A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I could do with some advice please. I don't know what to do right now about my life and relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 10 months and i thought everything was going as well as it could be. We are technically in a LDR right now as i had to move back home for work (100 miles away) but i get to see him once a week as we both own cars. The problems are not with the distance between us really (this is the second time we have been apart) it's about the things he does when i am not around. I admit i have a problem with trusting people and he knows this. Yet when he decides to go out with his mate and his girlfriend he does not tell me. I know he shouldn't have to let me know but it hurts when i log onto Facebook and see pictures of him dancing and drunk when i wasn't expecting them. I don't know if this is me being stupid but i just feel like he could be doing anything and i wouldn't know about it. I know he could have any girl he wants and i worry that on a night out he may find someone else. He confessed to me a while ago that he loves it when girls wear short skirts in clubs because you get to feel everything when they rub past you. Now when i see he has been out all i can think of is him rubbing against some girl and maybe doing more with her. Don't get me wrong, i would never stop him going out, i just don't want to feel this hurt when i know he has been out. I know i am being stupid but i can stop thinking about him and another girl on the dance floor.The second thing has only happened recently. I found porn on him laptop. He had tried to hide it from me because it was in the rubbish bin (i found it with him there while looking for a normal movie). It made me feel worthless when i found it. He knows i have low self esteem and don't think i am pretty but that didn't stop him from letting me find the porn. Now all i can think about is him getting off to some pretty girl. I have asked him about it and he says i am everything he wants, but i can help thinking he is comparing me to them. My body, my looks and the way i make love to him. I feel like i am no longer the person he wants to be with. I tried to leave but my heart would not let me. I love him. And the last thing is the name calling/little digs he makes towards me. He says some really nasty things to me sometimes and it is getting more often. He calls me nasty, judgemental and horrible. I have been told i talk wrong and i can confuse people with the way i speak (i was on the phone to my dad at the time when he made this remark). I know i am being sensative because he has told me i am too sensative but i don't think he realises how deep those remarks go. I then find myself trying to change things when i speak or i just stay quiet so i don't annoy him anymore. But even some of the things i do annoy him (even the way i was breathing once). Would it be a good idea to sit him down and get him to write a list of the things he doesn't like about me so i can change them?I guess what i really need is confidence in myself. But i don't know how to feel good about myself. I have read books etc but they didn't help. Has anyone ever gained confidence alone? And how do i become the woman my boyfriend is looking for? I am sorry this is a long question/rant. I have been holding my feelings in for a while now and i have come to the point where i need to talk about it.Thank you for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kundalini Rake +, writes (14 January 2010):
 You said:I guess what i really need is confidence in myself. But i don't know how to feel good about myself. I have read books etc but they didn't help. Has anyone ever gained confidence alone? And how do i become the woman my boyfriend is looking for?I say:You lack of self confidence is a lack of attraction. The semantic of your text wrote here show how much you pose a victim. It is not a surprise the fact that he also respects you as victim.Improve your female power of attraction and sexuality and he will play the contest. But not just over him, also in other males. When he realizes other males attracted to you, he will balance his lack of politeness.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 January 2010):
Why would you want to change yourself? You are who you are, you shouldn't need to change. Your boyfriend should want you as you are. He shouldn't need to change a thing about you. Don't change for anyone. The truth is when this type of man knows he can treat a woman badly, he will. Your love is wasted on a guy who hurts you. Don't change yourself, change your boyfriend. You sound like you could do with a confidence boost, so maybe see a counsellor and find out why you're so underconfident. The only real way to understand how you feel is to face how you feel. So end it with your boyfriend and spend time just on yourself. Never change yourself for a man. If you change, he'll only continue to have a go at you. You can do better.
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