A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 24. We're in a long distance relationship. California and Asia that is. We dated while he studied abroad at my school last spring semester, and talked every day throughout summer. When fall semester started, we could only talk a little bit on the weekends because he is so busy. It's understandable because he is preparing to graduate from a prestigious university and is stressed over finding work, but the talking grew less and less. When we do talk on webcam however, he's very genuine. During this time, we didn't speak for two weeks (this happened twice). Then both times, I received a long "love letter" via email saying how much he missed me. Recently, we were able to see one another. He took me out on dates and we spent time together like a regular couple. When I asked about our relationship, he told me he doesn't feel that we can be called "boyfriend and girlfriend" because of the long distance. He says that when people ask if he has a girlfriend, he says there's someone he really likes in California who likes him too. I was hurt because I didn't fly all the way to Asia just to see "someone I like." I talked about our bad communication, and how I would just like a quick email from him once a day rather than once a week. He said he really cares for me, but a reason that he's able to do this LDR is because it's LDR--that it doesn't require as much time and effort. But I know that any relationship requires effort. I saw how exhausted he was with school and work when I visited him, but is it really that tough just to send a quick email every day? He has an iPhone after all. Also, I playfully changed his phone background photo to the two of us. He smiled but then I later saw that he changed it. What's happening? Lastly, I stayed with his family and his parents love me. I know his parents play a huge role in his life as well as their culture. Perhaps he's not as interested as I thought he was but doesn't want to disappoint his parents? Many people have told me that he cares for me but sucks at demonstrating it (due to his his personality, and his cultural background). When we spent time together, I saw that he showed his affection physically (kissing my forehead, cutting my steak for me) but never verbally. He has a quiet, shy personality. But I realized that maybe our "problem" is due to cultural differences? I realize it's not the norm in his culture to show affection like I'm used to. Thanks for your help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Thank you both for your answers. :)
Luckily, I've learned not to put in any more effort than he does. That would just be unfair. As for the trip to Asia, my family and I happened to vacation there so I didn't really spend any extra money. I'll just leave things the way they are for now... Until someone else comes along.
A
male
reader, Orvus  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 I can't tell how much he likes you either, even though it seems that you're putting in more time and money than him. Anyway, there is a way you can find out:
Just ask him to be your boyfriend.
He'll have to either say yes or no; something like "not yet" or "we need more time" counts as no. That should at least force him to make up his mind.
You are very committed to him and deserve the same level of commitment. Otherwise you can still be together, but don't waste too much effort on someone who doesn't give enough back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Interesting scenario here. I think in many cultures affection isnt discouraged and isnt perhaps taboo. I think it may be due to his personality and the fact that he's shy may indicate he's not used to showing affection and illustrating such a thing could be his insecurity as a result.
As far as writing a quick email a day, this isnt too much to ask as I do it myself with a few ladies of interest. Its easy to make time for them. If he's genuinely interested he will do that.
Logically, I dont see why you are even considering the relationship with all due respect. The distance is a HUGE barrier to building a constructive relationship as key things are absent each day for a relationship to thrive. Have either of you made a decision as to how youd close the distance? What is the plan? A few things to think about. Good luck here :)
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