A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a long distance situation shop with a man for almost 3 months. Before he went away we were seeing each other in person for 6 weeks. He said he was going away for 2 weeks and he has been away for almost 3 months. We have not had any discussions about the status of our relationship at all until last week.....He has dropped a few hints since he has been away about me sending him some nude pictures of myself. I’m not really comfortable with that kind of thing, usually. However, the other day I sent him a photo of myself (through messenger) in the bath so it was a little blurry from the water. He made a comment that it was a bit blurry and he couldn’t see anything. I felt a bit embarrassed so I deleted it from the chat. He said I obviously don’t trust him if I am not comfortable sending through a raunchy pic of myself. This hit a nerve for me because I feel that he is expecting things from me that only come after being in a proper relationship and he has not confirmed what exactly is going on so I said something along the lines of: “You should be grateful that I sent you any pic at all. You said you were going away for 2 weeks and it has now been 10 without any date set for when you are returning”.He responded to this by saying that we are not boyfriend and girlfriend and that he needs to focus on what he needs to do without the shackles of someone else’s needs. He apologised for being away for so long and then said that if he came home sooner just because he is missing me and before completing the things he set out to do then he would be frustrated and most likely end up blaming me for pressuring him to come home early. The tone was really abrasive and rude.From his messages I took it to mean that he basically doesn’t care about me at all and he is going to do what he has to do without any regard for me at all. So, I sent him a message saying “I think you have made it clear where I stand” and also added that there was no pressure from me at all and never has been any pressure. At this stage I am shocked about the conversation and in less than half an hour later he sends me a message to let me know that he is shopping and sends me photos of the stuff he is buyind for himself. I didn’t reply.24 hours later I recieve a message saying that he is sorry and that he didn’t mean to seem like he doesn’t care. Then he sent me a meme about the full moon the other day and the meaning behind it and then he sent me another message apologising again for being insensitive.I responded a few days later but deleted the message because I really have nothing to say and my message was pointless. I also did the same thing today again. So there are two deleted messages sitting in our chat and he hasn’t responded to either of them. I think what has happened is that he got defensive because he felt like I was pressuring him (which I wasn’t) and has taken things way too far and regretted it later BUT at the same time he basically said he doesn’t care about how I feel. It has been almost a week since we had the disagreement. Any advice on what to do here? Do I respond? Or leave it be? He did apologise so I feel like I should say something. I just don’t know what to say. I probably should also mention that he is in his mid 40s and I am in my late 30s. He has never been married or had kids and I haven’t either. Advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): Cut your losses and stop wasting your time. It is going nowhere, he doesn't want to invest in a relationship with you. You can argue that you did not put pressure on him until the cows come home but really what difference does it make it's either his perception or he is just trying to shift the blame either way its irrelevant, he doesn't want to continue whatever it was you was. The problem is you simply cannot make someone feel how you want them to feel, LDR relationships are hard to maintain even in established relationships, he has made it very clear his plans and he doesn't want a relationship in them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2019): I just recieved a message from him saying that he doesn't want me to wait for him anymore and that we are only friends anyway (!!!). He said that I DO put pressure on him (I never have) and that he enjoys chatting with me but he feels as though he is not rising to my expectations. He said that he likes me a lot but needs time to work things out over there.
It's clearly over but do I respond and call him out on his lies or just leave it and move on? For him to say that we were only friends is just not true. On top of that I have never pressured him, only pointed out the fact that he has been away much much longer than he initially said.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2019): Dear Lady, that man is trying to use you in any way that he can! Dump this user, because he is only about himself! You cannot trust his word: two weeks and ten weeks are far apart! He wants nude pics and tries to guilt you for not trusting him. What is there to trust? The he has the nerve to tell you that you are not his girlfriend! End the relationship and find yourself an honest and loyal man. That is what an honest and loyal woman deserves! Yes, forgive his rudeness, but then lead your own seperate life apart from him. Hold to your standards OP. I commend you for doing so! My prayers are for your happy future, and may you find a good deserving man! Xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 October 2019):
 I think you should STICK to you own standards when it comes to "nudes" and who you would want to send them to (if any), NOT what HE wants.
You don't OWE him (or anyone) NUDE pictures of yourself. Seriously, no matter if a guy whines or tries to use manipulation - you STILL don't owe anyone ANY pictures.
And yes, I think him saying that "you don't trust me" was a way for him to TRY and manipulate you into sending what HE wanted. Why SHOULD you trust him? YOU barely know him! You spend 6 weeks getting to know him (a little) in person, the rest have been over tech.
He CLEARLY stated that you two aren't a couple, so why would he think you OWE him nudes? He is mid 40's and act like a spoiled teenager! Why would ANY woman (in her right mind) send nudes to someone they don't know that well and they aren't in a relationship with?
What would I do?
I'd let him go. Move on.
He might not come back to the same area at all. Who knows?
And you are putting yourself on a shelf for him? Someone who EXPECTS you to trust him with naked pictures but makes it clear that you aren't dating or a couple... someone who seems to put ALL the blame on you. YOU don't trust him and you are pressuring him.. blah blah.
Just let him go, let him do his thing and you move on and you do you. I mean there isn't anything to really fix here. IMHO
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 October 2019):
 Apart from the fact that neither of you has been married or had children, do you have anything else in common? Why are you clinging onto this "non-relationship"? You went out for 6 WEEKS and he has been away for double that time.
Sweetheart, he made it quite clear what he thought of you when he snapped at you. Apologies are all well and good, but words said in anger can wound deeply, hence why you are so upset.
My advice would be to block his number and move on. Oh yes, and NEVER send compromising photographs to someone you hardly know again.
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