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writes: About six years ago, I moved 500 miles from home to be closer to family after a breakup from a really insecure relationship. I knew I was not ready for a relationship again, and I swore I was going to work on my insecurities. A few months later I met my now husband. I told him I was not ready for a relationship because I had a lot of personal growth to do before I could be good for anyone else. We remained friends and before I knew it, he was feeding all of my insecurities, and I became very attached to him.After a few months, we became completely engulfed in one another, each with our own insecurities that we were each glad to nurse in exchange for each others'. A really unhealthy situation, I know, but it felt right because we just forgave each other's jealousies, and felt like "this is someone I really understand". As time went on, we found ourselves becoming more enmeshed, and had a lot in common. We got along in every other way, except when one or the other was in a jealous fit. Over time, he became fixated on my past, which was the one thing I could not reassure him about. He was angry all the time, silent, cold, and made me feel really bad whenever I became insecure myself. I sought out therapy and began to really heal myself and overcome a majority of my insecurities. Meanwhile, his insecurities had gotten so bad, he was rarely ever in a good mood, cut me off completely from sex (except to get oral for himself) for years, and pushed me away any time I tried to touch him. I felt unlovable, unbeautiful, and worthless as a woman. He made up for it all the time by doing really sweet little gestures, making me dinner, filling my car up with gas when I was not expecting it. I felt very attached to him, and about 3.5 years in, he proposed to me. I knew it was not quite right, and we had a lot of issues, but I also felt like I had put up with it for so long (and by now we had bought a house together), plus I was getting older, what would make me leave now? Though I often dreamed of having more for myself, I also reassured myself that everyone makes sacrifices and relationships take work. On my wedding day, I still had doubts but everyone told me that would happen and it was normal. But I felt like my doubts were not normal, I did not have a connection with my husband because our relationship was founded on insecurities that I had grown beyond. Shortly after our marriage, we got to a point where we almost never spoke, never touched, always did our own things around the house. His insecurities got worse, and I grew even further apart from him.Recently he came to me saying he wants us to be closer, and became very clingy. Now I just want the independence I have had for the last few years, and am starting to doubt how close we ever were. I want to be in love, and I want happiness, without manipulation. I told him I am not sure how to get close to him, and it tears us both apart because I feel I have left him all alone in his insecurities. He is now fighting like crazy to make me get the feelings back and I am feeling so trapped because I realize I have no attraction or connection with him anymore. We have been to marriage counseling, but I just feel like I am going through the motions. I feel so guilty because in my mind, the only solution is for us to go our separate ways. I just do not know what to do, I feel like either way I go will result in tremendous pain and loss. I wish I knew what I was doing when I allowed myself to build a relationship without a real foundation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am really sorry to hear about your situation. I am not sure about the advice your priest gave you that 1 year is not enough to figure it out. There is no magic number on something like this, and sometimes you just know. Plus, what a lot of people have been telling me is "once you know for sure (if you are going to leave him), you need to rip off the bandaid so he can just move on with his life.. do not let him wait around wondering!" I really did not go into detail about some of the things my husband has done to break our connection because I had already written a novel. But his jealousy has caused him to call me nearly every bad name in the book, taunt me in the middle of or directly after intimate moments, snoop on me, create false instances of flirtation from other men to see if I would slip up, etc. Each time, even though I constantly reassured him, I drifted further and further away. Over time, those behaviors calmed down, but were replaced with him always being silent and hostile. I tried to joke and laugh to calm the mood, and we had a really good way of covering it up by joking that we were like an "old married couple".I became more independent and he felt threatened by that. Out of the blue one day he decided he wanted to give me all the affection I had been asking for for years. I thought it was a dream come true and I would love it, but very quickly it became suffocating. In a matter of days, our dynamic went from nearly no contact and terrible loneliness to completely suffocating because he was suddenly following me everywhere I went (yes, even the bathroom), and cornered me into hugs, kisses, etc. He wouldn't even let me work on papers for school, he just sat and stared at me hoping I would tell him I felt something back. I finally had to move into my mother's home just to get this semester over with because I cannot breathe in my house.There were enough good things in the relationship to keep my mind preoccupied, particularly when I was in the "idealization" phase of the engagement. We had so many nice memories and compatible goals, but my family (who does not like my husband at all) keeps telling me that you can have that with a roommate just as well. Anyway that is where I am at. Feeling like a failure, and full of guilt. I will keep this thread updated as I go through this, and I hope you do. Please stay strong, it is such a lonely road.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): I am going through a similar situation. I married thinking this was the only choice I have left and the right choice to make because he is the only one who has been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
I believe it when he said he loves me despite the realization that I don't love him back. He thinks its an attack against his character but really its about me feeling unfulfilled on my own and I just want freedom that I never did in my life. The 1yr I was abroad on my own was the only time I felt happy and proud of myself being able to do that. But now I'm stuck. Here. With him. Again. And it was wrong of me to get married to him in church which is why I struggle. Because of my faith, I feel I can't leave him. He is a good guy and I don't want to taint his life by me leaving. He claims he will stop believing in God if I leave him. He used to not go to church or pray, he used to smoke etc. I'm scared he will become like it again if I leave.
I'm sorry I don't have an advice except to share that I have been seeing a counselor and a priest to help me get through this. The priest says, not all marriage are meant to last but it doesn't mean I should take marriage lightly. 1yr is not enough to know if I've truly tried to make the marriage work. I've been married to him for 2yrs, been with the guy for another 7yrs? All these time I was scared to leave him bec. I was scared to hurt his feelings. I have yet to find a conclusion with my counselor. But I hope you and I will find the answers. Please share with me an update to your life. Mine will take awhile.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your feedback, Janniepeg. :) So much appreciated.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 This is a difficult situation. I think you are overwhelmed with his behavior that you never thought of solutions right after he mistreated you. I also think intellectually he understands that manipulation is not the way to go but he doesn't know any other way to inspire love from people. He knows he hurt you by withdrawing affections but has no control over his mind. It sounds like he has bipolar or borderline personality and it's best to get him checked out by a psychiatrist. This is the last resort and if he tried medication and it didn't work then you can say to yourself you tried your best. You may feel old after a few unsuccessful but you are still very young. You should be with someone full of life, exercising, checking out new things in the city.
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