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female
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*4865
writes: I'm married. it was an arranged marriage. i live with my husband. i have 2kids. one from my hubby. and a one year old kid from my lover. have been in an intimate relationship with a married man for the past 3 years. my hubby knows about our relationship but doesnt know about the kid's parentage. when he got to know about my lover all my hubby wanted was to include him. so we have had threesomes a few times. hubby is very comfortable with my lover. my lover and i had shot a video clip of us having sex and four days back his wife accidentally got to see it. she is in shock, as she had completely trusted her husband. my lover called me the next day saying we have to end our relationship as he wants to save his marriage. i know he has a responsiblity towards his wife and 2kids. but i feel devastated. i'm feeling very guilty too. coz i know how painful it is for the wife. but i dont know how to survive without his presence in my life. looking at my little kid i feel terrible. i cant erase the past. i feel very depressed and i am neglecting my health. And am feeling very desperate.it was my lover who said our relationship is forever whenever i worried about his wife finding out. it was him who said he cant live without me. but now he is saying he is finding solace in religion and prayers. he said we are to cut off the relationship for ever. he says i should think he died in a car crash. how can i when i know he is very much alive? i feel terrible. knowing i cant do anything about it. he begs me to tell his wife if she is to call that our relationship was just for sex. he doesnt want her to leave him. i dont want her to leave him too. but how can i live without him? he has never showed any attachment towards the kid. but always said he loved me and his wife equally. i feel lost and lonely. please tell me what to do.
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female
reader, a4865 +, writes (3 June 2006):
a4865 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear reader, thank you very much for writing:Well what done is done, you cant take it back now the best thing you could do is to take this as an opportunity to start a fresh and cut him out of you life completley.....your reply makes me feel much much much better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2006): Well what done is done, you cant take it back now the best thing you could do is to take this as an opportunity to start a fresh and cut him out of you life completley. You could start by changing your phone number, because you keepin his number only acts as temptation when your feeling lonley, or need affection, and this could lead to more heartache. Also if he has your number, when everthings back to normal with him and his family life, he may try and re kindle the relationship. From what you know now and the way you are feeling you know its not worth it.
Im glad youve spoken to your husband, i dont think telling him about your childs parentage is going to be useful for any of you.
Honey, i really hope you dont feel it is all your fault like you said, and that you are a immoral woman, because it takes two to tango. If you are immoral he is also, because he knew what he was doing and he knew what was at steak, if anything you are the brave one because you are taking the flack, and he to me is a coward.
Have you told your husband of your physical feelings?
Just give it sone time, you are very sensitive at the moment, and are feeling very vunerable, maybe yo will feel diffrently.
If not this could be telling you something about your relationship.
If in turn you feel as though you want your marrige to work, i could suggest marriage counciling, it may help you to make a decision about your future together.
I hope this has been helpful
Take care x
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A
female
reader, a4865 +, writes (30 May 2006):
a4865 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to everyone who answered.i'm so sad that i didnt read these valuable replies earlier.i did an irrepairable damage yesterday.i sent her a message saying-"your husband had called me now saying i wrecked his married life.i'm terribly sorry. i know it's all my fault. please forgive him for your childrens sake. i will give away the world if i could take away your pain the way i have taken away your peace and happiness." she responded by asking who the hell are u to recommend to forgive my husband? its none of your business. u shouldve died the same day when u betrayed your husband for two minutes pleasure." and "i said i'm sorry i know i'm nothing but an immoral woman who never realized the importance of marriage. i regret my whole life".
may be i made matters worse for them but i was doing what i did hoping to make things better. they wont understand how sad i feel.
last nite i talked to my hubby about it. but have kept the parentage of my little son a secret coz i'm scared it will spoil my son's future forever. hubby was very understanding and says i should forget all that has happened and asks me to rebuild our happiness. i dont know whether i will ever be able to do that. i dont think i will ever be able to have sex with him. i dont know whether i will be a burden to him. i feel very sad for damaging so many lives.
please reply if possible.
thanks again.
amy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2006): Honey, stay out of it. If you really want them to work it out, and you to really need to move on, making any contact with his wife is just going to make matters worst. I doubt it will be a simple case of her asking you if it was just about sex. Eventually she will want to know where, when, how, things he said to you, how long this has been carring on for etc, checking that what you say corresponds with the things her husband told her, shes going to want to pick your stories apart untill she unveils what she believes is the truth, thus making it 10 times more painful for her and keeping each event fresh in your mind. Which in turn will make it harder for you to get over.
I think you should try your hardest to distance yourself from the whole situation. You take control of the situation and ask him not to call you anymore.
He obviously feels his marriage is worth saving, and has no regard for your marriage or your situation. I can tell you still have alot of love for him, but he is no good for you.
The question is are you prepared to end your marriage for a relationship with this man, because he certainly is not.
Take care of yourself and your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2006): I would advise you not to get in contact with the wife. She needs space and time. Sorry to have been so harsh earlier but I know the pain of deception and I could never understand how someone can be so cruel to someone that they say they love.
Try to have a stronger relationship with your husband and focus on your kids.
All the best
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A
female
reader, a4865 +, writes (28 May 2006):
a4865 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for responding to my question. it makes me realize my mistakes. i feel terribly guilty. will it help if i talk and reassure the wife that it is her whom her husband loves? i want to tell her that i'm sorry for the pain i have caused. i want to promise her that i will never get in touch with her husband in future and keep the promise too. he had said that i may have to call her and tell her that it was just for sex and nothing else. i said let her make the decision as to whether she should call or not and if she does i will try my best to save their marriage. i feel so ashamed for the shock and pain i caused her. will me telling so to her make her feel better? or will it make matters worse? please reply....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!! Marriage is suppose to be a sacred thing. Sounds to me like you are nothing but a slut. You need to have some self - respect for your body, for your relationship and for the institution of marriage. All this stupidness that you are doing, how would you feel if let's say you have a daughter begins to do the same thing when she is older. Would you respect her just the same?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): Oh honey, i feel really sorry for you. I cant pretend to understand how you must be feeling, but i understand what it is like to be left hanging, and its pretty painful.
But you cant forget the bigger picture at hand, and that is your two children who will love you, no matter what, so you cant afford to fall apart over this man. He sounds like a bit of a coward and feels he is the only one with something to lose, he dosnt seem to have given much regard to your marriage or your family life, and it sounds to me youv'e had a lucky escape. It could be the only reason he is so desperate to hold on to his marriage is not to upset his family,their reputation and to cause shame for them in the community. If this is the case would you reallly want to be with a man like this?
It sounds to me like he has said what he could to keep you interested when nobody knew, and it was fun and illicit but everything seems to be crashing down on him and hes loosing control, and at risk of being exposed so is desperatly trying to prove to his wife he has changed and made a transformation(turning to religion). Right now he covering his own back,and is asking you to conspire with him. But the fact that he has chosen her should tell you where his priorities lie.
I know you say you fell lost and lonley, and to me sounds as though sharing him is better than nothing. But i think you know you deserve more, and your children and husband deserve more.
Try speaking to your husband he seems pretty open minded, if thats a complete no no, than perhaps try to invest more time into your family and enjoying them, instead of pining over a guy who obviously feels he owes you nothing.
I am not in anyway sugesting you and your husband are kinky, but if you both feel your marriage could do with a bit if spice or there is something missing, try exploring alternatives together, if you are both involved in forming new relationships you can be as honest as you can with each other, at every stage.
Im not saying this will make you forget about this guy, that may be impossible, but your energy and attention will be focused on other things.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2006): If you feel lost and lonely, I would firstly say that you don't love your husband and should let him find love with someone who loves him, and doesnt use him as you have. You say you feel very desperate, but imagine how your ex-lovers wife must feel. You have caused this pain, and brought it on yourself, and with all the devistation you have caused you should feel guilty. What kind of world are you bringing your children into? Surely they should come first, as opposed to 'just sex'. The best way to move on is not to cause any more pain to his wife and try to make your own marriage work.
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