A
female
age
41-50,
*onely-paralegal
writes:On Monday, only 5 days before Christmas my husband and I got into a huge argument. It was really over nothing, he was drinking and going on and on about nothing. I asked him to be quiet so I could get some work done at home (I work from home) and he just kept on and on. So I went into my room to try and watch television and asked him to leave me alone. Of course he followed me and was acting like a child. I remember I kept saying, please just leave me alone! By 10pm I called a cab and asked him to leave and go spend the night at his parents. My kids had been woken up by that time and were upset so he needed to leave or sleep it off on the porch! I paid for half of the cab and off he went. We spoke 2 days later, and he came to get some things. Ended up being like 6 trash bags full of things! He tells me that he needs time, and we need to "take a break" and he needs "space". This is the worst time of year for me. I have NO family except an aunt and cousin who have their own family. My mother died 10 years ago and so it's just me and my 3 kids. We had a miserable holiday. All the while I find out he was at his friends house drinking and having a great ole time! This burns me up. I know he is the stepfather to my kids but we have been together long enough for them to call him Dad and he is the only one they call Dad. I have no idea why I am writing all this but I have NO ADULT to really talk to. This is so embarrassing to tell my aunt and I have no friends anymore. When we got married we moved and I lost contact with everyone. To make matters worse I need major surgery in January and he knows this. I asked him if he would be here for me and he said, "I don't know, and I don't know what to tell you". He won't say yes or no. My kids asked if he would come here for Christmas even for a few hours and he said no. I am so confused... When he is angry he will tell me "It's over, just accept it" and then when he is not, he just "needs some time". This is all still new and has only been 1 week. But I can not sleep, eat, think, nothing! I love this man so much and I feel like my entire world just is slipping away from me. Yet, he is out partying... Is this just a man's way of dealing with it or does he just not care? I asked him if he loves me still and he says yes, that this is not about love. If he met another women or doesn't love me it will indeed hurt, no doubt, but it will give me some type of reason. Right now I have no reason. I am so confused! He promised me and my children that he would never hurt or leave us like my ex-husband did. My 2 youngest almost 9 and 6 are so upset. They just lay around the house and look so down, it hurts me that he would do that to them. Any words that could help me please!!!!!!!!Lonely-Sad-Confused
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 December 2010):
 he was irritating, and behaving like a petulant child, rather than your spouse. I suspect he started drinking heavily that night, trying to get the courage to raise some issues he's had for some time.
So he was truly troubled, and he was trying to open dialogue with you.
He was not talking about 'nothing', it was something he was trying to tell you, and
It is very sad that your life has been so busy and over burdened with responsibilities that you have not had time to build friendships and a support network. Times are tough and people move around and even neighbors often don't have time to speak.
But in the new year you need to occasionally take out a little time out to start building that friendship network. Talk more often to other Moms at school. Find out which 2 children your older child is friends with at school. Talk to their Moms and invite those two friends of your older child to come over for sleep on Friday night after school. Saturday morning they can help make salads for the lunch. Then instead of just picking their children up the Moms and their children can enjoy lunch at your home on the Saturday, or a Cookout when the weather improves. That way you develop friends while your children do the same, all for the small cost of some meals made in your home (pizza Fri night+breakfast+lunch Saturday)
Do this and it is likely the 2 Moms will return the favor - giving you a free Friday night and a sleep in on the Saturday, plus meet new friends when you pick up the children
Talk to your female neighbors, find out what's their story, and if you like a particular neighbor invite her over for coffee. Building friendships doesn't happen over night. And it is so easy to neglect good loyal friends.
Can you call on your former mother in law to help you with the care of your children, while you get surgery?
Or
How supportive is your husband's mother to you? She knows her son well. Is she a mother figure who you could discuss this with, be an impartial witness and a non judgmental ally to both of you? To act as a go-between to expose and help resolve some of the issues between you and her son?
Right now your husband is travelling tough, and not doing it very well. Look beyond the smokescreen of hard partying and drinking.
Your husband was trying desperately that night to tell you something important to him. And it was not coming out right.
Sure he was behaving in a selfish petulant immature irresponsible way.
He knows that, why do you think he's staying away?
But telling him to 'go away' or sleep on the porch, or go home to his mother was also very dismissive. Men have their pride and he was spoken to like a child, and i bet it hurt, really deep down inside his very insecure heart..
And now he's drowning his sorrows and partying like a freshman, eager to escape his guilt, at ruining Christmas for you all. And expecting another tongue lashing from you, for doing so.
At this point a Time Out is called for.
You are hurting
He is hurting
The children are scared and hurting - has anyone assured them this is not their fault?
And this Christmas has been ruined. For everyone.
Please get some urgent couple counselling. Even if you have to do i alone. But it would be better if he did it too.
And some urgent 'sit down and listen to the children' time. No taking sides in front of the children. No vilifying the other party, by either of you. This is not their battle. The children love both of you.
And as he is not the father and has not legally adopted the children (i suspect?) he also faces never seeing the children again, if he divorces you.
Even though you are hurting badly this is not pay back/revenge time.
How will it ever get resolved if some give and take does not occur? On both sides, in a very fair way.
What has he been telling you, on what he wants out of the marriage? How different is what he wants out of the marriage to what you want? What tipped him over to the edge this time, and brought this to a head? I suspect this has been simmering for some time.
He is not your previous husband, so you cannot assume this marriage will end in divorce, if you handle this one differently to the last one.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Well, I don't think there is an easy answer here.
From your keyyer, it sounds like this guy is s borderline drunk. Normal role model fathers are there for their families and aren't getting drunk. Does this guy have a drinking / drug problem?
Either way, I think there is more going on here that is larger than your initial letter.
As far as your surgery, if talk with your doctor about potentially postponing it.
Also you really need to get some friends or some other support group. Your marriage seems a little fragile and I think a female friend would help.
Hopefully, things will work out for you. Keep lines of communication open and try to work things out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): Sorry to hear about your situation. I feel this man's priorities are out of order and alcohol is wreaking havoc on your family and the relationship itself. He needs to stop drinking altogether and quit hanging with those friends as they encourage such behavior.
I sense an emotional roller coaster here and this is very unhealthy, especially for a marriage. Because alcohol is a deressant it can act as an emotion stimulator and therefore cause risk to how someone reacts when drinking.
What kind of role model is this man for your kids? How does he contribute and benefit you as a wife, a person, and caregiver?
What was the basis of the argument? If he's drinking and seeking to talk or youre seeking to talk, do not engage in the conversation. People lack the capacity when drinking to carry any conversation and most of all some wont even recall details. Respectfully tell the man you think itd be best to talk when he's sober, so your communication is clear and both are able to understand things and each other's position. This way it increases the chance of the dispute to be peacefully and effectively resolved. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Hey, im sorry that things turned out this bad. Why did you call a cab inthe 1st place?,paid 1/2 the fare?and kept asking him to leave you alone? Now he respected your decision, HE LEFT YOU ALONE.! You need to show him how sory you are, Beg him to come back.pay for another cab to take him home.never repeat telling him to 'leave you alone'...as you can see, it realy sucks! Goodluck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): My ex husband was an alcoholic. Is yours? Mine would constantly pick fights with me and say he needed 'alone time' or 'space' for a few days on up to a week just so he could go on his drinking binges in peace. Whether or not yours is an alcoholic, this is not good for you or your children. You need to be more independent and let him know that you can survive without him. You're just showing him that he can continue doing this to you. What happened to your friends? Did you stop seeing them because of this relationship? Make new ones. Go to church. Live your life without him and stop calling him. When he sees that you're doing fine, he may realize he can't walk all over you and change his ways-or he may not and you'll see you're better off without him. Talk to people at the hospital and they will have ideas for you to arrange care for your children during your surgery. Stand up for yourself, be strong, and reconnect with your family!!
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A
male
reader, 1DrLove +, writes (27 December 2010):
Drinking changes people and it usually makes them worse. I don't think I've ever heard a story about someone drinking too much and things getting better.
My guess is he's got a problem committing and he is drinking to mask that.
For you, I would check into joining Al Anon or something similar. They won't change him but they will help you with your response. (which is the only thing you can control.)
My guess is six months from now (if you work at it) you and the kids will be very happy with someone you deserve.
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