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male
age
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*am747
writes:I am a 57 year old married man with two teenage daughters one of whom does not live with my wife and I any more and the other being 17 years old. My marriage is dead and has been for years. There is no love any more between my wife and I and too many hateful things have been said in the past that you just cannot take back. She has been telling me for years we should get a divorce but i am a little scared about the divorce thing money wise. The other night I told her that maybe we should get a divorce because I'm just fed up with the whole thing and we both need love but at this point it would just be faking it and that does not work any more. I do not want to go to my grave without ever having been really in love. That just does not sit well with me. Now to complicate things, I met a women at work and from moment one we just seem to connect. When I first saw her I was like OMG she is my dream girl that I never got due to extreme shyness around pretty women when I was younger. She is 21 years old and has already told me she likes me and has made advances toward me that I could not go for because I am married and 30 years older than her. The truth is every time I see her I want to just wrap my arms around her and hold on tight. Every time we see each other we both just light up and smile and flirt away. I think she is just stunning, smart, funny and I love being around her. I told her once that I thought that she could get just about any guy she wanted to and she actually got a little upset and said no I can't. She knows that I do not have much money or other material things and she doesn't seem to care. I'm just really confused right now about why we are attracted to each other being so far apart in age. It just doesn't seem normal to me. I mean i can see why I am attracted to her but not the other way around. I treat her special by making things for her (I'm a chef) and I never ask or ever will for anything in return. It just makes me feel good doing it for her. She is a nursing student who will be paid well in the future but right now its a struggle for her so I help as I can. I am really confused right now and any advice may help. Thanks.
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at work, divorce, flirt, married man, money, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): OK, firstly age difference should not matter. Sounds like you have been living in fear for far too long - get a grip and move on, stop using finances as an excuse. Life is short, be smart, make a plan and follow it with action! If your marriage is dead and neither of you care anymore, then why are you wasting all these years of your life? For what? Get out there and live life and stop living in fear and making lame excuses for yourself! Even if this "thing" does not work with you and the 21 year old, is it really about that? No! It is about you leaving a dead marriage that is sucking you dry of living a real, full life. Stop living in fear, it is the worst way to live, get out and have fun again and stop worrying about what people think, it is your life! Go for it! Cheers and all the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): before making your bed with this young girl, divorce your wife first. it is the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Oh and by the way! I fell for the love of my life at 21, I'm now 28 and still deeply in love. He fell at 42, now 50. So it IS sustainable long term IF she is the right one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): Make sure your wife can't use this woman against you!!! Get divorced FIRST and make sure you are iron clad cos she will get a lot more out of you if she knew about the new lady in your life. And have fun with her :) it is VERY possibly to fall in love with an older man! The love of my life is 22 years older than me. And I have always been attracted to older men, they can offer a lot to a younger woman emotionally and physically!
Older men are more intelligent, more mature, more loving, they know what they want, they know what NOT to say to a woman, they make you feel safe and warm and lovely. And the experience in the bedroom counts ;)
Don't doubt her love, just enjoy it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): I'm going to tell you something and I want you to really think about how you feel about it.
I am a 17 year old girl. I am completely and madly in love with a writer who is 53 years old. That is the exact same age difference as you and your girl. He is completely in love with me, as well and we're both very happy together. He knows I'm young and we're waiting to see how things progress. But we've both talked about marriage and how the age difference thing affects us both now and how it will in the future. I think we're very well-matched and I'd be lucky to find anybody else even remotely like this man.
Now you have to think about me and my man. How do you feel about it?
If you don't think it's right...then you need to take a second look at your relationship.
You have to step back and look at it from an outsider's point of view and try to iron out all the details, rationally.
I do agree that you have to do something about your marriage first, and it shouldn't be only for this girl.
I wish you the best of happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): instead of painting your marriage as all doom and gloom, decide whether you want to end it.
if you care anything for this 21 yr old, do you want her to be perceived as a homewrecker (that you will make her be if you indulge with her while married).
while you are still married you will be considered cheating on your wife if you start an affair with this girl, and she is a girl by all counts of it. why rob her of her best years if you cannot offer her "marriage and commitment" . is she not worth anything and why do you disrespect her so much by even considering her while married.
surely life has taught you , you cannot have your cake, cream and eat it too. don't be greedy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): My uncle was 46 when he married his 23 year old wife which is now my aunt for the last seven years and three children later.
Prior to that, he worked at a cafe in England as a dish washer. Before meeting his future wife, he went back to Hong Kong after nearly twenty five years in the United Kingdom. He had very little savings, very little education and very little experience other than being a dish washer/bus boy.
Why did my then-23 year old aunt want to marry him? What did she see in him? Considering many of the replies here, my then-23 year old aunt would surely have only seen the (lack of) bulge in his pants and the (lack of) massive house he was living in?
No, indeed, my uncle was born poor, raised poor and left China to work in the UK for more nearly three decades and came back with nothing but his clothes and some of his sentiments from abroad.
So what did my then-23 year old aunt see in him?
Day in and day out, my uncle now 53 is working as a security guard with 10 to 12 hour shifts, six days a week, trying to raise three children. My aunt, now nearly 30 is at home, raising the 3 children, looking after my grandmother and grandfather.
So tell me everyone, who has deemed young women as money-mongering, what did my then-23 year old aunt see in my then-46 year old uncle?
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I am sorry for my rant, but there are certain biases and ignorances I just cannot let pass. It's vexing to see that in today's world, instead of trying to have progressive mentalities, there are still many people that believe in "acting ones age", whatever that may be.
To ram747, there are people in this world that WILL only be interested in their 'lovers' for their money, stability, networking opportunities and even their prestige. However, are you to hold back because there are SOME men and SOME women in this world whom are money-mongering, superficial epitome, insincere and full of ulterior motives?
Your 'problem' is two fold. The first is your unhappy marriage and the second is whether you 'should' pursue the younger woman.
I cannot help you further that others have not already suggested. I was only here for the rant.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): It might work. The problem is, you will have to watch her every second of the day. Once you become "not appealing" she may have side relationships. Young women after older men seek financial security. Once they have it, be aware, very aware. She will move on and, won't look back, and leave you drained.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): Wow. 21? And you think that would work? Only time I've seen that last is when a girl marries an older guy because of the money and security he can provide.
You don't have much money... So that only leaves the thrill of flirting with a married man. As SOON as you dump your wife, this 21 year old will change towards you. She'll 180 on you so fast you'll think she's the female Rob Dyrdek. Bet that.
Just not a good idea, homey. Especially if you make HER the reason for your divorce.
Its somewhat disconcerting that someone your age is still doing things like this. I was looking forward to growing out of my stupidity. Meh.. LOL
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): I agree 100% with q1605! I was going to leave a similar message but it might have been too rude so I didn't, but he said it PERFECTLY! If you don't love your wife and haven't for a long time then I think you should get a divorce becuase there is no point in staying with her if you are both unhappy. BUT as a 57 year old man with 2 teenage daughters, how could you even consider the possibility of a 21 year old!? Thats so gross! What if your 17 year old daughter started dating a 53 year old man? Honestly, how would feel about that? As he said SHE IS 21 AND YOU ARE 57!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, jd0230 +, writes (3 May 2009):
I agree with the others, if you are that unhappy then money is no object.If it wasn't the money issue coming up then it would be because you have a family, or have yourself settled and you feel like you are too far down the line to leave, or perhaps this new woman. All in all you should do what is in your heart!As far as this new woman, if she is truely that special then you should make sure that it is not just because you are neglected in that are of life. Which anyone could naturally deny, but just be sure. It is also true that she could feel that way. Depends on what you are looking for. Someone to settle with or just for fun. Time will tell and hopefully you find your true happiness, everyone deserves some happiness.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 May 2009):
 I think I need to give you three opinions, not one. One is about your divorce, the second about the 21 year old, and the third is about the two things not being one and the same.
Regarding your divorce, it seems that there is no reason related to love or companionship that would justify staying married. Maybe the money would be a problem, but I am afraid that after some time the price you would pay would seem cheap.
Divorcing your wife and going for that other girl are not the same thing. It could seem so, because the fact that you found someone to love gives you a powerful reason to get a divorce. But you need to have good reasons of your own to divorce, because the girl could certainly go away, and there is no going back to your wife. In short, if the marriage is bad in itself, then put an end to it. Don't do it because you found someone else.
And then, I think you need to be very careful regarding the twenty-one year old. You sound like someone who wants real love. I take particular notice of your words about not wanting "to go to [your] grave without ever having been really in love". That is something none of us should ever experience, I believe. Giving and receiving love is a great thing. Be certain that this is what the girl wants.
I am not sure that a relationship with a 21 year old is sustainable over the long term.
All the same, I wish you the best. I hope you find the love you want, and I hope she loves you back as much as you will.
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A
female
reader, Delicious +, writes (3 May 2009):
Sometimes when life is not good at home, we look for attention elsewhere. I think this girl is paying attention to you, probably something that's been missing from your marriage for a really long time. And it feels really good, but you have to realize she's a little girl and she's probably infatuated with you and it won't last. What could you possible have in common. She may be beautiful and everything you say she is, but she's not the one for you. From the way things sound, maybe you do need to get a divorce, I don't know, but there are plenty of woman that you would be more suited with than this girl. She will break your heart if you get too attached. Good Luck
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