A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a mostly happy relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for three years. It was him who invited me to live with him; I felt it was right and happily agreed. Since then we have had a rough period and our relationship hasn't been like they were before I moved in. He was stressed from being unemployed and then his body and mind were messed about a lot when he started shift work. Just when things began to improve he was sent to work away from home. For the last year especially in the last few months we have had to make do with communicating over the phone or online. He isn't a great communicator and these issues have made him respond to life worse. He is back home now for his holiday and has been a better person. However it seems I may have changed too; I still see him as the guy a year ago - the one who was unsupportive etc.. Those responses have hurt me deeply and I am very confused and bothered about whether I should work on it or break up? I have talked to him about it for the last few days in person; I feel better after a good cry and talk but then next day the uncomfortable feeling returns. When we mentioned about going back to just being friends it upset me greatly. I still have many moments when I am truly passionate and happy with him but these negative feelings spoil everything.What's going on!?Please help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): [EDIT] "Causing confusionn and mayhem, picking fights."
Correction: "Causing confusion and mayhem, picking fights."
Sorry!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2014): The mind and the heart conflict all the time. The mind wants to make sense of everything. Put all things in perspective, and be logical. The heart has no boundaries and makes no sense. It takes unhealthy risks and makes judgements based on little to no fact. So the two will often collide.
This is why I warn people often about breaking-up and trying to become friends, accepting abuse; or staying with someone they know has cheated on different occasions. Once is forgivable, twice is reason to take pause! The heart is willing to take the risk, but the mind is constantly asking when, why, and how?
When you overstay in a dysfunctional relationship, changes have very little value. You're mentally worse-off for wear. You can't always return to full capacity, there are always nagging thoughts. The mind asking if you've made the right decision? Are things progressing in the right direction, or does it even matter at this point? After all you've been through!
Let me take a minute to read your mind. You've thought of leaving him on several occasions; but your heart said "no?" "Stick it out!" You felt you'd be abandoning him in a time of need and hardship. That's not the kind of woman you are.
You don't just stick around when things are all good. That's okay, to a point. You have to weigh the pros and cons. Not look back on things; then wish you'd done them differently. You're in the here and now.
Your mind knows that in spite of his changes, he's still not exactly what you want in a man. He has shown you sides of himself that,in hindsight, you can't really handle.
He's changed. Maybe. Perhaps in all honesty, it doesn't seem like enough. He was probably not really all you've ever wanted in a man; but you've made some adjustments, and have feelings for him all the same. Now, they're waning and conflicted. You have even gone as far as visualizing being single and free. You miss having your own place and your total independence. Your heart makes all kinds of excuses not to make any rash decisions; but your mind is telling you what is best for you.
You just don't feel up to dealing with a breakup. That would have a devastating effect on you, and you don't like the thought of being alone. So his changes are nice; but too little too late. Your mind has begun to move on and feels the need of independence; but your heart is scared.
His being away was a relief. Guilt will not let you admit that. His coming back? Well...it isn't as great as you'd thought it might be. You still feel the damages from before.
This isn't really about giving him credit at all. It is about a decision you're conflicted over, and you don't know what to do. Correct me if I'm wrong.
The thing is. If you don't address the conflict, it becomes resentment. You'll start throwing things up in his face, accusing him of the problems in your life, and looking back on the relationship feeling like you're unfulfilled. Like you've wasted your time. Searching for blame. That's what the heart does when it refuses to face the facts. The mind knows the truth, but the heart sits in denial. Then it goes all haywire. Causing confusionn and mayhem, picking fights.
Well, your mind is telling you that maybe it is time for a change. Listen to it. Your heart ends up listening to your mind anyway; once it realizes everything you've done was in it's protection, and for the sake of finding your own happiness.
If anything I've said in response is totally off, let me know. I think you have a very interesting topic and people, including myself; can learn from the answers you receive.
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