A
female
age
30-35,
*azedAndConfuzed
writes:Hello, I am almost 30 yrs old and have made the worst mistake. I had bn living contently in a broken marriage for 5yrs hurting everyday from what my spouse put me through. Finally i decided i deserved happiness and took matters into my own hands. I started dating. My significant other and I had not touched eachother in atleast a yr or hardly seen each other at that. I had a couple rendezvous that were mainly sexual and I was ok with that, me and my spouse had agreed we eould divorce before that though. Then ir happened, i met a guy that i super liked and i fell in love with him. We spent countless hours and days together and it was getting serious. But we never defined what was going on with us, until one day he called me his girl to a friend. It felt good but i felt bad cause i never fully disclosed my situation. Days went by and the more time passed i felt more afraid to tell him. Then i decided to lie. and say i was married but we divorced. he was shocked but said hes glad i told him and he has a secret too. That he was bi. i didnt believe him cause he acted like nothing of such, i mean i had no clue. Time passed i accepted his sexually he meets my parents we move in together. yes guys i was so head over heels for him. Thinking i could still hide my secret. He found some old post on my fb and begin questioning me and i caved. I told myself if this man truly loves me how I do him he'll understand and forgive me. Well it didnt go as planned we agreed to try to work it out but everything has been dwnhill since. He always seem upset he questions everything I do and im sure he has stepped out on me as revenge cause he has voiced that he dont like monogomous relationships he was only doing it out of respect for me before all of this. My question is should i just give up? Should i just take my losses from the mistake i made. I am still married and have no dealings with my spouse other than the fact he financially supports me. He is also in a whole other relationship himself. But my bf always questions me when will i divorce like its simple. I want the divorce but i also dont want to be struggling with just minimum wage. Advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 Firstly, you lied. Point, blank, period. You were cheating on your husband with an unsuspecting, third party and you thought you could live a double life and rope someone else in on it without having to be made to feel guilty for your deception because after all; you and your husband are basically over without the paperwork to prove it. This other guy found out and cheated on you as a result. That's what I just read. There's no excuse for what you did OP, none at all. I understand that marriages die long before being finalized sometimes but you overstepped by looking outside of the marriage without having the signatures to prove it while not even having the heart to be honest enough about the situation from the get.
The part that's really unfair is that you roped someone else in on a situation that he had every righ to to choose to have no part in would he have known. You took away his right to choose what he wanted and THAT is wrong.
Secondly, you are receiving financial help from your ex which will pose an issue the day you move on with someone else. Not many people will understand how it can be over but still have strings attached. You need to figure out how the arrangement will affect any life you plan to have with someone else in the future.
Lastly, the two of you want different things. He definitely is hurt and who knows if that's why he brought up the whole monogamy issue in the first place but the fact remains that you were in the wrong for going about things the way that you did initially.
What now? I don't know. It seems to be over. If it isn't, there will definitely be resentment there. Anyone would feel betrayed and used because if you could lie about something that big to begin with, who's to say that you won't lie about any and everything that you can get away with? Not to say that you're just that type of a person, but this version of you exists in his mind: the liar. This will probably be the only version of you to ever exist in his mind should you guys move forward with this.
My advice is, let it go, get divorced as in let the paperwork come through saying in black and white that you're divorced and refrain from "taking matters into your own hands" and lying to people that you're divorced when you're actually not. You've seen what that does, so try not to get into another situation like this again.
He has stepped out which was wrong... Then again, this whole situation is just wrong. Let it go and move on. Seek, in future, to build your own happiness without completely disregarding the happiness of the next person. He's a horrible guy and you behaved horribly in this situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2019): the main issue i see here is that your boyfriend has said he doesn't like monogamy and you do. That means no matter what your other issues, you are doomed. look for someone who shares your values and tell them you are SEPERATED not divorced.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2019):
 You should work on that divorce and some self-reliance.
Your HUSBAND whom you don't want to be with, shouldn't TAKE care of your financially. Unless we take child-support or short term alimony. He isn't RESPONSIBLE for you having a minimum wage job.
And secondly, you shouldn't LIE to someone you want to date and be with.
Someone who will CHEAT on you as "revenge" is a piece of shit and you should dump him.
There is just NO future here. HE lost all trust in you (with good reason) but acted in a way that is absolutely detrimental to a healthy relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 October 2019):
 multi issues:
Multi advice:
issue: " Finally i decided i deserved happiness and took matters into my own hands. I started dating."
Advice: No problem you deserve happiness, or atleast the pursuit of happiness. Dating, no problem. Not getting a divorce first. Problem. Fraud. You represent yourself as something you are not. it's a legal issue that is easily resolved in the USA. Emotionally ok, legally questionable, morally bankrupt. Go baCK and get the divorce.
Issue: "he has stepped out on me as revenge cause he has voiced that he dont like monogamous relationships" You like commitment, the jury is still out on monogamy.
advice: this is what incompatibility looks like. it will not help you in your pursuit of happiness. Better to find a partner who you are more compatible with. If that means giving up to you , then that is what I am advising.
issue: I am still married and have no dealings with my spouse other than the fact he financially supports me."
advice: Legally he owes you this. Ethically, you don't even live together, you are grown and should (morally) take care of your own needs. Life is supposed to be a struggle, not a long con.
A wrap up: The thing that makes great relationships lasting is fidelity. You are truthful and respectful to your partner. This is why you are in a series of short relationships. When you find someone that you can LOVE, RESPECT, and TRUST enough to be truthful with you can change to the stable long term happy relationship that you crave. Much of your trouble is of your own making. And, there is no way for me to advise your Husband, or your boyfriend.
Note: Bigamy is still illegal in the USA
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (3 October 2019):
He no longer trust you. With good reason as you have been lying to him since day one. You believe he has cheated on you as revenge for your lying. That is an extremely childish act.
Sit down with him and ask if he is willing to see a couples counselor with you. Maybe a good counselor can salvage the relationship. Although I’m not sure you’re that motivated to save it.
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