A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in a sexless relationship. It's a long, painful story and if I could recount all the reasons why my man is depressed and feeling powerless, you would understand why I'm being so long suffering. He refuses counselling and gets upset if *I* try to instigate things. He's a good and loving man, but each of the six years we've been together has gotten more and more upsetting to me. I don't want to leave - he does love me. He's not cheating - he just is too depressed for sex.PLEASE do not tell me to get a vibrator. ANY woman who thinks a sex toy is a substitute for a man is seriously messed in the head. Really, there aren't any answers - it's stay and put up with it or leave. I can't do that to him unless he wants that. He does not.
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male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Oh, one more thing I forgot to add. You could probably benefit from some counseling yourself. Dealing with a person with clinical depression on a full time basis is a very difficult burden, and one that can be made better with proper professional guidance. And perhaps your own therapist can help give you some ways in which you can help you husband get the assistance he needs. Think about it.
A
female
reader, fortoner +, writes (30 July 2008):
I am sure you have allready tried every trick in the book to get him in to counciling. I know this is different but it is still somthing to consider. A few years a go my father became very depressed and spent most of his time alone, doing absolutely nothing. It got to the point where he refused therapy and to viset any clinics. It was hurting the whole family and my mother especially. After talking to him and letting him know that he was actually hurting us by not going to therapy he became more at ease with the idea. It started as a "I won't go for me, but becuase it is so important for you i will try it" and then eventually he went on his own. Prehaps he just doesn't know that his lack of action is making you so unhappy.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 July 2008):
Clinical depression is an ILLNESS. If your husband had tuberculosis and refused to see a doctor would you tolerate it? Would you be willing to take a chance with his life that way, in the hopes that he MIGHT recover on his own? You are too resigned to putting up with your husband's condition. You shouldn't be. Public health officials believe that almost all successful suicides in this country are related in some way to depression.
One of the problems with depression is the disease itself prevents the victim from getting treatment in many cases. That's what's happening here. In such cases the ONLY effective way to deal with it is to have someone close to the victim (that would be YOU) force the issue. Yes, it's difficult and probably risky. But if you love him and want to get him back from this disease you MUST do it.
He needs professional care. There is no other way around it. We are talking about things like imbalances in brain chemistry that just don't change by themselves.
I know that's not the answer you came here looking for. But it's the only realistic answer you're going to get. Don't mess with depression. It's a killer. It's already ruining your life, and not just your sex life either.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (30 July 2008):
He may be depressed but does that give him the right to keep you a prisoner in a miserable relationship?
If he's depressed then that's not his fault but depression makes people see the world as being entirely based around them and their problems. He's not going to change and get better as that requires hard work and effort, and depression sucks that out of you. He's probably feeling like you are going to leave anyway, so you spend all your time telling him you are not. It may be time for some tough love.
Make him get counselling, MAKE him get better, tell him that you ARE going to leave unless he does get help and set it all up for him so all he has to do it turn up.
The fact you are so against a vibrator makes me feel that this is not about sexual frustration but a lack of intimacy and general lovingness. A vibrator is not a substitute for a man but can get rid of the first one by giving you a dose of happy feelings from an orgasm. It's can't cuddle you afterwards and tell you how beautiful you are, and I think that is what you are missing.
He's not able to drag himself up out of this pit so you can lower ropes by setting up doctors appointments etc, but you can also kick his arse by telling him you are going to leave if he doesn't start climbing.
Good Luck!! xx
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