A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for insight on this situation of mine of a relationship that had dissolved. I am seeking a career change because it holds poor memories.I had a friendship with a male colleague for a year which I know he valued. I thought that he reciprocated my feelings but as soon as I got word that he had gotten into a new relationship, he started to distance himself from me which stung alot. I asked for a private word with him in a room but he brought along somebody else which he had never done before.I told him that I no longer wanted to be friends (because I couldn't emotionally handle it and was very upset) and he replied wow, ok that is your decision. He told HR the next day and expressed his concerns to her regarding myself. He said he wanted to keep it professional and spoke very abruptly to me following on from that which angered me.I declared my feelings to him and he said he has a girlfriend and he told another colleague which rattled me. I no longer see him as he now works different timed shifts to me which is a blessing in disguise.Any advice on how to move on from this and what i could have done differently?Thankyou in advance xXx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2020): If in the future, you decide you don't want to be friends with a man anymore because you can't handle the feelings because he's moved on, there's no need to announce it to him. He had already distanced himself, which was the right thing to do as he had started a relationship, so it was not necessary for you to declare yourself in this way.
In the future, you swallow your hurt and you distance yourself also, without the announcement.
It must have been quite shocking for him to have you declare 'the end of your friendship,' when he had already prioritised his new girlfriend anyway and it must have seemed overly dramatic on your part.
I'm sorry you're hurting. We all get hurt at some time, but at least you can learn from this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2020): Hi, I read your post. A Few thoughts1. You had feelings for him. Its not friendship.2. He never valued you in any manner - not a colleague, not as a friend, and certainly not as his love interest3. Somethings arent adding up here- Has he had private conversations with you before ? has he actually let you know that he values your friendship? Where does the issue stand with HR?I wont be dwelling on what went wrong here- trust me its no use crying over spilt milk. I will however give you some tips as a single working woman in her 30's who has seen truckloads of this sort of stuff:1. It's ok to have feelings- we cant help it- but don't act on them.2. At work - professional growth and money are the first and only two priorities. Do don't expect friendship, trust, faithfulness etc.3. In your case it looks like this guy has probably flirted with you or has time passed around at office until he found someone whom he wanted to spend his life with. He probably felt guilty or awkward meeting you if he had flirted earlier bcoz today he knows what he did isn't all that appropriate. Which probably explains his defensiveness as well. But as honeypie says -why look for love at work ? Pls draw boundaries at workplace- Drawing boundaries is a prevention mechanism and helps avoid creating such situations in the first place. My 10 cents don't allow colleagues to flirt with you or become overfriendly- ever4.People are scared - As honey pie says Me TOO has changed things a lot. Speak to some lawyer and HRs outside of your organization to know your rights, limitations- what to do and what not to do as work. Specifically please find out - what in your country constitutes harassment- you might be surprised to find out how easy it is to cross lines and how easy it is to be forgetful of laws and how harsh the consequences can be. 5.Never go easy on people and never lose your calm ever. If you observe, had you not said anything in front of the other witness or had casually asked him in public if everything was all right- it would still have been fine. In a way he predicted you behavior and instigated you to bring an HR complaint on yourself. Now take a step back-You could have simply walked away the moment the two individuals entered the room, stating that the "You know what ? I am uncomfortable with this. I am leaving" .That would have turned the tables especially if both of them were men. You see its the same situation but a slight change in response from your end can have drastically different outcomes. Think calmly and always let your head rule. 6. Your so called ex-friend is equally guilty of misconduct if he had had such private meetings at office in the past with you. But unfortunately the one meeting where he + witness had with you is what counts today. There are no concrete proofs for the earlier meetings i guess, which makes it hard for the HR to counsel him on his behavior. In my opinion this is my biggest learning for you if you indeed had meetings with him earlier in a similar manner. 7. Good you aren't bumping into him. Good he is avoiding you. But if the fact that two more people at least are aware of this incident is rattling you day and night then yes consider changing jobs.8. Be more observant. Be a smart cookie. At work be a steely bitch that no one can mess with in any manner- professionally or otherwise.9. 1x1 - never sign up for 1x1 with anyone unless you know the person and trust him or her professionally- take notes wherever required.Try having discussions in front of others or in open space wherever possible.10.Know this - professional angle aside- A man who predicts your behavior only to inflict harm so that he can save himself from you I would say if you are spending every waking moment obsessing over this issue- then quitting and move to a fresh pasture is probably better. Until then try to make yourself indispensable at work so that no one can point any finger at you. please identify who are this guys friends and avoid hanging out with them if you can- just to be on the safer side. If you plan on quitting this job then stay invisible as you can until you leave focusing only on work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2020): Never mix business and pleasure. Lesson learnt the hard way. Now move on. Personally I would also look to change jobs as this will linger over you in your current workplace.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 October 2020):
 What should you have done differently? Where to start?
- When someone "friend" zones you, they are not interested in anything other than being friends, regardless of how much they tell you they value your friendship. Someone who wants more will eventually push for more. At the very least, they will not start dating someone else and push you away.
- When you ask for a private word with someone and they bring someone else with them, they probably already have a good idea what you are going to say and they don't want to hear it. A hasty retreat at this point would have been a far better idea than what you did.
- If someone is already in a relationship, you should not - repeat NOT - be telling them you have feelings for them. How would you feel if someone did that to someone YOU were dating?
- Getting too close to work colleagues is seldom a good idea. Not only does it make for an awkward situation when things go belly-up but also looks unprofessional to senior staff and managers. Your behaviour has now been brought to the attention of the HR Department and will be on your file.
- Employers do not want drama in the workplace. You go to work to work, not to socialise or date. Relationships are not airports; you do not have to announce your departure from them. If you fall out with someone, simply keep away from them and carry on with your life. You do not need to make a drama out of it by make a big announcement.
It looks like your ex friend, probably in conjunction with the HR Department, has decided to keep away from you by working different shifts. This gives you breathing space to decide whether you want to carry on working there or to look around for a new job and start afresh.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2020): I think it's time for you to say : "That's the end of this disaster!" And move on emotionally.If all goes well you will see much less of him at work!You need to work on creating new things,to absorb yourself in.Follow politics on the news and you will soon see how fast people fall in and out of favour.Think about any topic that isn't him!Be glad he went to HR because the whole thing is over and done with now.You're not the first person to get feelings for someone at work and you won't be the last either.I think you started feeling 'special' in his eyes during your year of 'friendship ' but assuming that this would lead into a full-blown relationship is what upset you when it didn't happen as you wanted it to.Make sure that the next friendship you cultivate has conversations about the future and about exclusivity before you let your feelings get involved or you are over investing in someone who may not feel the same way.And the lesson here is to forgive yourself for any mistakes you made and to say no more on this topic if colleagues want to get involved and start asking you what went on.Just smile that Mona Lisa smile and say 'No comment!'
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 October 2020):
 I always say with these kind of posts that this is kind of outcome is what happens when we indulge in romance within the workplace.
You did not even get as far as having a relationship with him, and still there is awkwardness and bad feeling.
you should never of declared your feelings to him, you should of refrained from saying anything to him and kept it at a professional capacity.
Ok whats done is done, you can't unscramble scrambled eggs. Accept that you made a bad decision, suck it up and move on.
The good thing about life is impermanence, things don't last forever. Yes people may gossip about it for a few weeks, then after that someone else will be the main topic of gossip.
As you say its a blessing that he has gone to another department.
I think in today's job market, and the amount of people losing their jobs you are lucky to be in employment. You would be a fool to leave your job because it holds poor memories.
Like i say, you had a mistake, use this as hindsight, and don't make this mistake again. Suck it up, hold your head up high, and carry on with your job to the best of your abilities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2020): Your post serves as an example to many who write DC who insist on springing their unrequited feelings on unsuspecting people; and those who use their place of business like it's where they go to find dates. You know he has a girlfriend, but you told him your feelings anyway??? He attempted to distance himself, which is what you do when you commit yourself to a relationship. Was he supposed to immediately drop his girlfriend once you came along and dropped this bomb on him?
You don't seem to have a clue about professionalism and appropriate behavior in the workplace. Perhaps it's partially the fault of your employer. If there are no guidelines or policies set regarding work-ethics and appropriate employee conduct; then these things will happen.
I understand your feelings are hurt, and you're embarrassed; but it's your fault for inappropriately making that sort of declaration to your coworker while on your job! Exposing your personal-feelings for him the way you did, why shouldn't he tell others? You were way out of line!
You leave your mental-stability open to question when you discard your self-control, and act so impulsively. He went to HR about it; and now that registers on the record as a complaint regarding inappropriate-advances at your workplace. Same as it would, and should occur, when a man approaches a woman on the job in that way. Actions and behavior that leave you both vulnerable to gossip; and all sorts of presumption and speculation. He has a girlfriend, who may have gossipy or protective friends who work there as well. He was covering his backside, if you should be so bold; it's no telling what you'd do in-front of his girlfriend. Even through a tantrum on the job!
Moving-on isn't the issue here. I hope the dust settles on this matter, and you'll keep your distance...and your job! You're an adult! You'll simply have to use self-control, slip into professional-mode; and get a grip on yourself. He has a girlfriend; so futility puts a damper on any further pursuit or discussion on the subject.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 October 2020):
 Why did you confess your feelings if you KNEW he has gotten a GF? I mean were you LOOKING to make a "mug" of yourself? Slap yourself in the face?
It makes PERFECT sense for him to distance himself from you when he started a relationship. Because he ALREADY knew that you were keen on him, he wasn't stupid. He felt it would be better to not hang around a FEMALE coworker all the time, FOR HIS relationship's sake. Maybe you had become a little clingier too so he backed off to not make you think he was stringing you along?
Listen, OP
YOU made this into a drama, a soap-opera. Because you GOT your feelings hurt that he didn't see you as more than a casual WORK friend.
You can't have a "do-over".
You need to REEXAMINE you own behavior here. Instead of asking what could I have done differently, you need to think, WHAT do I need to do in the future?
1. you fell for this coworker but he wasn't into you, which is why he started to DATE someone else.
YOU NEED to grow up. You go to work to make a living not for "BF/husband hunting"! If you can't keep a PLATONIC friendship with a guy, you don't have to ANNOUNCE that you can't be friends. You just stop being available. Don't show the ENTIRE office that you got rejected? Have a little dignity?
NEVER declare you feelings to someone who HAS a partner. Just no. Unless you have some kind of desire of self punishment.
2. HE FELT he had to ENSURE that HE wouldn't get fired for NOT liking you back. That is why he pulled in another person into the room, and why he contacted HR. Simply, he wanted to shut down ANY avenues for you to claim HE is/was inappropriate or get him fired. And seriously speaking, I DO NOT blame him at all. With all the "Me too" stuff out there HE had to cover his ass. THAT is reality.
3. KEEP romance out of the work place 100%. If you want office friendships stick to STRAIGHT women friends. No chance of ant romantic drama there.
Look, I know it stings when you get rejected, but it's part of life.
LEARN from this. BE more professional.
If you want to find a partner a BF then look OUTSIDE of the work place. If it doesn't work out, at least you won't have to deal with this kind of spa opera at work.
Chin up. Let it go. Shake it off.
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