A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. This is more of a life question than relationship question and I know this is not the place to ask but it’s been on my mind ALOT and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.Here goes...when are we deemed too old to get married? To have kids? To have a mortgage? I always said by the time I turn 25 I’m going to be married with at least 1 child and a home and a good job and to be honest I’m just a few month away from turning 30 and out of all that the only thing I have is an ok job. My life is so unbelievably far from what I wanted it to be and my mother reminds me every 2 seconds and my reply is always the same. We all have our own paths and timelines and I’m exactly where god wants me to be and everything happens for a reason and I do genuinely believe that but I still can’t help but feel like a failure. My partner is 5 years older than me and wanted to be a dad by the time he was 30 which clearly hasn’t happened and he’s one depressed lump that now doesn’t want to kids as we’re too old and doesn’t want to get married as we’re too late and I now feel the same. We argue about this a lot because to his face I’m all no we’re not because deep down I want it but don’t think it’s going to happen for me. In conclusion, my biggest fear in life is being a failure and I’ve realised this past week that I am exactly that. A failure!! I dropped out of university, I’m in a mass of debt, I have no husband or kids, I obviously don’t have a mortgage either, I’m with someone whom all we do is argue over money, marriage and babies, I lie to everyone about my life and most importantly I lie to my parents so that they don’t know just how much of a disappointment I am as I am nothing like what they wish I was.Life sucks...can’t afford to live, can’t afford to die.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 October 2019):
 Comfort eating is a bad habit, and not all that uncommon. I myself LOVE good food and it took me YEARS to be good at portion control after I had knee surgery and was unable to run as I used to. And bike riding. Those two things helped me lose the weight I gained after surgery. And I used the same method later in life to lose weight again in a healthy manner.
The best advice I can give you there is find substitutions. Like, when you feel down and want to reach for "let's say potato chips" drink a glass of water, nuts, fruit, veggies or even better go for a walk, a bike ride. If you have joint pain swimming is really good exercise.
CLEAN your cupboards out from junk food.
I'm sorry about the PCOS, that sucks. I have two nieces with that issue as well. One will probably never have kids, and one has had 3 kids. I know how painful it is and draining. SO *hugs* on that account.
Adoption, might also be something for you and your partner to consider. But again, I'd wait until that debt is down.
And it's OK to not put on a facade all the time. But trying to be positive is good, you just NEED to do that TO YOURSELF too, be KIND to yourself as much as you are to others. You deserve kindness too.
Don't give up
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for both your answers...sometimes good for someone to just simply be like snap out of it!! Must say though that I am extremely positive to everyone but myself (no one has any idea how I feel inside not even my partner because to the world everything is fantastic and I don’t get much alone time to ‘self pity’ but when I do it’s bad!) Also debt is in hand. Got professional help last year but still going to be a few year before completely clear.Babies...I have PCOS and no one knows if I can have kids or not and no one will help unless I lose 5 stone and that’s a vicious circle as I’m constantly on a diet and constantly failing as I’m 1,000,000% and emotional eater and like i said earlier no-one knows how I feel and food is my comfort. I know this. I’ve tried to stop this but need to get out my rut which I’m thinking won’t be until I’m clear of the debt because that will be a load lifted and I won’t be lying anymore! Once again, thanks both for your replies!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019): Please , please read a book called Way of the peaceful warrior, a book that changes lives by Dan millman its available in audio as well it teaches you about how having success and achievements don't really matter as you can lose everything tomorrow in an instant. Happiness is obtained not by what you do but realising there is no point in life just to live it, accept yourself as a person and accept you as you are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2019): Your not a failure at all. Everyone goes through these things no one has every thing they want in life. We all have made bad choices and mistakes but life is about just living there is no purpose to it but to just live don't pressure yourself because at the end of it we all end up the same in life no matter what you done in life.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 October 2019):
Wow, this is so sad to read.
No, you are NOT too old for marriage EVER. MY uncle married at age 71 for the 7th time! He ISN'T giving up, so why are you?
There are no EXPIRATION date on getting married.
There ARE an expiration date on being fertile and you are FAR from that. However, there might be a MEDICAL reason why you haven't conceived yet, and there might be an EASY solution to that too. You won't know unless you explore that.
Your BF sounds like Eeyore. Like life is doom and gloom. Jezzz what a sad sack! I had my YOUNGEST at 35, my OLDEST at 30. And I don't feel like an OLD parent. Never did. I think in many cases not being a teenager when you have kids is an advantage in parenting. At least for some. You have a stable home (usually) by then, you have life experience and a family-structure to RAISE a child in.
My husband and I are FINALLY looking to buy a house. We are 50! so ANCIENT compared to you two. DO you think that stops us? No. No one is saying that by age this or that you have to have a house the size of Texas, NEW cars, the latest fashions, being able to travel and party OH an raise the "perfect little kids.
Wake up, OP
SET yourself some GOALS. Start with smaller ones and GO for them. Once you accomplish one, you go for the next.
And tell your mom, that you love her but that she needs to back off with her criticism. IT's not helpful. And you are fully CAPABLE of thoroughly criticizing yourself.
How does constantly beating yourself up help? It ONLY makes you feel worse. So instead of these pitty parties you and your BF are throwing for yourselves, DECIDE what GOALS you two have and GO for them. Some you will reach, some you will fail but you will STILL have learned something on the way.
You aren't going GET things in life just handed to you.
And living a lie is never healthy either.
Is your BF the one for you? The RIGHT one.
And like WiseOwlE said, starting with working on eliminating your debt is definitely a good start. That might mean you have to SET a tighter budget, get a weekend job for a while/second job.
Get the debt worked out. Get it whittled down. You CAN NOT get a mortgage beforehand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): I think you have allowed false expectations to get the better of you.No one in the world can confidently predict when they will get married or have kids.Some couples who get engaged at 17 yrs might be able to confidently say: ' we expect to get married in a couple of years and have kids a few years after that!' They may have all the plans in place and may already be secretly saving a couple of 'night in ' money when their friends are blowing cash in fun nights out, but even then they will still face an element of uncertainty.Someone has taught you to expect the rewards without putting the groundwork in.Maybe your mum's expectations that she will be a grandmother by 50 yrs is driving this misery forward.Your mum needs to expect your life is your own.You are absolutely correct in saying you believe everyone has their own pathway.They do.And there is no imaginary timeline that you have to conform to.Not enjoying university and dropping out could be the result of a million things.You could be on a course you didn't enjoy.You could be at a university that isn't the best place for you.You could have hidden learning difficulties that make an unstructured learning style even more difficult.You just need to rethink and replan and set yourself new objectives.Perhaps you would prefer something more vocational or maybe you could get a job at a giant retailers and steadily work your way up the ladder.All this is your choice.But to berate yourself for not having kids is tragic because it is not always an easy pathway and you are nowhere near to old to do so.Your fella is on the same page as your mother by making everything an arbitrary time zone.What makes him think he's too old to have kids at 30?Men in their 70's to 90 's still have the seed capacity to make a child with a woman.Is your guy a trans fella secretly using his age and your age to account for why he knows he can't have children?Because a trans man knows it will never happen because they have no seed.You can get pregnant.25 is no problem, none whatsoever.So you need to look at the world from a wider perspective and you will see that you really do have your own pathway.Material things are good, even great.Children are good, even great.But your life is your own to live and I would like to think you can move beyond the invisible bonds that others have trapped you into thinking can define you!There's so much more to you.Worry about running out of time when your 39 yrs and then remember that it still doesnt preclude you from having children.I personally know at least two women who both had a boy and a girl the other side of 39yrs and all the children were healthy and fine in every way.For sure you are depressed right now because you need to change somethings.Wise owls tips are admirable if you suffering guilt from all that lying.But you need to figure out why you felt it necessary to lie in the first place and it just might be that you were trying to live up to false expectations of your own or others.Once you abandon the concept of living up to other people's false expectations you may be able to find a rewarding kind of happiness in not having to justify why you haven't done xyz yet.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): Hi OP. Let me say that i am thankful that you do believe in GOD! Only GOD can judge our successes and failures! You are with the wrong man! He has pulled a bait and switch scam, on you. First you both want kids and marriage. Now this character deems that 30yrs of age is too late for kids? For marriage? Wtf? If he choses to not marry or father a kid, then so be it. However you need to meet a good man who loves you, just the way you are, once you leave that user con man bf! I bet 30 isn t too old for sex, in his mind, and so he is using you! Womens biological clocks run til at least 40yrs! Ideally, try not to push that envelope. I know that there are good men, in your area, who will gladly want to be with you, to be a loving husband who would be honored to be the father of your kids! Never underestimate GOD and HIS ability to make thing occur! Leave the deadbeat even if you must stay with your parents a while. That will be humbling, but GOD LOVES humble people and HE opposes the proud! Pray and I will too! Xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): Get a part-time job, and find a legitimate credit-counseling agency to help you to manage your debt. Take some online-courses from an accredited college or university. Your life is not bad, it's disorganized.
Stop lying! It only makes you feel worse, because you're only telling yourself how disappointed you are in being who you are. You're not even 30 yet!!!
You have the typical millennial-mindset that I should be this or that, or have this or that, by some preconceived timeline. Life doesn't always work according to plan, sweetheart. It has curves, bumps, hills, valleys, roadblocks, and dead-ends. Our job is to navigate our way through it. Recalculate or reprogram when plans fail, or when we hit a glitch.
Surround yourself only with people you trust. Those who show you love and support. Not people who make you feel ashamed or belittled. Don't run in cliques of snobbish high-achievers; they know when you're lying, and enjoy exposing you. You'll be humiliated and disgraced. It's not worth it.
People who put themselves down and smother themselves in self-hatred never accomplish anything. They become what they accuse themselves of being. They keep telling themselves they're a failure, so they fail. They get depressed and lose hope; so there's no hope. They lie about things; so they forget how to believe and tell the truth. Now you're in a rut. Afraid anyone will discover the truth! It must be quite confining!
Your first priority is to get yourself out of debt. If your relationship isn't healthy, get out of it too! Postpone any serious dating and relationships; until you get your life in order. Share some companionship, have some fun, date now and then; but your life lacks focus.
You went off-course when you got someone too mature for you at the time. You dropped out of school; because you were lazy, rebellious, and distracted. Now you're moping and groaning about such and such. Just cut it out! Stop it! You're still in your 20's for crying out-loud!!!
Okay, now you've vented your frustrations and wallowed in self-pity. You're only in your 20's, girlfriend! Did I say that already? Go cleanup after yourself; and undo all those lies you've told everybody. Take that weight off your shoulders. Divert all that energy and effort you've put into whining, lying, and self-degradation toward something positive. Make your life a work in-progress, and your new construction-project. Set reachable and reasonable goals. Pace yourself, you can't afford to rush. Rushing makes too many mistakes!
Grow-up! Look at things like an adult. Not as a entitled spoiled-brat! You got yourself in a pile of debt by wanting too much before you could afford it; and showing-off to backup the lies you tell people!
Wipe your nose and get to work, girlfriend! Kick him (your boyfriend) to the curb! If you need to move back home, have a talk with mum and dad at the kitchen table. Tell them the truth. You need some love and understanding, and a pep-talk from the people who love and support you. Stop lying to them; so they can give you the support and advice you need from them. Yes, they will scold you and be disappointed. More in your dishonesty than your failure!!!
Come-down off your false-pride and humble yourself. Create something real, and replace that facade you've hidden behind for so long. You're not a failure. You've lost your way. Go back to church or worship, and pray for guidance. Seek something good for your spirit, and things will start to change.
God bless and guide you, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019): HiyaOh dear the depressed lump has infected you, you have taken on his belief system ( which is way out of tune with reality). He needs to seek help for his depression and you need to wake up! the two of you will spiral down together if you carry on in this mind set, either pull each other up and change your life make it more interesting and fulfilling or end the relationship.You are still very young to do ANYTHING you want, old is in the mind even old people climb the highest mountains and have adventure. Getting married will not solve your problems and a mortgage will certainly not help or solve your problems, why on earth do you want to trap yourself?You have your health ( I hope you do anyway) therefore you are blessed with many choices of how you want to live your life, you are creating your own barriers. Yes, I too believe God has plans for us but not every step of the way, we have to be brave enough to step out and find, explore, build, try, and choose, we should not sit waiting for fate to knock at our doors, build dreams and make them happen with Mr G still in heart.Change your perspective on life and the age benchmark, it's a load of codswallop. I see old people/patients at work in hospital, who are LIVING right to the end....that's when it's too late to fit anymore in (at least until next time).One of the most interesting old man patients I remember and always will, in his mid 90's doing gentle press ups(honestly) at his bedside first thing in the morning, all the staff watched in amazement and we were concerned and asked him what and why was doing this and how! he said that he wanted to get better and still wanted to live the rest of his life. We cried as he then told us the truth behind his ability to exercise at his age, he was a holocaust survivor from the working camp, a young boy who HAD to exercise every morning to stay fit and alive..he never lost it even at his ripe old age. We gotta WANT to live, negative attitudes suck, can't afford to die, then don't..CHOOSE to live and be grateful for what life has already given.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2019): "We all have our own paths and timelines and I’m exactly where god wants me to be and everything happens for a reason"
you're right when you say this. Everything else is your mother's toxic nonsense. And your partner thinks you are too old to get married and have kids at 30? Dump him and find someone who is less stupid.
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