A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years,on and off. We got back together on a serious basis in June. I am very frustrated cos his mum doesn;'t want to accept me.I am not allowed to go to his house. I feel humiliated by it, as I have never met the woman and I am a pretty respectable woman myself, I don;t know why she hates me . I work hard, been promoted 2 times, and earn my money and do well in my job. I suspect she is a bit racist ( as I am form another country). My boyfriend says he confronted his mum several times but there's nothign he can do as she won't give him straight answers about why she can't accept me. We are meant to move in together in the new year - so he is going over her word, but still, I feel he is not doing enough, not challenging her enough in order for her to even say hello to me. We're both in our late 20s. HE hopes she will change her mind once we move in together but i have my doubts. If we start a family together we would need her potential moral and psychological support, and I would hate to live in a minefield with loads of friction. Do you think he is doign enough to get her on our side? OR have you any ideas on what can I do in oder to convince her? Has any of you been through this situation?
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Well what a nasty piece of work your boyfriend has turned out to be, he is the one who is a control freak not you.
Ditch this spineless wimp!!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell.. I just found out.. the provblem was not his mum.. He kept me isolated from her for as long as he could, bad mounthing her and making me believe what a horrible person she is to him. But.. he won't leave her house.
We moved in together since I last posted... except he didnt bring any of his belongings to our shared flat. Reasons for that.. he is fighting for him mum's acceptance of me on his old home, as he doesnt wanna lose her as she is the only family he has. I believed that but after a while i found it hard to cope with the frustration and him not really having the balls to bring his belongings to our place.
Many many many times I had asked him to arrange a meeting as i wanted to talk to the woman, he cathegorically refused, told me i was goin gto ruin everything. I even showed up at her door and he told me that if i knowck on her door, he is DONE with me. So I turned away...
But last week i ddid knock on her door. And to cut the long story short. Me and his mum had a very long chat. She is not against me. She was worried he was with me because i seemed a bad influence on him, judging by the things HE TELLS HER: like: I am a control freak, i dont understand him and how hard he is working. He doesnt actually talk badly about me, but, given that he was trying to prove to his mum for all this time that our couple is a strong one... how could he tell her that? My boyfriend was in the room while me and his mum had the chat, adopting a sulking and missendorstood soul attitude. Until he stormed off, telling us that we get on so well with eachother anyway, there is no nood for him there.
Me and his mum were worried where he had lest at 11 inthe night. I resolved to call her secretly if i find anything his whereabouts, and she wuld do the same.
After a lot of drama, i did find out his whereabouts ( he was only in his favourite pub with his mates having a drink because he was upset). But before I got home intending to call his mum to tell her that, HIS MUM CALLED ME FIRST..... telling me not to worry...... because she has found out from one of her friends in the neighbourhood that her son was in that pub.....
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so that was our secret thing............
what do i make of this?
Next day boyfriend told me he needs a break from me but doesnt wanna split up. My opinion about him has lowered so much. Not only no balls to move out of his mum's house but also and telling me abou tthe reasons he couldnt move out just yet.
What do you think?
Is this a classic case of mummy's boy? The guy is 28.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat great great idea of having a secret sign just in case things go 'funny' as to save confussion on our front- mine and my boyfriend's. Thank you very much for that, never thought of it! :-)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 December 2007):
 Best of Luck Sweetie. Make sure that you read him the riot act so that she doesn't put him in the middle during the visit. A good idead is a word or phrase that you have that you can both use if you have had enough or you aren't happy with the way things are going, such as "I have to call my Boss" (make your own up). Congrats on the little victory here! Hope you and your boyfriend have a wonderful Christmas!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: well yesterday I sent word through my boyfriend that I will like to meet her for 30minutes somewhere wherever she is comfortable, I suggested a coffee shop, just so we meet and say hello. My boyfriend says she was taken aback when she heard this and then told him to invite me to their place for Christmas. He is still shocked and relieved in the same time as he feels pressure from her side dissipating and is happy I can spend Christmas with them. He thinks my initiative to meet her up might have made her realise I am quite serious about him and she can't stop our relationship. My boyfriend told her that these 4 years when she's been putting sticks in our wheels have been a waste of time and caused everyone a lot of stress and reportedly she started to cry. Oh well. Him and his brother are very happy I can come to their place and I feel this is a huge victory. I'm gonna get the woman some flowers and be at my best behaviour and let her play her little games and get comfortable with me . This is going to be an interesting xmas !!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 December 2007):
NO.
Don't allow her issues to become your issues. Don't meet for the first time under her roof where she is comfortable. She'll be on-her-back-foot if you just bide your time and wait to invite her to Yours and His NEW Home. You cannot change another human being. You can only change how you react to them. Don't allow yourself to get tied up in knots over it, it's not worth your mental stress, she's not worth it. Rise above all the pettiness and be a supportive and loving girlfriend. Don't stoop to name calling or any of the low tactics that she is using. Rise above and you will have NOTHING to be ashamed of when you look back at the beginning of this relationship in the future. You will look back and be proud that you handled yourself with dignity and respect, in spite of the lady with the flying monkeys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy bf says it is too early for him to bring me to his house, as he and his mum have a lot of unresolved issues form the past. But I feel this is just an excuse. Him having a girlfriend is different from him trying to solve his life long problems with her. I am so upset about this since apparently she bad mouths me as well to his friends. Do you think confronting her soon would be a good idea?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. I feel she's either being defensive or she's a racist b____. I feel offended by her inability to at least offer right to reply. It's so frustrating, I just want to meet her and ask her what's she got against me. She's not a child anymore, I hate adults that put on a strop like that.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (15 December 2007):
I'm sorry Hun,
I went through this 30 years ago, he was Protestant and I was Catholic, and it didn't matter a lick that no one went to church in the first place! She called me up the day before the wedding to tell me that she though I was peddling my wares (and I told her to sober up). After I had children, we were quite close and I still miss that old witch, she had a good heart and loved her grandkids.
The most important thing is for your boyfriend to stick up for you and for him to make sure that he always sides with you in front of her. You need to present yourselves always as a united couple. He has to put your needs ahead of hers now.
I would say that even if the problem could be racism, she will probably come around once you move in and are living together. She will ALSO have to come around after you have her grandchildren, but that's getting a bit ahead of ourselves!
Once you are settled, give her a few months and then invite her to dinner, on YOUR turf. I would be hesitant to meet her by yourself, on her turf. If you both invited her to a restaurant, it would also be a good neutral choice, and it's in public, so she has to be on her best behavior.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (15 December 2007):
What a nasty piece of work his mother is, don't be intimidated by the old witch. Anybody who judges people by the colour of their skin, is nothing but narrow minded bigot. As Lulu said arrange a meeting with her and see how she reacts by meeting in the flesh. She probably has been like trhat with all of your partner's girlfriend and feels threatended by any woman who dares to take her little boy away from her. I have a son who is 19 and would not dream of acting the way she is, thankfully he has a lovely gf whom I get on well with and I am gonna be a grandmother at thye tender age of 40 in May. Good luck my love Dusky xx.
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A
female
reader, LULU'S Advice +, writes (15 December 2007):
 I haven't been in a situation exactly the same as yours but my first mother in law wouldn't have anything said wrong about her little boy(he was 26).It seems to me to be a typical case of her not wanting to lose her son.Where he has relied on her to look after him ,so to speak,he will now be doing it for himself.It's like she'll no longer be needed.Does he have any other siblings who you could perhaps talk too.If it's a matter of your nationality,then it's up to his mother to either accept you for who you are.If it really does upset you that much,perhaps your boyfriend could set up a meeting between you and his mother.He is going to have to make it clear that you are moving in together and if she wants to visit she's more than welcome but you WILL be moving in regardless. Good luck xx
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