A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone, I've been following this website for a few years and always been impressed by the advice given so thought I would give it a go. Please don't judge me in my problems, I need help.So nearly 4 years ago, I was in a relationship, my first proper relationship, with this guy. First love and all that. Except it turned very sour very quickly. We lived next door to each other in halls, which meant it got very intense almost immediately. However it wasn't a happy relationship ( and in hindsight we should never have even been together). Towards the end. it became abusive. Physically, emotionally and sexually. I won't go into details but you get the idea. Then after a year together he left me for someone else. This....broke me a bit. And it set off a massive chain reaction. 3 years down the line, I have failed my degree, been kicked out of university (and re admitted under appeal) developed and been diagnosed with depression, social anxiety, Trichotillomania, had one failed suicide attempt and put my parents under so much stress and worry. My problem is this: I failed university (definitely this time) and won't be readmitted. How on earth do I tell my parents?They don't know about how bad it got and what happened. They know about my mental health issue but i managed to fob them off with some chemical imbalance story. How do i tell them that i've failed my degree and won't be graduating after all? They're so excited. They've supported me emotionally and financially throughout my time at University. I'm dealing with the issues surrounding the story, i.e. the abuse and its consequences, but right now, i need to somehow tell them whats happened. I fear this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak. I might also add, that it wasn't through lack of trying, or not attending lectures. I really did try after my appeal was successful...I did my essays and did attend my lectures and seminars...I just kept failing.Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 OP, you wrote: "Please don't judge me in my problems, I need help." So you've had quite a few aunts offer their advice. Are you seeking that help now?
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 April 2014):
 I wish I had a pound for every heart broken by somebody at Uni, I would be a rich woman.
I have seen the devastation it causes from anorexia to just giving up Uni altogether
At least you gave it your best shot, which is all you can do.
Now, tell your parents you failed BUT try to find a positive too, like 'as I have flunked I have decided to persue....as a career path' You will probably find learning on the job suits you better too, new surroundings and people.
I am sure if they see you aren't just giving up and sitting in your room, they will ultimately just want you happy. That's all parents want for their children.
Sort each problem out one by one, you haven't failed at life, it's merely a hiccup. You know you tried your best and so will your parents.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): I am a mum with a daughter who very nearly failed university. Like you, she had to appeal to be allowed back in. She was 'screwed over' by a very weird and nasty boyfriend, someone studying politics at university, who made her believe she had mental health problems, which she doesn't, but she did have low self esteem, despite being physically beautiful and a lovely person. The boy - and I call him 'boy' because he was incredibly immature - really got under her skin, despite being far below average in terms of stereotypical attractiveness - she has a tendency to 'rescue' people and things and she fell into his trap because she felt sorry for him.
She hid from me how bad things got, and it was only at the last minute that she finally told me and I was able to help her to appeal. What became very clear was that, despite us being so close usually, she had not told me about flunking her grades because the boy involved in her life had messed with her head and she felt ashamed. When I did find out I went 'all out' to help her. The MOST important thing that we were clear about was that she MUST tell me if she started failing again in her grades. Thankfully she was allowed back on appeal but we agreed to keep communicating about how she was feeling and about her grades. It worked for her - just being able to keep talking to me about it allowed her to feel stronger.
I know it's late in the day now but I just wanted to point out that the "ostrich" syndrome that is easy to fall into is the biggest mistake you've made and I can understand why but wanted to say to you IN FUTURE you must, please, learn not to fall into this trap. It seems like you stopped communicating with your parents after your appeal and so could not get the help that could've saved you. If you don't communicate that you need help, you start to believe that you can't keep doing the work and that you aren't good enough, when it might only need someone to talk it through and to give support.
Please don't fall into this trap again, however hard it is to speak up. It's absolutely vital to keep that link going between people and yourself. This is the key mistake that was made and I feel so sad that either you or your parents did not establish a healthy habit of communicating. I'd urge you to really learn to put this in place in future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): You haven't let anyone down- You've been screwed over by the biology... You need to stop beating yourself up because you've got some serious underlying psychological issues that have caused you to let yourself be appallingly abused to such an extent... Suicide attempts, depression and the like... Anyone who has been depressed will understand that your actions and the abuse you've been subjected to isn't due to apathy or bad behaviour on your part, you're just another mentally ill person that needs help. -Mental illness IS stigmatised and it's a LOT more common than people realise. Even on a small scale there are people that are always excessively anxious, obsessive and have addictive personalities. Everything in this universe is too complex to fully understand, and it's futile to overthink and overanalyse, dwell into a downwards spiral... If your parents are remotely compassionate, normal people, they're going to be shockingly worried about the state of your mental health- you've taken the burden of your trauma for so long, without getting help sooner, or shared with them the agony you've been through- in comparison bad grades and wasted money is NOT going to be of much concern to them... Of course they'll be disappointe that you did to let them help you were you were in need if it most but they'll sooner or later understand that in certain frames of mind, doing rational, essential things can be impossible. I remember when I was at my worst, I attempted suicide, i could hardly eat for about a week before, woke up shaking, crying, my family tried to get through to me, I was just frozen- it was like a switch in my mind and you can't attempt to rationalise it, or understand, n crazy hard to control. Obviously I didn't tell them I was planning to end my life... You say you've been diagnosed recently- well you need to keep down this path until you reach salvation. Don't think of uni. Think of your health. You need to let your parents in, tell them EVERYTHING. However you can- in a letter even. It's not the ideal way but however you do it doesn't matter, as long as it comes out. HonestlyI, if I were a parent, I would 100% spend whatever money was required to get the therapy n help you need. University is not an issue. Happiness and health is life. Like tisha said, you have a rehabilitating condition that CAN be treated. Keep searching til you find the help you need. Don't give up, many doctors are clueless! I'm not a doctor but read a lot, been through a bit- medication is often used to stabilise your brain chemistry, and prep you for therapy. You need a mixture of both to recover...I've rambled on haven't i? Lol! Well take care anyway, and I wish you well :) x We're here for you :) x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): I worded it poorly; I don't believe that the abuse couldn't be a big factor; it truly can render people traumatised for years. However, the original poster is struggling with more than just the abuse and sadly, as she has been lying to those trying to help her, she hasn't been able to get the support she needed to move forward from the abuse (at least partially).I find it incredibly understandable that you, original poster, felt overwhelmed by everything you were trying to do all at once and felt confused about how to tell your family. That said, if you really felt determined to do well in school, I believe you would have found a way to get the message across that you needed a break and lots of help.I don't blame you for not knowing how to tell them, but they deserve to know because it was their money and they've been worried about your health for a long time. They should be told about your abuse (the more they know, the more they can support you) and you need to feel strong enough to progress past all of this so that you can return to studying, if that's what you want to do, in a couple of years when you're more prepared to handle it all.In the meantime, prioritise:- being 100% honest with your parents- seeking long-term counselling- allow your parents in with your counsellor to help you plan your near-futureI wish you the best of luck with it all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): The fact that you could even attempt a degree whilst going through all of this is remarkable and deserves praise. In your situation I think you may well be able to resit the modules you failed one by one? I guess you have passed some single modules earning you credit points etc, these might be added to other courses at a later date, maybe.
PLease provide more info on what you have actually failed on? do you not get resits?
You have special circumstances and this needs to be discussed with the university and proof in medical notes.
Don't be too quick to say the word FAIL it may just be taking you longer to get there.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 April 2014):
 At sambrad - suffering from sexual abuse is something that still affects women years and years later. Sometimes, it doesn't even start causing side effects until a handful of years later, rearing it's head in the form of PTSD. Not putting your answer down in any way. I just wanted to point that out.
The sexual assault is NOT your fault. Nine of it is. I think you should tell your parents.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2014):
You were abused then abandoned. You never sought help for the abuse at the time and as you played ostrich. Depression can be thought of as buried anger. The suicide attempt was probably a cry for help which no one noted. Did your parents not know about that?
Medication may help but I think you need to zero in on what triggered the cascade of events.
http://www.womensaid.org.uk has a lot of resources in this.
Frankly, I would have this conversation with your parents with the help of your mental health care provider.
Mental health is stigmatized. If you'd had cancer or an infection, you'd have had no problem telling your parents and asking for their support.
Because it was a mental health issue, you hid it.
Think of it this way. You have a debilitating condition that can be treated.
Address it that way with the help of your mental health care provider.
Your parents would want you to be healthy above all else.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 April 2014):
I can't directly relate to what you're going through personally, but from what my girlfriend experiences and has experienced in the past, and from seeing how similar experiences have affected her very similarly to how they've affected you, I can definitely sympathize.
Her biggest issue has always been school, as well. She couldn't keep up. Not because she's not smart as hell, but because she's just struggling with certain issues that get in the way. She would start to fall behind and then get overwhelmed and become even more depressed and anxious, etc. And the more anxious and depressed she got, it became even harder for her to keep up, so she'd fall behind even more. It was a viscious cycle. Before she knew it, she would drop all of her classes except for one or two and still barely get by in those.
Her final solution was to take some time off from school until she can get to a better place emotionally. Until she's there, she won't be able to perform the way she's capable. She wants to get her PhD, and she's super smart, so I know that's completely possible. She just needs to get healthy first before she can do that. She's only got one more year left. So right now, she's just working on herself. She's in therapy, and getting her life back together.
As for you, you have no choice but to come clean to your parents. They will be upset, no doubt about that. But they will get over it eventually. Just be prepared to be completely honest about what's going on in your life. Brutally honest. You may need to be prepared to take some flack from them, but that will subside eventually. They ultimately just want you to be okay. They love you and want what's best for you.
Why don't you move back home and get yourself into some counseling? Then you can start back at a community college and work your way back up again, once you're in a better place. Your life isn't ruined forever. This is only temporary. Remember that. It's important to keep that in mind.
You're human. What happened to you and how you've responded is completely normal. And none of it was your fault. But you need to take this as a sign that you need to get some help so the rest of your life isn't thrown off track also. You'll be just fine in the end. I see this as a potentially good thing in desguise right now. It's an indicator that you need to get some help. You'll look back years from now and remember this time and be proud of how far you've come. Trust me.
You will be okay. And your parents will forgive you. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): If you can't handle something on your own (like mental health problems or abuse), as hard as it is to tell people, it's logical to ask for support. Your parents have offered it to you in spades, so please just tell it to them all in one go when at home with them.
They will be angry, frustrated and disappointed, but mostly about you hiding your situation from them, so just be completely honest and upfront from now on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): Thanks for your answers, and thank you for being so kind and actually taking the time to help me! WiseOwlE: I think I should clarify a few things that I didn't in my original question...I have only very recently been diagnosed with all this psychological conditions. And my doctor thinks they have been missed for many years. However I still am in the trial and error phase of trying to find the right medication for me. I also want to put right the 'deception' accusation. Yes I have been deliberately deceptive. This is was because I had (and still have) no idea how to tell them (or even if I should) about the abuse I suffered. I promise you I'm not playing on any mental illness. Although quite how someone could play on a mental illness with these kind of circumstances I don't really understand. This has been a constant battle with myself for 3 years. I was made to feel like sexual violence was my fault and I deserved it. If I'm being really honest, I just squashed it all down and stuck my head in the sand and ignored what had happened to me. It was too hard to deal with. I didn't deceive my mum and dad with the intention of hurting them. In fact it was the opposite, I want to make them proud, and not to let them down and that's all I've done. Is let them down. Allof this kind of came to a head in January and I was diagnosed after my suicide attempt in early February. Of course they asked about my grades, and in my first year they were quite good, in my second year is where it all went downhill. I should have made myself more clear, they know about the appeal and know I've always struggled academically. But after a while of being a bit cross they supported me and always have been very supportive...I just don't want to let them down any more than I already have...Thank you so much guys, I really do appreciate all your advice!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I think your parents would be more concerned about your well-being and mental-health. Seriously? Don't you think?
Psychologically, you've been through the wringer. You could have let them know things weren't working out; before they wasted so much money.
They may be upset; but they would be more concerned that you weren't honest with them. I'm more than certain they would be concerned about failing your degree; but there seems to be bundle of issues that could have been adjusted and worked-out, if they knew before-hand. Oh they'll be more than peeved!
Tell them now, and face the music. Don't keep waiting and letting the anxiety wear you down. There are other programs that may be less strenuous on you, and within your academic abilities if your find another school.
You have priority issues; and maybe you played on your mental-health issues a bit, to get around applying yourself to your schoolwork.
It was over some guy. Your problems didn't all come from your inability to handle your studies. It came from neglecting them. Otherwise; I'm certain a mental-health professional might have pulled you out of school on medical disability, if he or she thought it was too much for you.
So I'm really not certain how honest you're being even now.
They never once asked about your grades? That's odd.
I'm sure you missed a lot of classes. If you suffer clinically-diagnosed depression; it would take time to recuperate and to respond to treatment. That would also effect your concentration.
What sets me back, is the fact you said you were purposely deceptive about a chemical-imbalance. You were creative and lucid enough to mislead them. That's what they'll be angriest about.
Call them and tell them the truth.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 April 2014):
 Some of our greatest thinkers will tell you that "failure" is simply not getting right one of the steps to your success.... I think it was Thomas Edison who said that he invented dozens of light bulbs that didn't work.... but, each showed him one MORE way NOT TO MAKE the successful light bulb!!!!
Soooooo, tell your folks, straight-up, that you are not going to graduate this Spring. Let them tell you that they are disappointed in you (if they choose to do so). After all,.... it won't be news to you, will it???? AND, you're probably doing a pretty good job of beating YOURSELF up.... as I read your submittal....
NOW.... put all this (the content of your submittal) behind you.... Look at where you are... and where you would like to go... then set off TO GET THERE!!!!
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Biibi  +, writes (24 April 2014):
Your parents will support you, you shouldn't be afraid of telling them the truth (except if they have a history of being abusive).
I also told a big lie to my parents, and I thought it would be the end when they knew the truth. To my surprise, they have been very supportive despite my decision (which they consider is a wrong one).
I know what it feels like having to deal with depression and university. It's natural that you couldn't cope. But your parents are there for you and they will help you, don't hesitate to talk to them. The mode you delay telling the truth, the more anxious you will feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): OP they won't give a shit about your degree in the way you think. All they care about is you being happy and healthy.
They'll be disappointed of course, but only for you and what it means to your life and they'll be very worried about what that might mean for you mentally.
Come up with a plan. Get yourself a job, come up with a plan on how you're going to move forward in your life and be a happy independent adult. It doesn't mean you need a career straight away but it does mean you will know what you will be doing for the next few years and you will also be getting treatment. You need to be able to show them you're okay with it, that it's not the end of your world and you're already in the process of moving on in your life.
You should have kept them informed about how bad things had gotten, and you're going to have let them know that too.
But if you can approach them with your solutions to how you're going move forward, how you're going to get better and how you're going to move on as an adult they'll be okay with that.
OP if I were them all I'd care about was that this could have been an achievement for you to look back on and be proud of. Something you can hold onto as a source of pride. The biggest disappointment for me would be for you, not that you failed, nor that there was money wasted but that it may fuck your head up even further.
OP they nearly lost you for good, make sure they know this is not a reason why that may happen again. It can't be, OP, you can never consider that an option again.
The only option you have is to fight to live, to fight to be happy again and be the woman you want to be.
A degree was never going to give you any of that. You were always going to have to move in that direction anyway. The only difference being that you now have to make alternate plans career-wise, but you don't have to make them for a long time.
For now get a summer job in Primark or something, start putting your money away and keep/start getting treatment.
Because all they care about is that you have a life, and one that makes you happy.
If when you tell them that you won't be graduating and why, with a plan in place as to how you're going to move forward in life they'll be okay with that. They just need to know above all that they're not going to lose you because of this, they need to know that while you're disappointed, you realise it's not the end of the world and you already know you're going to be fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I think this was the wrong time for you. I'm not sure that, 3 years later, you can still use the abuse as main factor, but I don't blame you for struggling; it's not easy when you battle depression.
Are you continuing counselling for it all? If not, I believe you need to so you can handle this and move forward.
You're just going to have to be upfront and honest with your parents; they can't help or understand if you lie.
You'll have to deal with the consequences, but they sound supportive, so don't panic.
Write down what you want to say and then tell them calmly, or give them a letter with it all in so they can read it (with you present) and process it as a family.
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