A
male
age
41-50,
*oeM
writes:Sorry, the story below is a bit long but needed to explain my situation. Hopefully wont bore you too much!About 6 years ago (When I was 27) I had a long distance relationship with someone who I was crazy about.At the time I couldn't believe how well we connected and how attracted to each other we where, I had never experienced anything so intense in my life and I was really enthralled by this person.I had had many girlfriends prior to this, I've never had any trouble meeting women and I'd had my fair share of good relationships, I had been in love before and I had heart ache too. But finding her really felt like hitting the ultimate jackpot compared to anything that came before.Trying to make long distance work is difficult though and the relationship can become more "wanted love" than really shared love, and you put someone up an pedestal when you really shouldn't.After about 2 years of long distance I tried to make more of a commitment (i.e. one of us make a move and live together).She resisted this which I couldn't understand and the more I pushed the more she resisted. Until it got to the stage where I said you need to be with me or just let me go. She would always just say "I love you and I think we are meant to be together, so I can't let you go... I just don't want to make such a big commitment right now"But our fighting over it just got worse to the point where we just stopped seeing each-other.This was extremely difficult time in my life... to love someone so much, and for them to tell you the same but not be prepared to make the commitment was impossible to come to terms with.About 6 months later she wrote me an email saying she was moving to the other-side of the Atlantic (Europe to the USA) but she never gave me any closure or told me to forget her.4 years down the line and I am living with someone else who i love and have what I call a "real relationship" with, as opposed to "wanted/longing for relationship" like before.However for some reason I still have not let my old love fully go. I mean I am happy and love my current partner very much.But just like you miss and feel sad about someone who died... there are times when i still think about her.I don't know if I ever will be able to forget it completely.I have told myself all the logical things like; it wasn't meant to be, she wouldn't make the commitment, you made it out to be something more than it was... it wasn't real etc etc.But at the age of 33 I'm still emotional scared by the whole thing.Is there advise you can give to help me well and truly forget something like this... Given the difficult situation that it is...Or is it just similar to a loved-one that passes away, you always feel sad when you think about them, but over the years it just gets that bit easier.I really dont know...
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male
reader, JoeM +, writes (25 February 2010):
JoeM is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you to the reponses I got to my initial email.
Just wanted to give an update to say that I finally did manage to get over this old love... I used self help with cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), which bascially changes the way you look at things.
It really does work and I have to say for anyone having a hard time getting over someone... it really does reprogram your thinking about that person so you can let them ago.
I still have very fond memories of the person. But the deep longing I had for her is gone... and I no longer think about her everyday etc (something I did for 5 years). Now she is just a distant memory, using CBT I put it behind me in a few months.... try it it works
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I believe that when you lose someone that you love, it is very similar to when someone dies.
Of course you love your new partner, but are sad about the relationship you could have had with this other woman. Something did die, you hopes for a future with that partner. Of course your sad, but it dosen't mean you love your partner any less. It will get easier, and little by little you will forget. But if you loved her, then of course your going to think of her from time to time and what could have been.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): No it's not like when someone you really love passes away. THAT doesn't get any easier over the years. You simply become better at coping with it.
And no, you should never completely let an old love go. Not in your head. Not inside. You have moved on and have a new relationship that is, and must be, all-important. That doesn't mean you have to forget or to let the old feelings go. Those feelings can stay with you forever, but as a joy of what you experienced not as the sadness of loss. That takes time. That is the difference from someone dying, because you will be able to feel the joy not only of what you had but also that they are living a full and happy life - and that they quite probably look back with pleasure at some of the times they had with you.
I frequently think of my former relationships, although I have been settled now with my current partner for more than twenty year. And yes, I still feel love for those others of long ago - and, occasionally, in my most private thoughts, lust too. It's all right. It's good. And it doesn't mean I love my present partner any less or ever will.
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