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male
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anonymous
writes:I'm 32 and feel my life's in a rut. I'd like to settle down, get married and have a family. In fact, that's what I've wanted since I was about 17. I'm starting to think the reason I haven't settled is that I've still got a lot of growing up and roaming to do, a lot of risks to take, adventures to have and experiences to take advantage of and enjoy. Maybe I've avoided those things because of a reluctance to sever the umbilical cord. I've had 32 years of experiences but they've been a bit half-hearted and I find myself stopping short of breaking out of my comfort zone.Anyway, now that my friends are settled down by and large and I'm no longer on the youth or student scene, I feel I've missed the boat in terms of going out and enjoying myself. I'm a member of a large running club which is a good social base but I'm in danger of getting a reputation as the club swordsman!Any advice on what I might try to meet more people and get my life moving forward rather than round and round in circles? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers Frank, what you say feels right and true. It doesn't feel harsh at all.
I think I do rely on fantasy a lot. I think coming to terms with reality is key to my happiness and peace of mind. The reason I know this, and you reminded me of it Frank, is that on those occasions when I have fully accepted the way things are, a feeling of calm and maturity has settled over me and I've felt pretty good about myself. I just need to make it a good habit.
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 Hey dude,
What I am about to write is not meant to be harsh, but I think you may need a dose of reality.
Not everything works out. Many of us who were brought up on media have this "happily ever after" complex where we are unable to cope with basic realities and life dissapointments.
You MUST come to terms with reality.
The girl you write about...the life you could have had with her exists only in your head...not reality. You are mourning a fantasy, not the truth.
That degree is the same thing.
There is no guarenttee that anything works out.
Some people beleive that everything happens for a reason, and it does help people to cope with stuff. I beleive this. When bad things happens I take it to mean there is something I MUST learn, becuase another opportunity is coming up in my future that I must be ready for, and this was the tap on my sholder that was to get me ready.
My book covers this in Base Philosophy of Life # 9, and in the RUle of Relationships about ignoring Intellectual Constructs (i.e. Living Happily Ever After). I hope it helps you, and that I was not too harsh.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you folks.
I look forward to reading your preview Frank. I agree it's necessary for us to feel like complete entities before we can love. For me, this feels like it's about rediscovery.
OK sob story time! I suppose we've all got one and this is mine. I met the woman of my dreams when I was 18. I think it happened at that time because I'd just gone up to university. I was quietly excited by my newly found independence. I wasn't searching for anyone or anything to complete me. I missed an opportunity to demonstrate my feelings for her though, partly due to fear of rejection I think, plus she was seeing someone else and a relationship never developed between us after that. Ever since that moment I feel like I've been living a substitute life. She is married now.
The other time I felt a similar sensation of "this shouldn't be happening" was when I didn't make it into the medical school I'd dreamed of. I remember thinking, "This isn't the way it's supposed to go. This isn't my life." I did biology instead and ended up going to the same university that the medical school was in to do my doctorate. I did well, I achieved but what did I achieve? Again, it didn't feel like the real McCoy.
So I'm clearly still having difficulty mastering the idea of destiny. Maybe I'm too hung up on control to let go enough to let destiny happen.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (19 June 2007):
My only advice is to tell you that a woman you date/marry is not going to fill in the missing void in your life, if that missing part is on the inside of you.
You need to feel like a complete person before you get serious with someone. Like you said you need to grow up.
You need to learn about yourself, and change all the things in your life that hold you back. For this I can help.
I am going to give you a free preview of my book I'm A Man, That's My Job. Free view of all 278 pages. It is a workbook to help boys grow up to men, through writing exercises, and directed actions for you to find yourself as a man.
The first three chapters should give you what you need.
Go to http://www.lulu.com/content/875062
ANd then click: PReview this book.
It will have the answers you seek.
I have been where you are, and I am now where you want to be. Engaged to the woman of my dreams.
-Frank B Kermit
franktalks.com
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male
reader, bloke44 +, writes (19 June 2007):
Hi! Well, I agree with the dating site thing but there are dangers!! Firstly, some of the sites are entirely frivolous and filled with married thrill seekers (i found dating direct pretty good)secondly, i found it really easy to get excited about someone based on profiles and messages but found that on meeting it was often different - danger being an inclination to go out with someone based on a feeling before actually meeting. Third, it is easy to end up emailing several people and i found it better to try and narrow things down a bit and not go on too many dates - there's no rush! Also, beware becoming a player!
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (19 June 2007):
 You could try joining a dating website in the comfort of your own home so many people i know have done it and met their soul mates that way, you can pick and chose if you don't want to speak to someone then don't and the great thing is straight away you can tell from their profile if they have the same interests as you.
Ans as for missing the boat going out clubbing and enjoying yourself HELLO you are 32 not 72 you have plenty of time to have loads of fun and you will when you have met the right person, and all the things you have wanted to do you will be able to share it with someone.
Take care.xx.
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