A
female
age
36-40,
*iss Potter
writes:Hi all! I have posted a question here a few months ago about my long distance relationship. It has gotten better, still no flowers, but he calls a couple of times per week, we txt each other frequently as well as email. He is comming over again - his fourth time in the 8 month that we have been together, and I went to see him once too. So its not all that bad. But something is bothering me - last time he came over, somehow he got all scared over marriage (although there was no direct talk about it, we just discussed some of our friends and marriage in the whole), he would say that he wants a family and children when we met and well few months after we met, and then when he was with me the last time he said he doesnt believe in marriage, and pretty much doesnt see himself getting married again, and maybe marriages are not meant to work. So, I got really upset of course as I am family orientated, not that I want it here and now. I wanted to end the romantic relationship and just stay friends with him, but I liked him so much I decided to continue with the relationship even though as he put it there is no future to it. Now 2 months down the line we seem both more or less happy with the settlement, we enjoy staying in touch, although occasionally he gets upset about being alone and stresses how its tough being on his own, but he doesnt want anyone but me, that he wants a day-to-day relationship with me. Then the other day he tells me how perfect I am and what a perfect wife I would be for my future husband, and some more remarks in that direction.I dont know how to react to these remarks, they make me wonder what he means by it, is he playing with me? (he knows that his remarks about not wanting to marry before upset me). Or is he testing ground, but what for? Or is he just being inconsiderate and doesnt mean anything by it (which I dont believe)...Or it could be that he just wants to stress again that my future husband will be someone else but not him...Any thoughts are appreciated.Thanks.
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flowers, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, neergqueen  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 just becareful.
guys play games.
try not to fall to easily.
keep your self posted up and hard to convince.
hes the one that supposed to be wanting to marry you.
not backwards.
best wishes!
God bless
A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (14 May 2008):
 This is a tough one to answer. You're in Latvia, but where is your "boyfriend"? I'm just trying to get a cultural read on it to add a little more perspective on my answer.
But, going with what I've got from this, I get the feeling that he's playing with you. It kind of seems that for whatever reason, he started out wanting to marry you, but something changed his mind (and for the record, I doubt that it was you or anything you did). As far as him saying to you that you would make somebody else a good wife... I'm not sure what to make of that either. It does seem like he's confused himself and as a result, is give you mixed messages on his intentions.
To me, it seems like you two need to have a VERY clear dialog on where you stand and what the future has for you. If you are set to start a family of your own and he's against it, then this is the time to make a break and concentrate on finding somebody that's more attune with your life-goals. Long distance relationships add a whole new level of problems to them than those in close proximity. What's needed here is a clear discussion and lay all the cards on the table.
You've struck a cord with me, so if you want me to share more details with you, you are welcome to contact me here.
Best wishes! ...and I hope this was some help to you.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 He is just ranting and don't read too much into that.
He won't remember what he said the next day.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Hi,
I was in a long distance relationship myself: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-wants-more-commitment-im-happy-with-the.html and have lived the incredible highs and lows. I wasn’t able to find your original post and so I know very little about your partner.
From what I hear it looks like he’s experiencing some Miss Potter withdrawal symptoms. Your relationship was obviously very meaningful to him. He appreciated having you as a more central part of his life and is obviously missing that right now. I don’t think his comments were chosen to stress that he will not be your future husband. More likely they were a pure and simple compliment directed at you or a compliment coupled with a caring comforting gesture; “You will find someone else, because you are wonderful”. It hurts hurting those you dear to you and the inability to follow up with a caring embrace makes it all the more frustrating.
I don’t know if he’s testing the ground/regretting his decision as I don’t know his situation. So I could be really off the mark without knowing his age or circumstances.
If I was coming back on my decision, I would not be testing the water nor feeling things out. There has been plenty of time to think about it and there’s not much more to poke or probe. He already has all the cards in his hands if he ever wants to play. If you do it, you do it. You decide. You get on the plane and you GO. You leap and make your intentions very clear. Otherwise you shut up and do the necessary so the other person can heal their hurt and move past it. Anything in between is cruel emotional torture.
I think he sincerely wants to compliment you. He is not over you. I don’t think he’s testing the waters; it’s just his hurting heart moaning.
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