A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 35 years old and about 10 years ago I met the love of my life. We were both seeing other people at the time. He was living with his significant other. We both worked together at the same company. We could not help ourselves and ended up having a purely physical relationship as a social one was not prudent due to factors mentioned above. Before long, we had a lot of disagreements and he left the company and me and effectively "disappeared". I learned from mutual friends that he married the woman he was living with. Obviously I moved on with my life, but never did get married.About 2 1/2 years later he reached out to me. Told me he was sorry, that his marriage had fallen apart and that he was sorry he had not given our relationship a better chance. He was bankrupt and had no money, no job and no place to live. Keep in mind that he has been a director, vp and senior vp at several technology companies, very talented, not a dead beat.I took him in and we started a life together. We have been living together calling each other husband and wife for 5 years now. Never officially married. Our relationship has been wonderful except that he has never had a "real" job, we have relied on my job for most of our money and insurance. He did start a real estate investment company and he made a lot of money which was enough to augment my income. Unfornuately real estate investment is now a thing of the past.Despite all of this we had an AWESOME sexual and mental relationship. We shared so much together over 5 years. We decided that our lives would be complete if we had a child. We tried to get pregnant, were successful but then we had miscarriage. We both were very broken hearted. We agreed to just keep trying. We did and we got pregnant again. The second pregancy was very successful. He was very supportive of me during the pregnancy, however he refused to have sex. He told me that he didn't want to hurt the baby. I explained to him that it didn't matter and would not hurt the baby, but he said he couldn't mentally. I accepted this and our baby was born 12 weeks ago and is the most perfect little boy you could ever ask for. We both LOVE him soo much and do everything we can to give him a loving home to develop in.However, he (my husband) is no longer attracted to me. He does not want to have sex at all. He has since decided that everyone in my family including my parents are worthless and actually kicked my parents out of the house after the baby was born. NOW - his mother and sister are here and have been here for a month. If I say anything about what they do, he gets mad at me. He told me that they will be staying until he decides he wants them to go home. He now yells at me about everything I do and don't do.By the way, I own this house in my name and also all credit card debt is in my name. Eveything we do is in my name ONLY. I cannot even pay all the debt that he and I have rang up without his help.I feel so desparate, I feel like I cannot even live in my house but yet I cannot take any action because I am between a rock and a hard place. I cannot work and take care of my baby because my work entails 100% travel. I cannot support my baby without working. I don't have anyone who can keep my baby for 5 days 24 hours a day while I work.He knows that he has the upper hand and he has changed tremendously since the baby was born. He says that he hates me. I really do not know what to do.I am sure I am leaving things out of the story, but I hope that someone might be able to give me some advice on what I should do and/or I can salvage this relationship if not for me, but for the benefit of my new baby.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): He says he hates you? Get rid of him anyway you can. This is not a healthy living situation for you or your baby.
A
female
reader, chonnie +, writes (25 September 2008):
This is hard, and feel your pain. i suggest you find another job that is more flexible. so this way you won't need him. you can do bad by yourself. i was in a sutiuation like this except he was very abusive. wish you the best of luck. but like i said kick his butt to the curb and if he refuses to leave tell him your going to run errands and run straight to the court house.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 September 2008):
 You say he is not a deadbeat. Has been a director of SEVERAL tech companies. Was this say in the period 1995-2001?
Oh dear. You meet him again 2.5 years later so, that is 7.5 years ago. That put it in 2000 when he is bankrupt and out of a job?
To some, this might mean nothing, as someone who worked in tech, this shouts out DOTCOM Wonderboy who rode the craze and then crash and burned.
March 10, 2000, the collapse of the DotCom bubble. An awful lot of money disappeared that day, money that never really existed but had been build up on the idea that launching any website no matter what the content was worth billions. I seen companies even in down-to-earth Holland burn through millions a month with nothing to show for it.
So, if you claim he is not a loser, I can't help but let out a hollow laugh. Sorry, but in those days anyone could become a VP, all you needed was talk the talk and venture capitol would come streaming in like there was no tomorrow.
Since then the market has re-adjusted (read: lots of people lost their job and small time investors lost their money) and suddenly your husband is out of a job. Competent people didn't loose their job or soon found new ones. Only the dotcom wonderboys suddenly found their services no longer needed. No competent manager/programmer was out of job long.
Then, what does your husband do, in real estate speculation. Another boom market and of course a bubble as well, that has since been popped.
I might be wrong here, after all he might not have worked in the dotcom industry at all, but I get the feeling your husband is a bit of a hustler, goes where the money is and rides on the success of others without actually ever getting his hands dirty with real work.
Then the market changes and he is out of a job.
In a romantic comedy, he would be the bad guy. The guy who goes over other peoples heads to achieve his goals and blaims others when he fails.
You say he made a lot of money in real estate, so where did all that go, why was he bankrupt completely before? Money doesn't just disappear unless you spend it all without any forward planning, without living in reality.
The fact that he cheated on another women when he met you doesn't exactly make him a nice guy either, you probably don't see it that way, since you are a cheater too but it is telling.
The image I get of him is of a guy who jumps at any new change goes for it completely with no planning, no safety net and then crashes and burns when things don't work out.
He crashed and burned on the DotCom Bubble.
He crashed and burned on the real estate market.
And he crashed and burned on project baby.
What you got to ask yourself is wether I am right. Is his reaction to you now that project baby has not had the result he hoped for similar to his reaction when his previous projects failed?
I get the feeling it is. He put all his efforts in the baby, perhaps for no other reason then to have something to do and now that the baby is here it is just isn't what he expected.
As for your next step, you two either need some serious counceling to sort out the mess that is your relationship or you need to take charge of your own life.
Can't work? Find other work. No baby-sitter? You had your parents living with you earlier, can't they?
You talk little about yourself so let me do a little guess work on you as well.
You are somebody who lets things happen to her, prefers for someone else to take charge. To go with the flow. You couldn't help having an affair, you couldn't help the affair not working out, you couldn't help the relationship not working out, you couldn't help falling for him when he came back... need I go on?
You still got your house, you got debt but that can be dealt with. Kick him out as with him gone your bills will be halved and you can still collect child support. Get your parents back in and get your life in order.
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (25 September 2008):
 wow, this has left me with no words....questin do u love him? if u love him then try to see whats really going on with him, he sounds emotional unstable. Is he like this because of the baby you guys lost or what? your partner sounds as if hes been relaying on you to take care of the bills in the house, and it should be other way around or 50/50. he has no right od disrespecting you or doing that to you, its your house uner your name and you have been his shoulder to leen on. respect yourself and think about your future of u and u'r baby. its not good for him to see emotional distress in his parents or verbal abuse. sometimes is better to be apart than hurting each other.
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