A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My long-term partner Maria constantly thinks I'm checking out guys and we've argued over it.I've been with Maria since 2015; she's a professional model, although her work is largely catalogs and sportswear, nothing remotely titillating despite what people think about her job being a model; she does mainly crop tops/sports bras/athleisure and cardigans/women's knitwear/winterwear.Maria's from a wealthy American-Canadian family; I'm middle-class, so there is slight wealth disparity. By wealthy, I mean able to afford what you Americans would call a McMansion!I'm very supportive of what she does for a living, and she is of mine; my job is far, far, far more sensitive than hers that data protection law here in Canada means discussing clients would be problematic (I also do work with vulnerable adults; I'm a freelancer)She even thinks I'm checking out the male news anchors on CTV when all I'm doing is watching the news!!We've lived together since 2017.No matter how often I tell her I'm not gay, never been into guys, she won't accept it; she won't even accept "I've never even done anything to make you think this!".I've never been attracted to other men, and no matter how much I told her this sensitively, she thought I was lying, insisted most guys have had these feelings at some point, but I never had.This is our biggest argument in our six-year-long relationship.She's insistent, and I don't know why; when I tried to discuss, she just kept insisting I was checking out other guys.If anything, all I'm doing is social distancing, but she can't seem to understand that.It's put her off sex with me, and she's ignored my attempts to try and be romantic.All I've done is show common courtesy and I get treated like this?I do love her, but this is making me question the whole thing.We've got the domestic set-up of home, two cars and a pet kitten but no kids, although my girlfriend is an aunt to her sister's baby, and one of my sisters' kids (I'm the only brother amongst 4 sisters!)I don't know how to deal with this... it's a VERY NEW situation for me.I can honestly say, I've done nothing to make her think this way so cannot understand her behaviour.We normally get on well and don't have major fights, our relationship's been good, so where did these gay accusations come from?I really love Maria and want the best for her.If you could help me I'd be grateful. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2021): I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. You seem like a kind and caring boyfriend. Has Maria been suspicious since you guys started dating? Or do you think someone is messing up with her head for whatever reason. If you say talking to her is useless. Have you guys considered relationship counseling. Best of luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2021): I've been in the same industry as your girlfriend. That was long ago; but the modeling industry is full of gay-men...not to stereotype the industry, but there are many. She is paranoid of having a man who likes men; because she is homophobic, and she fears she doesn't know how to compete with a man. I might go so far as to speculate that there's somebody filling her head with nonsense. Ask her who is telling her this stuff? She may have asked one of her gay-friends what his gaydar tells him about you? Sometimes that's what's at the bottom of this kind of nonsense! Gaydar is unreliable mythical nonsense! In most cases, it's wishful-thinking; or reckless speculation!
If she can't get her head together; it's only a matter of time before you'll just decide enough is enough!!! No straight-guy is going to be able to endure this for too long! Not coming from his own woman! If she's found herself another man, or woman; this is a nasty way to shed herself of the man she has! Ask her flat-out, is she seeing somebody? Maybe another woman? Point one finger, and three point back! Suspicion can go both-ways in this kind of situation!
I think it is time that you put your foot down, and suggest that she see a licensed-professional about her phobia. You shouldn't just sit there putting up with this foolishness; when she doesn't trust you, and insists on accusing you of being gay when you're not.
If this persists, you may as well accept the possibility that you can't talk her out of her phobia! This is worse than accusing you of cheating with women; she is doubting your sexual-orientation, and the last thing you need is for her to be spreading her unfounded suspicions. Even if she does, she has no proof; just groundless suspicion. At best, she is homophobic; and she is projecting her fears onto you.
Hand her the final ultimatum. Explain to her for the last time; you've given her all the patience you can muster. You are tired of her accusing you of being a homosexual when you are not. I recommend you get yourself a lawyer right now! Start untangling your credit and assets. This woman is losing-it; and that is jeopardizing everything you've worked for.
If she is a model, I suggest you make sure she isn't on powerful diet pills; or taking meds that cause paranoia as one of its side-effects. To include her birth-control pills! It is also possible she suffers from a mental-disorder that has not yet been diagnosed; or she has hidden her clinically-diagnosed mental-illness from you. It is even possible it has developed over the years you've been together.
Her relentless persistence without any proof doesn't seem rational. It's an unfair slight on your manhood...not that being gay makes you any less of a man. Don't get it twisted!!! That is the implication from a homophobic-stance. Masculinity doesn't establish your sexual-orientation. The vast majority of gay-men are masculine! Many are effeminate. Effeminate-men can still be heterosexual.
A man is a man, born with the XY chromosome; though his sexual-orientation can vary. Even if he doesn't want to be a man, or doesn't associate psychologically with his manhood; he is, until he is not. Even then, his XY chromosome cannot scientifically be changed. His sexual-orientation is a state of mind; and if you are a man who is not attracted to men, you are undoubtedly heterosexual. No ifs, ands, or buts!!!
It's not your responsibility to deal with relentless and baseless accusations when you've done nothing to substantiate them. Her insecurity is her problem to deal with. It has now become an insurmountable or contentious problem in the relationship; and more than a man should have to deal with in a heterosexual-relationship.
She may have somebody already in-mind, and figure this is a way to frustrate you into giving-up and breaking-up. If you're straight, seems pointless to stick with a female who insists you're gay...if in fact you are not!
Suggesting you leave her is really not up to us. I think time, wear, and frustration is going to force you to a final-decision. How long can you put-up with it? That's what will help you to decide.
Let this also be a lesson to you. Don't entangle your assets, income, and credit with a woman; unless you are married to her. The law has little protection over unmarried-people who do this. Separating and dividing property and assets, is bad enough through a divorce; it's a total nightmare for people where there is no law you can count-on to help you! They end-up staying together and hating each-other's guts! Hope you're not too materialistic! The law doesn't split it down the middle for unmarried-folks!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2021): I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. You seem like a very caring and loving guy. When did your girlfriend started accusing you of checking out guys? The reason why I'm asking is just to make sense of your post! Something must have happened since you started dating that made your her lose trust in you and in your relationship. You say when you talk to her she doesn't believe you! Have you thought about councilling? Best of luck.
...............................
|
