A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. My sister is 21 and yesterday told me she is in a relationship with a 40 year old man. This is her first ever relationship and they have been together 6 months. She says they are getting 'serious' however she has not and is not planning to tell our parents. He lives very far away and she has been lying to family members to cover up her trips to his house. He has never been married/had kids but has an ex whom he is still paying off debt for. I'm worried she is being taken advantage of and obviously worry about her travelling so far away with no one knowing where she is. Should I tell our parents or leave her to it?
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (23 December 2014):
I can tell by your statement that you love your sister. But you must keep in check that your sister is an adult and she has a right to see who she likes/loves.
If your sister was being abused sexual or physically, then yes, speak to someone and get assistance for her well being.
Why don't you speak with your sister. Tell her that you love her and are concerned about this relationship. Be kind, understanding and patient and most importantly supportive.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): As long as your sister is old enough by law in your country, which I imagine she is since she's 21, and she knows her own mind then I believe age is just a number. For the record my girlfriend is 22 and im 31. Not as big an age gap but people are often narrow minded these days about age gaps and only seem satisfied when people who have maybe just one or two years age difference between them, date.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (22 December 2014):
 I agree with respecting an adult's right to make their own choices (and their own mistakes) but it's a bit difficult to argue that point when said adult is still relying on their parents for food and shelter. That said, I wouldn't rush out and tell them just yet.
Besides the age difference, do you have a specific reason to believe she is being taken advantage of? And if so, in what way?
Perhaps you could take note of his full name, mailing address and contact information, that way you can get help to your sister in the event of an emergency - which should give you some peace of mind and her an added measure of protection. If she refuses to give it to you, then you could use the threat of talking to your parents 9even if you have no intention of doing that) to leverage her co-operation.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 December 2014):
 Tell your parents? She's not a 12 year old who got caught shop lifting. She's an adult. She has the right to make her own mistakes in life, and your parents.. pardon me, but they have no business with this, and neither do you.
Tell her parents... what are they going to do, ground her? Maybe I missed something, but at 21 years of age in Norway you stand on your own legs and fight your own battles, and your parents live their own lives separate from yours, and maybe you visit on holidays, but that's it. You have your own life, your parents have theirs, and you are all ADULTS. The parent/child relationship transforms once the children become adult, and treating an adult as if they were a child is taken as an offense.
My advice to you is to keep your nose out of her business. If she's truly being used/making a mistake, she will have to come to you out of her own free will if she needs help. That, or she can handle things like an adult and take care of her own problems, if she's got any.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (22 December 2014):
If by now she hasn't learned how to take care of herself then telling on her will do no good. She's a grown woman. Let her learn her own lessons at this age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): I think it is better if you have a talk with your sister and you express your concerns for her wellbeing. Bringing it to the attention of your parents may prove negative.
However, the lying part makes me think she may be ashamed of the relationship and as such do not think she is prepared for it. Regardless, as she is an adult, it will serve as an experience she must learn from.
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