A
male
age
30-35,
*ndreC.
writes:Hey everyone i have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a month and we havent seen eachother since this due 2 immigration issues and i was deported from Canada. I am in Portugal this is the story things at this point is really getting out of hand. I blame this partially on me because I at times have gotten mad at her for stupid things like her keeping me waiting etc. But I have apologized for it now whats bothering me is that im starting to feel left out, she lives with some friends at the moment and she always talks 2 them and spends time with them, for example when shes talking 2 me she will get up and say ill brb im going 2 the washroom, and then come back a half hour later. I find this rude because u should have more respect for your bf than 2 keep him waiting this long..also it seems like now she doesnt need me, for example, before when i was dating her she didnt have any friends that she could lean on when things werent going right in her life and she would talk 2 me about it and when ever we had a problem she wouldnt hangup or say bye until we were ok again. But now every fight that we have gotten into she just says bye and leaves. I think she does this cause she has ppl 2 lean on 2 and so she doesnt need me anymore I also see a big difference between the way she talks 2 me and the way she talks 2 her friends. With me she's all cold and rude and with her friends shes all smiles and it really hurts because i helped her a lot. well this is all i have 2 say what do u ppl think??is it my fault for being a bit controlling as she says but the thing is that if i were 2 say that i dont feel comfortable with her doing something she doesnt care she'll do it anyway, so im not controlling cause she doesnt listen to me. please help me im losing my mind and i want to make this work because i should hopefully be back in 1-2 months...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP THX
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female
reader, tulipdame  +, writes (26 October 2007):
I feel really bad for you, really. I just broke up with a very jealous, controlling, dishonest (also angry and alcoholic) boyfriend and I feel bad for him too. The thing is, in my case, after a while I just got to the point where things weren't worth working out. I know we love each other but I just no longer believe I am capable of ever handling all the things that divide us or that he is. And I am a lot older than you so it is harder!
As much as you want a certain outcome in life sometimes, sometimes you just don't get it, and you have to accept that. That is the hardest lesson any of us ever learn in life - we don't control the outcome. "Be wise enough to change the things you cannot accept and accept the things you cannot change." says one proverb. The best justification and guarantee we can have in life is good intentions.
So try your best with her, and that's all you can do. You are controlling, obviously, but nobody is perfect. She probably has found friends she can rely on since you've moved so she doesn't need you as much, but relationships aren't only based on need and loneliness. Ideally, they are based on trust and compatibility.
Let me say this another way: there's nothing I can say to you that would prevent you from losing her. BUT the best advice I can give you is to relax instead of driving yourself crazy with that possibility. Find a golden middle between wanting her so badly and being mad at her for living you hanging online. Ask yourself - are you really that crazy about her as a person or is it just that you have this overwhelming need to be with somebody and a fear of being alone?
And... one more thing that's really going to hurt: at your age long-term relationships are hard. You two might not make it through this. She loves you, but staying with you is ultimately a decision she makes, not an unbreakable bond. Instead of always being down on her for not keeping up her end of the bargain, accept that she doesn't have to and watch for what she does. Your heart is in her hands. Accept it. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt by her is the only way you can save yourself and your relationship.
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