A
female
age
51-59,
*AGirl
writes:HiI have read a couple of your threads on this site seeking help for my own situation. I see that many responses are unbiased and offer some solid perspective. So if you wouldn’t mind, please read about my situation and if there is anything you can offer, I would like to know.My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for about a year now. Prior to us dating, he was a very good online friend for about six years. He came to visit us three times during that time. I met him originally when he was going through a divorce and I was married. Nothing happened during my marriage. It was after the dissolve of my marriage that he professed his feelings and we took it to another level.He had a great job. He has a dead-beat ex-wife who does not provide support for their kids, who he has custody of. He was paying for my trips out to see him and for all the dates. He was romantic and attentive. Our conversations were magnificent. I immediately fell for his charisma and wit. His passion for the future and his values. He talked to the ex about relocating to my state and at the last minute … after he had no job and did not renew the lease on his house and had his life packed up in a moving truck to leave the next morning … she called and told him she was fighting him for custody. So currently (after eight months) he has not found new employment, lives with his mother and is battling the courts for custody of his precious kids. Alright, that is a quick summary of the past eight months. Now he admits being in depression. A little over two months ago, he withdrew from communication. We were on the phone, but he hardly spoke. I could ‘sense’ something was up and I did the ultimate “girly” no-no. I kept pressuring him to tell me what was up. I kept telling him that if he could just tell me I could help make it better. The more I did that, the more withdrew he became. I realize now that I was showing my level of emotional immaturity, which I am working on. But then three weeks ago, he just did not call me back. He sent me an email after failing to show up on our “date” (we watched TV, movies or played games on the phone) stating that his phone shut off. But the email came in at lunch time the following day. The pattern leading up to that was I was struggling to get him to spend time with me. He was constantly agreeing to meet me at certain times and then show up late and be too tired.Well after he didn’t call me back after that email, it took him ten days to get his phone back and he did not respond to my two emails I sent during this (air quote) break. I’m being upbeat and lively. I was just so happy to hear from him. I realize that he’s emasculated (that’s a ton of stuff for a guy to go through). I do not excuse his behavior, but I can forgive it – if there is a positive change. However, it’s just so recent that I’m not sure if I’m still being emotional. Our conversations hardly have any “substance”. He’s back to not asking about me or my life. He’s staying distracted on the phone. I’m curious to know what you think. Does he want me or not? Is this his way of trying to get his life back in order? He’s admitted that he is extremely insecure and does not feel he has value so I’m treading carefully. I don’t want to lose our friendship but at the same time I don’t want to be a “doormat”.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2008):
 It doesn't sound to me like you're being a doormat, I think you're asking a perfectly reasonable question of him. He clearly is going through a very difficult time, and I'm sure you want to be supportive of him. At the same time, you also are going through a traumatic time because your plans have been destroyed by the custody battle. So, I think you do deserve a reasonable explanation for his distance and change in behavior. I mean, you've known him for many years now and presumably have had a strong relationship which has developed into a romantic liaison.
So for him to go into this state of non-communication isn't really very fair of him. He does need to be honest with you. It may be that he does want to end the relationship but doesn't know how to do it, or he doesn't have the strength to do it. So I guess the question for you, the question you need to ask yourself, is whether you want to know for certain right now where you stand with him, which may push him into formally breaking up with you. Or if you can stand some uncertainty and distant communication for a while, but only you know how much of that you can tolerate.
You've known him for a number of years now, so ask yourself if you have seen him exhibit this kind of avoidance behaviour to anyone else or in other situations. Be honest about that to yourself, there may be have been instances where he has chosen to play ostrich rather than face a great deal of unpleasantness.
If this is something entirely new in him, then maybe it is depression or a midlife crisis brought about by the pressures of the child custody battle and life-altering move. He may feel so frustrated by the legal process and presumably the loss of his job and having to move in with his mother has left him feeling helpless. Some men cannot tolerate showing weakness to the woman that they are in love with; it could be that macho thing.
If I were you, I would let him know that you do indeed care about him and want for him to be happy and to resolve his situation to his satisfaction. I would do this gently and lovingly, without being too sappy or emotional about it. I would also let him know that I will only be prepared to tolerate the non-communcation for X number of weeks (you have to set your own timetable). Don't pressure him on the move, just let him know that you do not like the change in his attitude toward you. Don't ask 'why' anymore. All you can control is your own reaction to him; you cannot control his actions. I would then stop trying so hard to stay in touch with him, I would arrange to be out with friends often and not be home all the time. This of course will be a new pressure on him, but it may wake him up to realize that he risks losing you. If he doesn't care enough to keep you, then he isn't worth you wasting your emotional energy on. Does that make sense?
I don't know who calls whom, but after you have this conversation with him, I would give him time to process it. And I would not call him until he has called me at least three or four times.
It must be very unnerving to have this sudden change in him, but all you can do is try to remain balanced, positive, and supportive of his legal battles while not being supportive of this sudden communication breakdown. Again, you have to remember that the only thing you can control in this situation is your own behavior and your own reactions to him.
I hope this helps you put a framework around how to cope with the new him. Let us know how it goes.
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