dude, at least your wife gets off in front of you. You have a lot more to work with than I do. We don't even share a bed anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): Oh man this in unhealthy. Bad communication can lead to a bad sex life and because thats been going on for so long I think couples counseling could really help if you both mutually agree on that. Good luck on this.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 May 2011):
if you've had this problem for 33 years and only now are you saying anything about it, to me that suggests huge relationship problems, trust issues, or communication problems as the first and maybe biggest barrier that must be overcome.
if women start out not enjoying physical intimacy but feel pressured to do it then that further adds to their dislike of the whole situation so over time - like years and then decades - she dislikes it more and more and just does the minimum to get by to keep the peace. that could be why you don't touch anymore, because she never liked it but felt pressured to 'perform' ..it's a much bigger problem now than it was 33 years ago because not only is the original problem (why she never liked it to begin with) still there but now it's hidden under all these extra layers of years of resentment or pressure and hangups.
start by talking to her honestly and in a noncritical way, and encourage her to talk to you honestly and not hide her true feelings. If in the past you tended to get angry or upset if she talked about why she disliked this, then of course she'll be afraid to be honest. So you need to foster an environment where she can feel safe in expressing her feelings no matter how much it hurts your feelings, that's the necessary first step. you need to know what is the problem before you can fix it.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 May 2011):
 33 years???? And you're only just now asking this? You two should try going to therapy to work out why your wife has decided she hates sex. If nothing changes in a few months, it may be time to call it quits since this clearly isn't a fulfilling marriage for either of you.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (3 May 2011):
 Good grief, why did you wait 33 years to ask for help? Have you ever consulted a sex therapist or a doctor about these issues? If so what did they tell you?
What about prior to your marriage, where you able to cum during sex with the other women you dated before your wife?
What do you do differently during masterbation, since you say that works for you that does not happen during intercourse? Not to be indelicate but are either or both of you carring more than a little extra weight? Or do either of you have any other health problems that interfer with a normal sex life?
Before you can fix a problem of this nature you have to first figure out what it is and how you are going to manage it. Once you have accomplised that, you will you have better luck persuading your wife to try again. But it sounds like you are going to need a doctor or therapist's help to do that.
Until then work on the touching, holding, kissing and caressing parts to rebuild some intimacy between the two of you. But do not attempt intercourse at this time or you will lose any ground you have gained with your wife.
A hot bath and a relaxing massage is a good place to start.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): You need to go to counseling to explore this. It is an old issue, and you aren't getting any younger.
Go see a counselor, talk openly, and let her talk openly. If she won't, then nothing will happen.
Be prepared for a long period of counseling.
I'm a few years younger than you, my wife is a year older than me. We had the same problem, my wife finally admitted to being sexually abused and raped as a teenager. Things got a lot better after that, intimacy got much better, sex got better, and yet it will be a life long problem. I have to be careful how I touch her, or respond to her, or even how I act around her, or I trigger that old stuff.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2011):
 I guess your wife has just reached a point in her life where she has lost her sex drive. Believe me this is more common in women her age than you would probably think. However I guess you are feeling kind of lost without the intimacy and nobody would blame you.
There could be many reasons why she doesnt want to touch anymore, maybe she doesnt feel attractive anymore or she has lost confidence in herself. Always remember to shower her with compliments, give her plenty of hugs and kisses and hopefully gently get some intimacy back in to the relationship. If all else fails talk to her and explain to her how much you miss the closeness.
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