A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why am I always the rebound girl and never the girlfriend?! I don't know what it is about me but I always seem to attract or I'm attracted to emotionally unavailable guys and it makes me want to hit my head against the wall. I've never been in a long term relationship, I'm never the girl that a guy wants to commit to or call his girlfriend. Over the years I've had several situations where I've dated guys who are still hung up on ex's. When I was studying abroad I had a thing with a guy, after 3 months he told me he would probably get back with ex once he returned to UK. Low and behold, they are got back together. When I moved cities, I went on several dates with a really great guy, he ghosted me and after a little bit of social media stalking I found out he'd broken up with his ex a couple of weeks before our first date. After going on a few dates with another guy, he decided straight after sex was the time to tell me he was still in love with us ex and was hoping to get back with her. More recently I dated a guy for about 4 months who was recently out a long term relationship. We got on so well and I developed feelings for him, but oh shock horror, he decided he wasn't ready to commit to me. I let myself wallow for a few weeks and then when I started feeling better about things, I got back on the dating apps. After 3 really great dates with another guy I really fancied, I got the exact same speel. Recently out a long term relationship so not looking for anything serious. I honestly want to jump out a window! I meet the majority of these guys on dating apps so it's really difficult to know what people are looking for. And before anyone says anything, I don't always find out about these ex's until time has passed and I've already developed feelings!Should I cut the bullshit and say up front that I'm not interested in a casual relationship? And don't bother matching with me unless you've been single for more than 6 months? Or does this scare guys away? Its making me jaded about dating and I'm worried if and when I do meet someone great, I'll be bogged down with all these insecurities and trust issues. Honestly, I don't know if I handle being another persons rebound. I'm over being someones second choice.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 November 2020):
 Well for one, STOP frigging DATING guys fresh out of relationships!
That should be a no brainer!
Take things a LOT slower.
Get of dating apps a bit. Do you. Get into hobbies, spend time with friends.
I think a little distance from the BF search would be beneficial to you. Because you come off as desperate when you think that EVERY good date will turn into a relationship. Or that SEX will lead to a relationship.
If you date someone I think it's REASONABLE to state your standards (or show them) so if a guy says after 1 or more dates says:" I'm not looking for something serious", you say: "OK I wish you well, but I am not looking for a casual thing, so I don't think this is anything I want to get into." And then you BLOCK him. It might SUCK, but probably the best way to handle guys who are looking for casual but pretending to look for something serious.
When you date someone, WAIT with the sex. A GOOD while, try 6 months. Because USUALLY a guy ONLY looking for sex, will NOT wait that long. It will ALSO give you GOOD time to get to know them.
And DO dates in person. Don't get HYPED on a LOT of texting/talking over apps. MET them in person, SPEND time with them. Don't go home with them or take them home UNTIL you BOTH decide OK I want to date YOU/HIM.
KNOW your own value and STANDARD. Don't settle for quick match up and hook ups.
But for now, TAKE a break.
Saying you won't date guys who hasn't been single for less than 6 months WILL NOT protect your from guys who are looking for something casual.
Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life (other than death and taxes) - so GO slow, GET to know the person, DO NOT take a rejection or offer of something casual to mean that YOU aren't of value or that they think YOU can't BE a good GF. Just don't ACCEPT something casual. Move on IMMEDIATELY if they want casual and you don't. No sex until you BOTH want to pursue a relationship.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (1 November 2020):
 I think that maybe you should just stop trying so hard to meet someone and concentrate on working on yourself, and also give the dating apps a break also. Its seems like at the moment your relationships are all following the same pattern.
I'm not knocking internet dating, it works for some people, and I'm sure some people have got some positive stories to tell. But also its crammed packed full of the type of people you are meeting. Having a breakup from their partner, then in five minutes they have a profile online and ready to hook up with someone else.
I would refrain from internet dating, delete the app and work on loving yourself. Do things that make your heart sing and start some hobbies that you enjoy. Sign up for some classes, join a walking group etc, where people there share common interests.
I know its hard, you feel like you always meet the wrong guy, that you will never meet anyone. I assure you that your time will come, you will meet someone nice. But finding that relationship all starts with you. Get into that good feeling positive place and love yourself. Keep telling yourself you are worthy of meeting someone nice. I also believe that we meet our perfect partner when we stop looking, when we least expect it.
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