A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I'm feeling really desperate for help at the moment. I haven't eaten or been able to think straight for days. I wish I could control my feelings for this guy, but right now I can't stop it. I know its silly and I wish I could get a grip of myself, I dont know what is with me, and i hate myself for it. So this guy, I've been good acquaintances with him for a few years, and we are at the same college. I dont have his phone number and usually only bump into him now and then, we don't chat too often but When we do chat, we love the same music, both go to festivals and both love to travel. We have crazy amounts in common but were both in relationships until recently. Well we both became single from other relationships at a similar time which was 6 months ago, and I could tell he was flirting with me A LOT around about that time. We then went on a night out at that time with a group of friends and he was flirting with me like crazy, until this random girl (he only met that night) turned up and he ditched me for her. I hadn't admitted I liked him or anything but I was a bit sad when he did this, I thought he was going to kiss me but he took her away somewhere for a bit (i think he kissed her) and they appeared later on that night. I got over it after a few months and stopped thinking about him like that, after all he didnt owe me anything. Since then He always asks me if I'm going on nights out, and I've had a feeling for a while that he wanted to kiss me when we are out. Nights out since then, I didnt give him much attention and didnt flirt. Well fast forward to last weekend, we all went out, a group from college, and he was flirting with me a lot. He very jokingly said I should go travelling with him, and we chatted together all night. He was definitely the one chasing me, when I turned up that night I wasnt even into him anymore, so it was definitely all him.. but i started to reciprocate and my feelings started coming back. He kept talking to me, all night and was flirting like crazy, giving me clear signs he likes me. He gave me his coat, and took me somewhere when we were moving to the next bar.. and kissed me, for about 5 minutes. The only thing is, we were both very drunk by this point. I then treat the rest of the night like normal and hung out with my friends from the group (who dont know about this.)So this has just brought back all my feelings for him. Today I saw him a few times while in the canteen/break areas and it was very very awkward. He asked me how I felt about Friday, and I thought he meant about the kiss.. I got embarrassed and looked away making an awkward face .. then he said... I mean next Friday, the TEST WE HAVE. Whoch made me cringe, how embarrassing. So basically he hasn't mentioned anything about the silly drunken kiss and meant the test I have next Friday. Well later today when he saw me in the canteen he turned and walked out, as though to avoid me. If he is not into me, why did he do this? Should I tell him how I feel? The 'not knowing' is driving me crazy. I know he sounds like a player, but I thought he was better than this, he's had long term relationships in the past and I never thought he was the player type. He even has a twitch sometimes when he talks to me. Also I wish I could just get over him but right now I cant think about anything else. I also want to say, for as much as I sound desperate, I usually have a lot of Male attention and have never found myself in this situation. I'm actually usually quite confident with men but this has made me feel like a hormonal teen. Does it sounds as though he's 'just not that into me?' Do I tell him? Should i avoid him back? Please help :-(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019): You only broke-up a previous relationship within the past six months; so you're vulnerable, and feeling rebound-feelings towards this guy. Often, past crushes or exes appear after the trauma of separation; and they might cause a tingle, or awaken some residual-attraction or leftover feelings. That's basically the definition of rebound-feelings.
You're grasping for the protection of a relationship; and might be projecting your feelings onto someone who isn't on the same page. Though he may be attracted to you, and appeasing some of his own rebound-feelings; I think seeking any kind of serious romance is premature. You need to give yourself more time to recover from your breakup. There's a false-notion that people who have amicable breakups don't need a recovery or healing period. That's not true. You need time to detach, and come to terms with your transition from a committed-relationship to be being single and independent once again. If it was a nasty breakup, your feelings are all over the place; and most times you're not thinking straight. You're desperate and heartbroken.
You need time to subconsciously let-go of your broken-relationship; and reconcile your emotions to the fact that you and your partner have now permanently separated. You need to accept that you can survive alone. Employ some maturity, you're not a teenage school-girl anymore.
Sometimes there is a delayed-reaction, and grief hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. Especially when you come to the realization the ex may have found someone else; or have moved-on, showing no signs of remorse or regret. Then you wonder if it was ever real, or were you just being played? You'll also feel the need to get even, by showing them how we can replace them with ease. That's also a major side-effect of our rebound-feelings.
We delude ourselves into thinking we're okay, we're over them; and your current behavior has nothing to do with your breakup. You're lying to yourself. It has everything to do with your breakup.
I think you are acting on raw feelings and loneliness. I think you are also caught-up in fantasy. Placing way too much meaning behind a drunken-kiss.
He's now avoiding you, and changing the subject; because he feels guilty for taking advantage of your vulnerability, and regrets that he may have stirred-up some feelings unintentionally. He's not ready for anything serious; thus, he left you to checkout another female. He shares the common experience of a recent breakup; he also has rebound-feelings. They are unfocused and random.
He is by no-means ready for steady dating, or anything serious. If you're going through all the drama that you are; it's because you haven't healed. By all indications, you're trying to find a substitute for your ex; or an emotional band-aid to ease your pain and loneliness.
You are reliving the flashbacks of rejection that you felt from your breakup. Your grief has resurfaced for your previous loss. You are connecting two unrelated incidents. Your pain is still from your breakup; and his perceived rejection is reopening your emotional-wounds, my dear.
You're being a little crazy, and it's carried-over from your breakup. You're trying to find a replacement too soon, and you're not ready for another relationship. You're hanging everything on a kiss. You're creating an imaginary romance out of a few good chats and things you hold in-common. Snap out of it! All that stuff about travel and such was just idle chit-chat. It was the alcohol talking.
Your behavior is bordering on depression. I think you need to see your primary-care physician for a complete physical examination. Not eating and losing concentration is a bit melodramatic. I think you need to back-off and get your head straight.
Now he's nervously avoiding you; because it is evident you're not going to let that kiss go. You want to make more of it than what it is. Just write it off as one of those things. One thing led to another, but it's not worth pursuing. You're making him out to be some kind of player and all that; he's just not ready to jump feet-first back into another relationship. He can flirt with whomever he pleases. He's single!
I think you need to focus on your studies. Good luck on your test!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 October 2019):
 Yes, it sounds like he is JUST not that into you.
When you are around and there is no one else to flirt with or hook up with, YOU will do.
I mean WHAT kind of guy (or girl) will flirt with someone and when it's reciprocated they go off with someone else?
I can tell you...
Someone who just ISN'T that into you.
He probably has a twitch no matter WHO he talks to... So I wouldn't read to much into that.
Having things in common is great but it doesn't MEAN you would be a good fit OR that is he a decent guy. Being fun, flirty and good at small talk DOESN'T mean he is a good fit or a great guy.
YOU need to get a hold of you "feelings" for him. I get a crush, but you are getting WAY to far ahead of yourself by being so "into" him as you are. Which might also be why he is now avoiding you. He caught onto your crush and he isn't looking for anything with you.
You can get over him, it isn't that lard. Start by accepting that he OBVIOUSLY ins't as interested as you had hoped. When you do meet him, be polite, no flirting and no more kissing. DO NOT tell him how you feel. It will do nothing more than making things AWKWARD for you.
LOOK elsewhere for someone to date.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): Hmm .. difficult to say . Everyone has certain level of expectation from others . Say in the first scenario he had flirted with me then ditched me I would have laughed shook my head said. Ooh for goodness sake . As a guy that into you .. makes it clear, he is .
He left the canteen as he knows your thinking about the 5 min 1 kiss and he doesn't even wish to discuss it . That says it all
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): OP, you are acting totally silly about your situation. First, based on what you wrote, no he does not sound like a player! The two of you are flirting regularly, and you make no move to offer him your phone number, nor do you say would you like to meet up, just us two, for coffee, for drinks, for lunch? You could ask him on a study date, to study, to talk, to flirt, to kiss! He gave you a 5min kiss. Please tell me, what is silly about that kiss? When you meet a guy, who gets a nervous twitch around you, he is afraid to do the asking, for fear of being shot down by you. So put on your big girl knickers, and YOU do the asking! Gosh, ask him straight out for his number. Invite him to a concert, a recital, a play or whatever! You do not have to wait for his kiss either. Blow this dudes mind and kiss him when you two are alone! Trust me, you will make his day, his week, and his weekend! You sound like a great girl! This is the 21st century, and it is proper for a girl to do the asking, as well. Best wishes to you!
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